Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Tool: Prison Sex

Tool, "Prison Sex" video

Back in the 1990's, there were only two kinds of music videos:
  1. Music videos made by Tool
  2. Music videos made by everybody else
If you’re not familiar with the former, then we don’t quite know what to tell you except that we hope you enjoyed your years of sleep untroubled by horrific stop-motion nightmares while they lasted.
  • 0:34 Legless, one-eyed doll puppet sitting in a room full of drawers. It’s official, folks, we are watching a Tool video = +4pts
  • 0:38 Hanging the little puppet guy’s legs just out of reach where he can see them. = -2pts (That’s a dick move.)
  • 0:53 Alien Gimp Puppet-master. = +16pts
  • 1:06 That’s no way to treat a book, Alien Gimp Puppet-master! = -3pts
  • 1:52 Compulsory shot of grotesque Claymation creature looking inside of something. = +7pts 
  • 2:22 We would never presume to tell an Alien Gimp how to do his job, but if he really wants to paint his doll puppet, he’s going to have put something on that brush. = -3pts
  • 2:41 Why wouldn’t there be a ramshackle automaton with a rotating, two dimensional photograph of a baby’s face for a head inside that drawer? = +15pts 
  • 2:58 Rapidly opening drawer knocks the doll puppet on his face from behind. = +3pts (for a little light comic relief…or for possibly prison sex. We don’t know. Just using the title as a basis.)
  • 3:09 Alien Gimp jazz hands! = +23pts
  • 3:33 Alien Gimp likes the way that drawer feels a little TOO much... = -4pts
  • 3:50 Oh look, the doll puppet has a little puppet buddy to play with over in that drawer. = +12pts
  • 4:00 Even the Alien Gimp is creeped-out by Caterpillar Doll. = +2pts
  • 4:07 But we don’t want to go inside the Alien Gimp’s head... = -4pts
  • 4:14 Partially Digested Meat Doll. = +6pts
  • 4:15 Partially Digested Meat Doll goes for a stroll. = +9pts
  • 4:18 Alien Gimp Mr. Bills the Partially Digested Meat Doll. = +11pts (Oh nooooooooooooo!)
  • 4:23 Baby-face ramshackle automaton arrives on the scene too late to perform CPR on Partially Digested Meat Doll. Code Blue. = -4pts
  • 4:37 The sheer amount of self-loathing the Doll Puppet puts into that single brushstroke. = +5pts
  • 4:40 A tender moment between Alien Gimp and Doll Puppet. = +3pts
  • 4:55 Alien Gimp closes the Doll Puppet in a giant drawer. If only we could shut away our nightmares so easily… = +7pts
  • Extra credit: 
    • Terrifying usage of stop-motion animation. = +18pts
    • Conspicuous lack of actual prison sex. = -9pts

Total Score: = +102pts
Available on: YouTube, Salival box set, that place inside your mind that you spend every moment of your waking life trying to suppress.

Well, you can’t say that we didn’t warn you. If you watched that along with us, then we apologize, but you will never unsee the things you witnessed in that video. Just keep this scorecard with you always as a reminder of more innocent times, before your eyes were opened to the darkness at the end of all things, waiting to swallow us whole.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling


  1. I'm wondering about the gender of the alien gimp since s/he was wearing high heels, and some of the actions made me think of a girl playing with a doll (painting it, trying to fix it, cradling it at the end). I feel like it almost makes it more creepy/fucked up that all her "toys" are in a prison, but she's just playing with them. I'm also wondering if we could read this video as the aftermath of "prison sex"-- that the reason the doll is broken is because alien gimp got a little too rough, and now s/he is trying to fix the damage s/he has done.

    1. That or the puppet got his legs taken off because he's in time-out. "Pinocchio, stay in your room until you think about what you did."

  2. My guess is he/she wants to keep them broken. That cut towards the end where the doll raises its arm and the alien gimp holds it down always seemed pretty telling to me. Tool made such amazing videos.