Bonnie Tyler: Total Eclipse of the Heart

Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video

Seeing as how the Scorecard has provided much needed guidance regarding the survivability of epic films, it seems only natural that we would extend this service into scoring epic videos as well. It’s time to print up your scorecard and break out the tissue and the restraining order, as Bonnie Tyler has a Total Eclipse of the Heart.

• 00:00: Anything in which Bonnie Tyler’s voice makes an appearance. = +50pts (This includes Short Circuit.)
• 0:09: Starting your video is what appears to be a drafty old sex laboratory. = +15pts
• 0:16: Dove sighting! = +3pts (This building must be abandoned given the free reign birds have of the place.)
• 0:20: Bonnie Tyler appearance! = +5pts (This was a plus in the 80’s as many early videos often featured anyone but the singer.)
• 0: 20: Creepy smiling doll in the bottom corner of Bonnie Tyler’s appearance. = -4pts
• 0: 26: Maintaining flames on all candles despite leaving all the windows open during what appears to be a hurricane. = +3pts
• 0: 28: Uh-oh! Full Moon! = No score. Just foreshadowing.
• 0:31: Shot of what looks like a tremendous selection of completely empty liquor bottles. Oh-oh, somebody’s hammered! = +2pts
• 0: 42: Sudden random appearance of laser eyed school boy. = +10pts (Yep, somebody is definitely hammered.)
• 0: 42: Taking heartbreaking use of “bright eyes” in the song (which many assume is a term of affection between two warring lovers), and giving it a literal spin by creating a character with laser eyes. = -10pts
• 0:42: Not immediately running from laser-eyed school boy, or jumping out of that large open window you are sitting in front of. = +3pts
• 0:49: Installing curtains behind doors. = -2pts (Because it really does shit for feng shui.)
• 0: 49: Effectiveness of said curtains during a hurricane. = -7pts (See!)
• 0:55: Leering at young boys during….”night class?” = -10pts
• 1:04: Building a large heavy wooden chair. = 0pts
• 1:04: Capturing and slaying an angel so that you can surgically graft its wings to said chair. = +3pts
• 1:08: Leaving a young boy alone at night and only giving him and dead dove to defend himself. = -2pts.
• 1:11: Shirtless teen boys in speedos having a bucket of water tossed on them in a room that is likely at least a good 13-minute walk from the school swimming pool in order to a) prepare for a midnight swim meet, or b) camouflage their musk-like scent from predatory headmistress. = +3pts
• 1:15: At this point it becomes evident that the school has an elaborate security system in place to protect the children from lecherous invaders who have broken in a night. = +4pts
• 1:17: How easily this “security system” is distracted by the appearance of a camera. = -6pts
• 1:17: Ninjas: Ruthless warriors and masters of modern dance. = +2pts
• 1:34. Midnight fencing/gymnastics/wrestling practice. = -2pts (Rich prep school boys sure have it rough!)
• 2:00: If you’re going to have dancing street punks as part of your security system, be sure they are at least good dancing street punks. = -3pts
• 2:09: Okay, we aren’t gonna lie, that voice, that way that chorus kicks in with the wind and light blasting behind her—Bonnie Tyler is (a white) Storm, drunken and feverish for young boys. And even the most homoerotic security system in the world is going to be powerless to stop her when she sings like that. = +8pts (+23pts for the drama, -15pts for the emotional trauma)
• 2:14: Shirtless pad wearing “football” players. = +4pts
• 2:16: How quickly said football players run away when Bonnie Tyler runs at them. = -3pts
• New Theory: Rather than being a drunk headmistress at the Xavier School for gifted young men, this video is all about the Gay Nightmare: A drunk middle aged woman (stand in for mother) can’t seem to “get the hint” (the dancing, the midnight clubs, the costumes, the lack of shirts with those costumes, the…more dancing) and refuses to concede that they just aren’t that into her.  = -8pts (Gays are people too!)
• 2:17: Watching a grown woman drunkenly run into a mirror. = +17pts
• 2:56: “The woman knows how to party.” Our depraved thought at the realization that the slit of her dress runs up the front and above her vagina, the equivalent of wearing one giant peep show. = -8pts (Somebody should really call the FBI.)
• 3:22: The slow motion shot of the fencer peeling back his mask and unleashing what looks like a flood of urine across his face. = +5pts (We know this should be a minus. But really, why?)
• 3:28: A choir of laser-eyes. = +13pts (For being the equivalent of a gay Voltron in the 80’s.)
• 3:34: Laser boy choir throwing their smallest member at the drunk Headmistress in a last ditch effort to defeat her. Sorry guys, if a dove couldn’t stop her, what did you think Calvin’s wane body is going to do? = -9pts
• 3:53: Iconic 80’s video image alert: A tribal, cloth diaper wearing, young man kicks his leg up, thus giving legendary singer a full shot of his “business,” only to have her shrug it off with her rendition of “We’ll be holding on forever.” = +5pts (For being a classic.)
• 4:11: Seriously, diaper dude, she doesn’t want your junk… She wants all your junks! = +1pts (For never giving up. Professor X would be proud.)
• 4:31: Being molested by an angel. = -2pts
• 4:52: Mea culpa scene. While we can’t hear what is being said we imagine the dialogue went something like this:  “This is (insert name here). He’s captain of our (insert extracurricular activity here) team. He was one of the boys you (insert sexual abuse here) last night.” “Hello, (insert name here) I’m really sorry I (insert sexual abuse here) last night. I promise to lay off the (insert alcoholic beverage/drug here).” X23 (1pt for each underage boy.) = +23pts (For being the bigger person. We’re pretty sure Magneto had to do the same thing in X-Men #200.)
• 4:56: One of them seemed to like it. Ugh…  = -7pts
• 5:10: Apparently apologies aren’t enough for “bright eyes.” Can you say sequel? = -6pts (for holding a grudge.)
• 5:17: Appearance of what seems to be a young Gaius Baltar. = +5pts (EVERYTHING REPEATS ITSELF!! GET IT!!)

Total Score: = +72pts

So, while many of us grew up listening to this song and remember being floored by the vocal dynamo that is Bonnie Tyler, it turns out that, what we missed about the song and its incredibly literal lyrics, was the director’s critique of the gay national nightmare that was the 1980’s. She’s not just singing about the love she’s lost, she’s also singing about the love she’s not getting from all the young boys who seem more interested “midnight clubbing” than her elegantly displayed vagina. So, in closing we’d like to borrow a quote from Lord Grantham (of Downton Abbey fame) who, when recalling his time at his uber-elite boarding school Aton and his close quarters living with other hormonal boys of privilege, said, “If I’d screamed blue murder every time someone tried to kiss me, I’d have been hoarse within a month.” Well sir, had Bonnie Tyler been around at Alton, we imagine screaming bloody murder would have been as useful as a ninja during midnight mass. America wins again.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell