Yandy.com's Sexy Halloween Costumes

Editor's note: For our most recent installment of our annual Yandy.com Halloween run-down, check here.

If you have any doubts that the feminist utopia where women are true and equal partners in modern society is still a long ways off, then allow me to direct your attention to an annual event we in the West call “Halloween.” Whereas a man can stumble blindfolded into a Spirit retailer, grab any costume off the shelf, and leave with reasonable certainty that he won’t need to wax his bikini area before he wears it in public, women generally have to sift through a few dozen variations of this:

Now, far be it from us at the Progressive Cinema Scorecard to tell any woman what she should or shouldn’t be wearing this Halloween season, and clearly anyone shopping for costumes on Yandy.com, a self-proclaimed intimate apparel store, is looking for a little something on the steamier side. Still, looking through Yandy’s 2013 selection, we’re starting to wonder if someone changed the meaning of the word “sexy,” and forgot to send us the memo. How else could you explain things like…

Sexy Food Costumes

• No one’s saying Twizzlers aren’t a delicious. But, all the times that we’ve grabbed a bag of those sweet, waxy ropes of gnarled licorice off the supermarket shelf, not once did we stop and think, “Man, wouldn’t it be hot to put a woman in there?” = - 8pts 
• Then again, between the Sexy Tootsie, Cuddle Plush Bubble Gum, and Double Gum costumes, we’re pretty sure the guy responsible for designing these has been caught sticking his dick in a bag of candy by more than one Walmart store clerk. = -24pts 

• The obesity epidemic being what it is in America, it’s awfully responsible of Yandy to offer consumers a healthier sexy food costume alternative to candy. = +5pts 
• Notice the bite in the watermelon costume’s mid-section, through which the model’s belly is visible. The obvious implication is that at the center of every watermelon is soft, pink, living human flesh. = +7pts

• This is probably one of our favorite things on the whole site because, not only is it just a generally lame costume (are those black, c-shaped things supposed to be olives? Meal worms? Your guess is as good as ours), but it fails spectacularly to meet even the most rudimentary definition of the word “sexy.” Yeah, ladies, nothing sets a boy’s heart aflutter like a vaguely woman-shaped beige tube with a plush Dracula collar on it. = -25pts

Sexy Female Versions of Male Cartoon Characters

• A list of things that have never made us feel amorous:
  • Going through the “cough” test during our annual high school physical 
  • The approach of tax season 
  • Any character from Disney’s Monster’s Inc.
  Guys are not terribly complicated where arousal is concerned, but there are some basic boundaries that you should not attempt to cross. = -14pts

• Likewise if there’s anyone out there who experienced his or her first stirrings of carnal longing while watching Winnie the Pooh, we don’t want to meet them. = -11pts 
• Although, to be fair, the possibility of the existence of lady Tiggers does offer a glimmer of hope for an otherwise doomed species living out the twilight of its existence. = +7pts 

• We’re counting up the total number of fucks that were given by the people who designed this, and the final tally is zero. No one gave even a fraction of a fuck. A note to Yandy.com: a tutu with a cartoon character’s face blazoned on it is not a costume. = -32pts

• Here’s another one that we’re pretty confident was thought up at, like, 4:55 on a Friday. Possibly before a holiday weekend. This is just a t-shirt and hot pants. Does the mask even come with it? Because it was CLEARLY photoshopped onto that model’s face. = -35pts 
• And are we to believe that stubby little thing tucked into Leonardo's sash is supposed to be a katana? Could Master Splinter not scavenge him up a sheath? How are you supposed to do ninja stuff with a razor-sharp blade wedged precariously between your belt and your midsection? = - 18pts

WTF?!?!

• Anyone wearing this is basically dooming herself to an entire evening of drunk guys copping a feel while yelling, "Right hand blue!" -3pts

• The helpful folks over at the Urban Dictionary have informed us that a Dayger is what the kids are calling a “day rager,” or a wild, spontaneous party taking place during the day. Even with that understanding, nothing about this costume makes sense. Why does this woman have bombs for breasts? Why is there a cup over her vagina? If  concept behind your costume is so obscure and tenuous that the manufacturers had to prominently display its name on your torso, you should probably find something else to wear. = -14pts

• Nope. Not okay. = -100pts

• … Actually, this technician may have just ordered one of these for his wife. = +80pts

Total Score = -185pts
Available on: http://www.yandy.com/

So there it is, the definitive guide on what costumes to avoid this Halloween, written by a thirty-something dude, backed up by the cold, infallible logic of science. If we learned anything from the movie Mean Girls, it’s that “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it” (Oh, and also some stuff about being empathetic towards others, or some shit). If you’re looking to let your wild side out, maybe steer clear of some of the costumes we looked at above. Especially the Nazi uniform.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling