Dario Argento's Dracula

Loyal readers of the PCS are surely no strangers to Dario Argento, the Italian impresario responsible for the occult horror masterpiece Suspiria, as well as several important giallo films in ‘70s. They are also very likely to be aware that those pellucid glory days are pretty far behind the director. When Dario Argento’s Dracula (originally in 3D) premiered at Cannes in 2012, it met with the kind of universal ridicule that’s usually reserved for movies where Chloe Sevigny chows down on Vincent Gallo’s manparts. But what the hell do those snooty Frenchies know, anyway? Like all things in this world, such judgments are best left to science.

• Before we get started, who wants to bet that Argento will make his daughter Asia get naked at least once before this is over? = +/-35pts 
• Tania carries on the time-honored coming-of-age ritual of sneaking out on Walpurgisnacht for a romantic tryst with her married lover. = +2pts 
• Holy cow, Tania’s boobs constitute approximately 112% of her total body mass. = +5pts 
• In the first in a series of nigh-ubiquitous lighting gaffes, Tania and Milos walk out of the barn into a night much, much brighter than it was when they went in. = -8pts 
• Outraged that Milos won’t walk her home, Tania rips the cross he gave her from her neck and flings it back at him. Within a minute, she is murdered by Dracula, in the form of a terrible CGI owl. = -4pts 

• Jonathan Harker arrives in the remote town of Passo Borgo, disembarking from a train that could very well be a Windows 98 screensaver. = -20pts 
• We should point out here that, even though all of the actors appear to be speaking English, their voices are all very badly dubbed. = -35pts 
• Regardless, Unax Ugalde’s take on Jonathan Harker makes Keanu Reeves look like Marlon Brando. = -24pts 
• Milos and some other townsfolk exhume Tonia’s grave to stake her through the heart, but are interrupted by the town taxidermist, who pulls a Mike Tyson on one of them and splits Milos’ head in half with a shovel before being subdued by the constable. = +20pts 
• Before setting out to Dracula’s castle, Harker meets up with his wife Mina’s friend Lucy, a fully-clothed Asia Argento. = +4pts 
• Tonight’s evening sky brought to you by Lisa Frank. = -2pts 
• Dracula looks like a cross between Liam Neeson and a young Hugh Hefner. = +9pts 
• The pretext under which Harker is lured out to Dracula’s castle is that the Count is in need of someone to run his library. The economy in Passo Borgo must be pretty great if it makes economic sense for one dude living alone in a castle to hire a full-time, live-in librarian. = +4pts 
• Vampire Tania seems strangely intent on seducing Harker considering that, with her vampire strength, she should be able to slap him around like a little girl and feed on whatever’s left. = -3pts 
• Tania’s naked lunch is interrupted by Dracula, who declares that Harker is his before sinking his fangs into the man’s neck. We’d like to point out that Harker has been in the castle for at least a couple days at this point, if not longer, which begs the question, why Dracula is only just getting around to killing him now? We think it’s because the cheap bastard was hoping Harker would finish organizing his library first. = +11pts 
• Dracula frees the mad taxidermist (who’s apparently this movie’s version of Renfield) from prison, and in gratitude the taxidermist agrees to serve the Count. This, despite the fact that he clove Milos’ skull in half with a shovel for causing Tania’s death. Renfield’s a complicated guy. = -6pts 
• Now that Harker’s wife Mina has finally arrived in town, it’s as good a time as any to bring up the fact that no one’s accent in this movie matches up. Is this small Transylvanian hamlet just a massive hub for immigration? Shouldn’t Jonathan and his wife at least sound like they’re from the same hemisphere? Shouldn’t Lucy and her father? = -15pts 
• While attempting to escape to a nearby city, Tania’s mother is murdered by one of Dracula’s henchmen living in the town. It’s a testament to Argento’s visionary direction that the violence of her mutilation is paralleled by the choppiness of the sequence’s editing. = -8pts 
• In the process of seducing Lucy—whom we’ll remind you again is being portrayed by THE DIRECTOR’S DAUGHTER—Dracula manages to work one of her boobs out of her night shirt. Dario Argento, you are one creepy, creepy dude. = -35pts 
• Lucy, frustrated over her father’s insistence on inspecting her neck for bites, complains to Mina “You know what parents are like. A simple case of influenza simply flusters them.” = -3pts (For perpetuating hurtful stereotypes about parents.) 
• Because we couldn’t possibly go the whole movie without being exposed to every square inch of his daughter’s body, Argento works in a scene where Mina gives Lucy a sponge bath. = -35pts 
• The shrine with the headless statue of the Blessed Virgin that Mina comes across in the woods is easily the creepiest thing in this whole movie. = +10pts 
• Mina staves off Dracula’s advances and flees out into blue-tinted daylight that we’re pretty sure is supposed to represent night. = -4pts 
• Dracula interrupts a secret meeting among the town’s leading citizens by slipping into the room in the form of a swarm of flies. This would be a cool effect if the CGI flies weren’t a step below Syfy Channel made-for-TV quality. = -28pts 
• Buuuuut, they kind of make up for it by having Dracula lay waste to five dudes, including one guy whose head Drac straight-up punches off. = +50pts 

• The town priest can’t help Mina with her vampire problem, but he knows a guy. = +3pts 
• Van Helsing makes his first appearance (roughly one hour and thirty minutes into the movie) by sneaking into the late Lucy’s cottage and startling the hell out of Mina. Maybe the cottage is just infested with elderly Dutch men? = -6pts 
• Rutger Hauer’s performance is so phoned in that he might as well be checking Facebook while he delivers his lines. = -15pts 
• Despite the fact that we watched him unpack a real cross from his bag just a few minutes ago, Van Helsing attempts to confront Vampire Lucy with two sticks held together in a t-shape. = -5pts 
• Van Helsing thwarts an attempt on his life by stabbing Tania in the heart with an iron cross. Although, perhaps due to the sheer mass of her enormous breasts, Tania’s heart seems to be located somewhere below her sternum. = +4pts 
• Dracula Mantis. = -150pts

• Upon refusing to help Van Helsing in his quest, the priest reminds the vampire hunter that Dracula is “eeeeeeviiiilllll!” = +13pts 
• Kind of amazed Van Helsing has the time tonight to break into a blacksmith’s shop and start forging his own silver bullets. = +4pts 
• As one astute IMDB message board user points out, there is no evidence that Van Helsing knows the guy who barges in on him in the smith’s shop was one of Dracula’s henchmen prior to impaling the dude’s head on a nail. = +16pts 
• Thank God the priest found the courage to accompany Van Helsing on his mission. Otherwise who would sprinkle holy water over the ashes of the vampires Van Helsing has already killed? = -3pts 
• Does Van Helsing dispatch of all Dracula’s henchmen so quickly because he’s such a badass, or because Rutger Hauer wasn’t about to learn a bunch of fight scene choreography for this movie? = +/-24pts (Depending on how you answer) 
• Shoehorning in the Mina/Mrs. Dracula love subplot from the Coppola film in the last 15 minutes of the movie. = -11pts 
• In previous scenes, we’ve watched Dracula tear open people’s throats with his teeth and nails, impale men with monstrous animal limbs, and—let’s not forget—bat a dude’s head off with a single swipe. For some reason, he’s really taking his time on Van Helsing, though. = -6pts 
• Mina breaks free of the spell long enough to shoot Dracula with the bullets Van Helsing smithed…which apparently are mixed with garlic? Because that’s totally a thing you can do? = -9pts 
• Dracula reforms into a wolfen cloud of ash just moments after Mina and Van Helsing walk away from his resting place, presumably to go murder them both off-screen. = +13pts

Total Score = -246/-294
Available on: Netflix streaming, competing for the top spot of everyone’s list of the worst things that Dario Argento has done so far

Dario Argento’s Dracula is obviously a loving tribute to the old Hammer Dracula films of the ‘70s, but even taking the camp factor of its source material into account, it’s fairly shocking how fundamentally awful this movie is. There is literally not a single aspect of Dracula that can redeem the film: the acting is amateurish, the plot aimless, the special effects so cheap Argento might have won them in a cereal box. It’s possible that the movie looked better in 3D, but the nanobots have their doubts. A lot of the issues with the film are things that have plagued Argento throughout his career, but his best work was so imaginative and flawlessly stylized that their shortcomings barely registered. There isn’t even a ghost of that to be found in Dracula. The movie’s one saving grace is that his judgment is so impaired at this point that some truly batshit moments can work their way in. Dracula mantis, you guys. Dracula mantis.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 7

After last weeks Emmy reel for Peter Dinklage, and with the traditional Memorial Day week off, Benioff and Weiss set the table for the final three episodes of the season.

