Friday, March 15, 2013

Ginuwine: Pony

Ginuwine, "Pony" video

At this point you might be thinking that, with the sci-fi, the horror, and the child-molesting 80s divas, a bunch of white dudes wrote this blog. Oh wait... Anyways, we “saved the best for last” (read: getting it in under the wire), so slip on your well-worn Critical Race Theory hats and follow along as we unpack Ginuwine’s treatise on the promise of a post-racial America, “Pony.” (You’re welcome, Obama!)

  • 0:03: Rolling up in a bus? Chamillionaire does not approve. = -1pts
  • 0:20: As a brown person, this score technician  can testify to the fact that the reaction of the white people in this bar to the presence of PoCs is totally accurate = +12pts
  • 0:37: Three seconds of Ginuwine dancing and you know every woman’s panties are already wet = +7pts (One for every chakra that is glowing right now.)
  • 0:43: Really, this video is about how Ginuwine’s abs refuse to be oppressed by that shirt. Their battle for freedom is epic. = +6pts
  • 0:52: That old white guy cannot handle all that sweet, sweet, gyrating man meat, and must look away. = +2pts
  • 0:58: Take note of this woman’s deviation from mainstream constructions of beauty for later reference. = (0 points, for now.)
  • 1:19: Just in case you didn’t know what his “pony” was, Ginuwine helpfully points it out to us. = +2pts (For subtlety.) 
  • 1:20: That braid-beard man takes the hint, and motions for Ginuwine to follow him to the bathroom. = +15pts
  • 1:33: Hot black women will help ease white men off the throne of racial dominance. = -5pts (For feminisms!)
  • 1:36: All these crotch shots would be more appealing if Ginuwine’s jeans didn’t look like a diaper. = -20pts.
  • 1:54: Ohhhhh….. yeeeeeeaaah. That is all. = +50pts
  • 1:57: Plaid shirt guy knows what we’re talking about. = +5pts
  • 2:14: All of a sudden, the white women in this bar get way hotter (see note at 0:58) = -10pts (more feminism!)
  • 2:22: After the tryst in the bathroom, braided beard guy has some deep feelings about still being on the DL. = +6pts
  • 2:49: In the presence of black men, white women cannot help but wear midriff-bearing tops and undulate their bodies in ways God would never approve. = +7pts (-3pts for feminism, +10pts for this song being pure sex)
  • 2:51: Aaaaaand, the shirt finally surrenders to the abs. It was a good fight! = +36 pts (abs squared)
  • 3:34: Black people, white people, undulating. = +69pts (Pat Robinson just had an aneurysm.)
  • 3:46: So, we got the old white guys, the young black men (not all of them 10s), but all the girls are young and hot? That lady from the beginning disappeared?! What? She doesn’t get to ride any ponies? I guess the objectification of women is what will bring about the sexy race war truce. Because in the end, we all want to tap that honey. = -50pts (3rd wave feminism happened! Deal with it!)
  • 4:26: Awww! They switch hats! Welcome to post-racial America everyone!= +5pts

Total Score = +136pts

With subtle lyricism (“juices flowin’ down your thigh” and “You’ll be on my jockey team” come to mind), Ginuwine reminds us that whether you’re black or white, what brings us together is pussy. Screw the Voting Rights Act and ride that pony!

Score Techician: Maya Mackrandilal

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