Monday, April 8, 2013

Dirty Teacher

This is the high school Oprah warned us about. Lifetime Original Movie Dirty Teacher portrays the evil teacher Ms. Matson, who seduces innocent but dimwitted student Danny and gives new meaning to the phrase “after school special.” But when Danny breaks it off, things go sour, and it’s up to his unlikeable girlfriend Jamie to prove that it was all the fault of their teacher… their dirty teacher.
  • For throwing in the towel and just naming movies after porn now = -10pts 
  • If Danny doesn’t sleep with his teacher to improve his grades, he’ll lose his spot on the basketball team! = +2pts (For depicting real stories teens can relate to) 
  • This line: “Don’t worry. It won’t take long.” = +5pts 
  • Enabling teenagers to think that any teacher who gives a “C” is trying to sleep with and/or murder them. = -20pts 
  • For the following legal disclaimer: “Hey, you’re 18, you can do whatever you want with whomever you want.” = +8pts 
  • For using “whomever” properly in the above dialogue. (She’s an English teacher, after all.) = +15pts 
  • Because you can’t have a movie set in high school without an angry locker slam. = +6pts 
  • High school student spends an entire night writing a paper? This plot just became unbelievable. = -15pts 
  • Danny chooses to break-up with his mentally unstable teacher in an abandoned lot. Suddenly, it’s clear why he was only a C student. = -3pts 
  • Guy won’t call you back? Murder him. = +25pts 
  • Pretty sure the dead kid just blinked (acting is hard). = -4pts 
  • Teacher has time to construct an elaborate murder-framing plot in addition to her teaching responsibilities and her sleeping-with-student responsibilities (for impressive time management skills.) = +8pts 
  • Just realized the crazy teacher’s name sounds like “Ms. Mad Son.” SYMBOLISM. = +5pts 
  • Weird that the evil teacher sleeps on one side of the bed even though she lives alone… oh my god the dead kid’s ghost suddenly appeared in the other half of the bed!! Good thing there was room. = +5pts 
  • In Lifetime’s legal system, murderers get house arrest and a stern talking to from their parents. = -15pts 
  • Descent into madness monologue, culminating with object thrown at own reflection in the mirror = +15pts 
  • She’s seduced and murdered students before?! Somehow this whole thing is going to blow back on teacher unions. = -25pts 
  • Lifetime movies are contractually obligated to include this line: “You think because you’re pretty and popular that you’re so much better than I am?” = +10pts 
  • Raising up the knife to kill the nosy do-gooder, then pausing to describe your evil plot just long enough for police to arrive = -3pts 
  • Jamie’s boyfriend’s just been murdered and her English teacher tried to kill her, but an acceptance letter from “Whittendale University” just came in the mail. Everything worked out, you guys! = +10pts 
  • Actual titles of director’s other films: Stalked at 17, Betrayed at 17, Accused at 17 = +17pts (I’m pretty sure the 17 Trilogy is due for a Criterion boxed set any day now.) 
  • Actual titles of lead actress’s other films: Seduced by Lies, Mantervention = +5pts 
  • Still not as good as the one where the lady from Family Ties goes on a food bender and vomits chocolate milk. = -60pts 

Total Score = -19pts
Available: Endless reruns on Lifetime for the next six years, as animated gifs on message boards everywhere

We’re starting to think that Lifetime is in on the joke. Even so, Dirty Teacher lacks many of the so-bad-it’s-good takeaways that Lifetime Movies are known for, such as quotable dialogue (see: The Drew Peterson Story’s “I’m untouchable, bitch”), C-list celebrities (see: Tori Spelling in Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?), or loose interpretations of salacious news stories (see: Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, see also: The Pregnancy Pact.) In the end, all Dirty Teacher offers us is some bad acting and a title that requires anti-virus software to Google. So if you really want your classic Lifetime fix, we suggest cozying up to a rerun of My Stepson, My Lover.

Score Technician: Amanda Hemmerling

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