• Fell in Love with a Whore, the first single off the inevitable White Stripes reunion album. = +2pts
• Yoga with The Mountain. = +8pts (He's really perfected the downward cleave position.)
• Arya Stark kindly gives "nothing" to a dying man. = +3pts
• Bonus point alert! = +4pts (1pt for every scene featuring a character wiping blood off their sword onto the person they just killed.)
• Tyrion and Bronn break-up. = -5pts
• Calisi's first casting couch! = +3pts (We're so proud of her! Still, it's a slippery slope from here on out.)
• Humor might not be a strong suit of Selyse Baratheon, but she's got awkward naked bathtub conversations with husband's mistress/witch totally locked down. = +4pts
• Kidney Pie. = -2pts (Just. No.)
• Prince Oberyn's pep talk! Nothing tops off a hard day quite like hearing from a complete stranger about that time he visited you when you were a baby and he watched as your sister tried to pinch off your little baby penis. And to think all some people need is a nice glass of wine! = +1pt
• Hello, my name is Prince Oberyn, brother of Doran Martell, son of Lewyn Martell. You killed and raped my sister. Prepare to die. = +25pts
• Is there a better first move than talking about how much you love a woman's dead mother right before you lean in for your first kiss? We doubt it! = -5pts
• Little finger plays skeeball with Aunt Lysa. = +10pts (To be fair, it's really hard to hit that 100pt pocket from three hundred feet.)

Episode Score: +48pts

Season Score: +249pts

As table setting go, this episode seems to be foreshadowing a pretty delicious meal. You'll have to forgive us, we could drone on about this episode for hours, but we've got to spend the next two weeks fantasizing exactly how awesome it's going to be to watch Prince Oberyn do yoga with The Mountain.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

No Retreat, No Surrender

The IMDB synopsis for No Retreat, No Surrender is the following:

Jason Stillwell summons the ghost of Bruce Lee, who teaches him how to beat people up.

That sounds amazing. Is No Retreat, No Surrender essentially The Karate Kid with the corporeal specter of Bruce Lee playing the part of Mr. Miyagi? Grab a seat and let the nanobots uncover the truth!

• Offering free karate lessons by phone. = +2pts 
• Chiding your son for using Jeet Kune Do instead of karate to beat up a kid in your dojo. = -4pts 
• You know that the evil corporate dojo isn't messing around when they show up to a business negotiation with Jean-Claude Van Damme in tow. = +3pts 
• Getting your leg nonchalantly broken by Jean-Claude Van Damme while he's wearing a white suit. = -4pts 
• Introducing R. J., the token black friend, by having him dribble a basketball while riding a bicycle with a built-in boombox. = -12pts 
• Also, he has a Jheri curl. = -3pts 
• Introducing the token fat bully by having him eating from the ENTIRE FUCKING CAKE he's just carrying around. = -15pts 
• Karate > rapping while popping and locking. = +7pts 
• Ironing on a Bruce Lee decal to a wife beater. = +2pts (It's kinda awesome) 
• Including a theremin in the soundtrack during a fight scene. = +3pts 
• Using a power washer to knock a kid off of his skateboard. = +10pts 
• Bringing flowers to Bruce Lee's grave and then awkwardly introducing yourself to the headstone. = -5pts 
• The fat bully's intense hatred for R. J. is never explained, even when his cronies ask him point-blank, so we're assuming it's because he's a no-good racist. = -10pts 
• Deflecting a kick with your moobs. = +3pts 
• “No retreat, no surrender!” R. J. shouts seconds before he and Jason retreat. = -8pts 
• Establishing your dojo as the douchey one by pitting a black belt against a red belt for shits and giggles. = -4pts 
• '80s alert: the enormousness of your hair is proportionate to the smallness of your breasts. = -3pts 
• That's a goddamn rooster-print couch. = +5pts (We seriously want one) 
• Bringing your giant trophy to your sister's birthday in lieu of any presents. = -5pts 
• Wait, how does Jason know this birthday girl? Didn't he just move to Seattle? = -6pts 
• Getting the cutest bunny rabbit in the world as a gift. = +9pts 
• Having your ass handed to you by a dude in a poncy pirate shirt. = -4pts 
• Calling a man whose leg was shattered by Jean-Claude Van Damme a coward for running away. = -3pts
• Driving a wedge further into the relationship with your son by tearing his Bruce Lee poster in half. = -6pts 
• R. J. shows up wearing a shower cap so that he can let his soul glow later on in the film. = -2pts 
• Breaking into an abandoned house to turn it into your makeshift martial arts studio. = +4pts 
• Jason falls asleep before he can rub one out to the pages of his muscleman magazines. = -6pts (We hate it when that happens) 
• Being a ghost means that everything you say sounds like it's been dubbed over in post-production. = -7pts
• Pouring Diet Coke into water as a metaphor for how knowledge works. = -6pts 
• Training montage! = +4pts 
• R. J. jumping ass-first into Jason's lap. Get a room, you two! = -3pts 
• After teaching a whiny suburban honky the true meaning of martial arts, the Ghost of Bruce Lee ascends back to his celestial home without asking after his loved ones. = -10pts 
• In a scene that lasts for fifteen seconds, R. J. gleefully eats ice cream and listens to headphones while sitting on Jason's crotch as Jason thrusts into the air. We can't make this up. = +30pts 
• Saving your wussy dad from getting beaten up by middle-aged hillbillies. = +4pts (Seattle hillbillies are a particularly ferocious bunch) 
• '80s alert: breakdancing interlude! = +5pts 
• R. J. shows up at the club dressed like Thriller-era Michael Jackson, complete with sparkly disco glove. = +4pts 
• The evil corporate dojo squares off against the douchebag jock dojo in a tournament that no one cares about. = -4pts 
• R. J. wearing a Playboy Bunny t-shirt ironically. = +4pts 
• It wouldn't be a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie if he didn't do the splits for no reason. = -3pts 
• In an effort to out-douche the representative of the douchey dojo, Jean-Claude Van Damme literally knocks him out. Twice. = -6pts 
• Jean-Claude is a champion of karate and making ridiculous rage faces. = +4pts 
• Strangling your opponent with top ropes and then punching out a teenaged girl when she tries to interfere. = -8pts 
• Having Van Dammed each of his opponents, Jean-Claude rips off his shirt and goes full-zerker on Jason only to lose horribly. = +6pts 
• '80s alert: the hero is victoriously hoisted into the air until the credits roll. = +3pts

