Monkey Shines

Another Flashback Friday! From George Romero, the man who single-handedly gave birth to the modern zombie film comes Monkey Shines, a terrifying exploration of...um...monkeys and physical disability. We're sure it'll end up being scarier than it sounds.

• Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -73pts
• The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -21pts) Now = +21pts.
• The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +6pts
• Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +43pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value.)
• Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +6pts
• For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
• Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -3pts
• The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +13pts
• Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +4pts
• The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -16pts
• A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +51pts
• Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (This actually happened.) = +18pts
• The bizarre monkey liking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
• For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +63pts (Almost priceless.)
• Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +22pts
• For being boring = -50pts
• For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Total score = +20pts
Available: Netflix, DVD, Deep in George Romero's panic room, in a drawer labeled "Shame"

Final Note: Ugh, monkeys.... Monkeys have taken the blame for a lot of things: Ebola, AIDs, weoponized sticks. However, on this day monkeys remain blameless regarding the dull travesty that is Monkey Shines. That blame is shouldered by George A. Romero (who could not be accused of bringing his A-game to this project). Once again, the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know, for instance that Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell