Thursday, October 2, 2014

Yandy's Sexy Halloween Costumes, 2014 Edition

Based on the apparent popularity of last year's Halloween costume round-up, we at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard can only assume that our readership is deeply concerned with all things relating to women's fashion. In our continued efforts to serve your needs, we bring the 2014 installment. As you may recall from last year, Halloween costumes for women are a little different than the ones marketed toward men.
The costumes above come from Yandy.com, a purveyor of lingerie and erotic Halloween attire. And indeed, if you're a lady looking to get naughty this Halloween, there's no shortage of sultry outfits to choose from. Please allow the nanobots to help you navigate these difficult waters by steering you away from those costumes that might not have the effect you're looking for.

Sexy Food Costumes (Again)

  • Nothing brings out the inherent voluptuousness of grapes like bikini-top/miniskirt combo that's dotted with scabby-looking purple disks. = -4pts
  • Also, have fun spending a whole night with your thighs bound together by thin green cords. = -11pts
  • No, really, that huge inverted tetradecagon around your waist is super-flattering. = -7pts
  • The best part, though, is that the costume is named "Officially Licensed Pink Ring Pop Dress." Which is important, because we were really concerned about the possibility of unscrupulous gray-market opportunists getting rich off this beloved Topps corporation property. = +10pts
  • This image was clearly put together in Photoshop using a picture of a girl in a black leotard and a stock photo of a cupcake. Whoever created this is probably lying awake in bed right now, praying that no one calls his bluff and actually orders one of these costumes, because if that happens, his whole imaginary costume-empire will come crashing down. = -8pts
Sexy Versions of Beloved Figures from Our Childhood
  • This sexy Barney the Purple Dinosaur costume will make it look like he's chewing ineffectually on the top of your head all night. = +6pts
  • But, seriously, fuck you for forcing us to use "Barney the Purple Dinosaur" and "sexy" into the same sentence. = -13pts
  • The inherent attractiveness of the form-fitting romper and thigh-high stockings is only slightly offset by the headpiece that gives off the appearance that its wearer decapitated a popular video game character, hollowed out his skull, and turned the top of his head into a hat. = -9pts
  • She would not last 30 seconds out in space in this outfit. = -3pts
  • Considering that we can't think of anything more aggressively asexual than the minions from Despicable Me, we actually have to tip our hats in admiration to this one. Well played, Yandy. Well played. = +5pts
  • Bonus points for using the same stock photo of the model as the Sonic costume. = +2pts
Sexy Animal Costumes

  • There are some animals that lend themselves naturally to the "sexy" treatment: cats, foxes, wildebeests (What? We can't be the only ones...). Lobsters, not so much. They're basically giant ocean-dwelling bugs. This costume includes such alluring accessories as spindly insect legs, great wobbly antennae, and sensuous furry claw mitts. = -12pts
  • Along the same lines as the lobster: A boneless sack of luminescent jelly trailing poison-coated tentacles isn't exactly a turn-on. = -10pts
  • In case you were wondering what it would look like if guys had to wear costumes like the ones designed for women, Yandy was kind enough to present us with this furry cat costume for men. Try to restrain your uncontrollable lust. = -9pts
  • Still, good on them for attempting to even the score. = +9pts
Sexy Superheros
  • Most female superheros already dress like they received their distress signal while mid-routine at the Bada-Bing, so this should be pretty fertile territory. Nonetheless, the majority of the costumes in this category are skimpy distaff knock-offs of popular male heroes. = -4pts
  • This, by the way, is supposed to be a Spider-Man costume. Let that sink in for a minute. It's like the designer was asked to create a woman's Spider-Man costume based only on a 20-word description of it that had been run through Google Translator a couple dozen times, in as many different languages, before converting it back to English. = -20pts
  • There are an alarming number of "costumes" that are essentially just bikinis branded with the hero's logo. = -7pts
  • This particular ensemble is for people who find Wonder Woman's traditional leather bustier and roller-rink booty shorts too prudish. = -14pts
  • This doesn't even qualify as a costume. = -22pts
  • Also, maybe tell your photographers to lay off the Deadite filter in post-production. = -3pts
Just Plain Offensive
  • Hey, so this still flies in 2014. = -40pts
  • We would have zero problem with this one, except that the manufacturers dubbed it the Black Dahlia Flapper. Which would actually make for an excellent Halloween costume, provided you could figure out a way to split yourself in half. = -6pts
  • White girls, we know what you're thinking: "Do I have any Asian friends in my social circle? Am I okay to show up at a party dressed like this?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, we kind of lost track ourselves. But being that this costume is designed to make you look like a leggy carton of Chinese takeout, offensive enough to isolate anyone with even a modicum of sensitivity, you've got to ask yourselves one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk? = -50pts
Total Score = -220pts
Available on: http://www.yandy.com

So, that concludes this year's analysis of sexy Halloween don'ts. This whole exercise has left the nanobots fairly exhausted. On top of that, we think they're coming down with a cold, because they've gone through their entire box of Kleenex. So, until next year, happy Halloween and stay safe out there.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

4 comments:

  1. I think Yandy's missed a real opportunity here: http://contest.americanapparel.net/halloween2012/details/508c4dd819dbd20784a6c7bd

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  2. Trenchant commentary on man's alienation within a soulless bureaucratic society has never been hotter.

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  3. Does the Chinese box costume come with a fragrance, because otherwise what's the point.

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  4. Yandy.com is one of the largest online retailers of lingerie, sexy Halloween costumes, swimwear and clothing.It gives a great deals on all fashionable branded product in low price using promo codes.

    ReplyDelete