Total score: -35pts
Available: Streaming on YouTube and on loop in McDojos across America

No Retreat, No Surrender is best described as a ridiculous coming-of-age story peppered with awesome karate fights. The plot is as over-the-top as the acting and the characters interact with one another in such bizarre manners that belief cannot be suspended, but the karate action can get entertainingly intense. In other words, you definitely need to be watching this movie right now.

Score Technician: T.J. Geise

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 6

With this week turning attention to the main attraction that is Tyrion's trial, we can only hope that things are handled as badassedly as the subplots were last week. At the very least, we can expect a significant drop in revenge crucifixions.

• It's good to know that even the Iron Bank of Braavos will deny loans to those whose only asset is, “Fuck you, I'm king!” = +8pts 
• Davos use of Fingerless Defense is super effective! = +3pts 
• Nothing pulls the wind from the sails of a pirate's hard-on faster than having a hot tub full of naked girls ruin the Brown Pants punchline. = -4pts 
• Yara Greyjoy didn't react to a dick in a box as favorably as The Lonely Island would have you believe. = -2pts 
• Being so loyal to your insane kidnapper that you'd rather cower in a kennel cage than taste the sweet succulence of freedom. = -5pts 
• Cosmo is right: strangling your man during coitus will give him the vigor needed to charge shirtless into a phalanx of armored guards. = +12pts 
• The following scene is not from Game of Thrones slash fiction: “Do you love me?” Ramsay asks Reek as he gingerly bathes the eunuch's twitching shoulders. = -6pts 
• Rather than find a way to keep her dragons fed, Daenerys finds it easier to mend despondent goatherds' broken hearts with cold, hard cash. = +3pts 
• What's the difference between Hizdahr zo Loraq's dad and a picture of Hizdahr zo Loraq's dad? It only took one nail to hang up the picture! Get it? Wait, why are you closing the web browser? Come back! Damn it... we knew it was a bad idea to make crucifixion jokes. = -20pts 
• Does no one pay attention to the Small Council meetings? How many times must Lord Droopy Tyrell say it – he's the goddamn is Master of Ships! Discussion over! = +2pts
• We're not sure how much 100 silver coins is worth in Westeros, but it doesn't seem like high enough of a bounty for The Hound considering that he CUT A GUY IN HALF. TWICE. = -4pts for insulting The Hound, +8pts for reminding us how awesome he is. Total score = +4pts
• “Also, she has fabulous hair,” was The Spider's unspoken line regarding the greatness of Daenerys. = +6pts 
• Oberyn Martell's embarrassing gaydar malfunction. = -2pts 
• Not throwing out Maester Pycelle's testimony for saying that Joffrey was the most noble boy in Westeros. = -3pts 
• Et tu, Varys? = -6pts 
• After coolly revealing his insidiously crafted master plan, Tywin smugly basks in the glory as he is crowned High King of the Douchebags. = +30pts 
• Boy... Shae's testimony escalated quickly. = -15pts 
• The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series goes to Peter Dinklage for delivering the most vitriolic verbal equivalent of a middle finger in television history. =+50pts

