Monday, March 11, 2013

Grimes: Genesis

Grimes, "Genesis" Video

The PCS nanobots are cranky. “Feed us more data!” they cry. We’re super busy though, so we’ve started feeding them smaller tidbits from the interwebs, streaming that sweet, sweet, YouTube intravenously. After a wild and crazy night binging on cat videos and porn, we present for your viewing pleasure the apex of our age, “Genesis” by Grimes:
  • 1:04 Maintaining that bored but fuckable look while undulating in a car’s headlights. = +7pts (-4pts for this lasting a whole minute, +11pts for reminding us of Lost Highway.)
  • 1:16 Creepy over-the-face hair.  = +7pts
  • 1:17 “Tribal” braids on a white chick = -5pts
  • 1:18 Skater-goth with a sword. = +7pts
  • 1:26 We want that “PUSSY” hat. = +5pts
  • 1:48 Swords for everyone! (x3) = +21pts
  • 1:59 Tribal-braids-girl wearing the most ineffective metallic body armor and fellating a popsicle stick on a suburban street = +14pts (-12pts for the objectification of women, +26 points for its gender-queer-“post”-feminist attack on the prudishness of white bourgeois values.) 
  • 2:05 Make sure that when lounging in the back of your limo dressed like a school-girl you stroke your boa constrictor AS SEDUCTIVELY AS POSSIBLE= +11pts (-3 points for objectifying young women, +14 points for subverting Brittany.)
  • 2:33 Maybe if Grimes had some black friends she’d have better rhythm? Or at the very least be less bored = -8pts (For the sake of Critical Race Theory.)
  • 2:58 That being said, we’d love to blow bubbles in a limo. = +5pts
  • 3:38 Breakdance sesh! = +3pts
  • 4:16 Playing with weapons in the desert while wearing some fierce heels, otherwise known as how every young lady of distinguished breeding should spend a warm afternoon = +17pts
  • 4:39 We saw the expression on Tribal-braids-girl’s face as she caresses Grimes in a Youporn video at 3 A.M. last night. And every night. = -2pts
  • 4:45 Badass ladies riding an SUV like a chariot= +13pts
  • 4:51 Flaming sword. That is all. = +14pts
  • Extra credit:
    • Not being able to find a definitive set of lyrics for this song online. = +8pts
    • The audio not synching with the video. = -3pts
    • The accumulated effect of being unable to decipher what the fuck this song is about: = +8pts.
Total= +128pts

Is this video just a series of spreads for a fashion magazine, or a neo-feminist-post-racial fantasy? Either way, it is advisable to watch this video with a scorecard handy when making your final decision.

Score Technician: Maya Mackrandilal

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