Episode Score: +55pts
Season Score: = +256pts

We know what you're thinking. “Crap in a hat! This season of Game of Thrones is so, so good! When can I make love to George R. R. Martin and birth his little beardy babies?” Yes, it's good, and no, you (probably) can't have his babies. But think about what the hell Tyrion just said. Who do you think will be his first choice as trial by combat stand-in? Jaime “Some Prick Chopped Off My Hand” Lannister.

And who does Tywin Lannister always go to when he needs someone's face bashed in? The Mountain ”I Decapitated A Fucking Horse” Clegane.

Despite the Internet digging their claws into Jaime for savagely (spoiler redacted) his grieving (spoiler redacted) in front of their dead (spoiler redacted), Jaime has come a long way since his kid-crippling, eye-gouging days. We begrudgingly fell in love with the Kingslayer after he bonded with Brienne and saved her from being mauled by a bear. Since his return to Westeros, he's kept his word to protect Sansa and has been the only Lannister in Tyrion's corner. Now, he's almost certainly going to get his head punched off by an armored sociopath. LOL Game of Thrones!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

The Room

Lots of people have stories they want to tell, believing they can shed light on the human experience and contribute to the perpetual dialogue of what it means to be alive on this planet of ours. Not everybody gets the opportunity to do so, and sometimes that’s for the best. So what happens when someone feels so passionately for their story that he is willing to spend a small fortune to realize his dream of putting his story to film? You get The Room, a 2003 film made for $6 million, despite looking just barely better than a home movie. A film that tries to tackle ideas of love, betrayal, happiness, tuxedo football, and more…

• Establishing shots of San Francisco are accompanied by the most dramatic synthesized music since the theme from the first Terminator movie. = +10pts 
• Trivia Note: Executive Producer Drew Caffrey had been dead for years prior to production beginning. = +15pts (For securing funding from the elusive Dead Producers Society.) 
• In any other film, Tommy Wiseau would be cast as the grotesque villain. Here? He’s the romantic lead. = -4pts 
• Characters just say things without regard for what the person with whom they’re conversing just said. = -5pts 
• Everything Johnny says in tinged with a leering, possessing tone, followed by a creepy chuckle. Are we sure he isn’t secretly the villain? = -8pts 
• A guest walks right into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment; then they immediately go upstairs to bone. We guess social norms about hosting are out the window too. = +5pts Denny likes to watch. We know this because he tells us. = -4pts 
• And so commences a 5-minute soft-core porn sex scene, complete with soft focus, candles, roses, a glass fountain that appeared from nowhere, and a cheesy R&B soundtrack. = -10pts 
• The blatant continuity errors are far and away the least of this film’s transgressions. = +7pts 
• The only way to describe Johnny’s body is “unsettlingly ripped.” = -3pts 
• Shots of Lisa’s nipples don’t add anything to the film, and there’s a bedsheet right there. We are curious about any direction given to Lisa’s actress concerning attempts to cover up. = -3pts 
• TOMMY WISEAU’S ASS. ERROR 403: NANOBOTS RECALIBRATING. 
• Johnny is more obsessed with roses than a magic girls’ anime love interest. = -5pts 
• Lisa’s mom: exposition-deliverer extraordinaire! = -4pts 
• Remember ladies: it’s ok if you don’t love your fiancé future husband so long as he can provide for you. = -10pts 
• Lisa whines to Mark that her mother is trying to control her, then asks Mark to tell her what to do. That’s not internal character inconsistency; it’s theme expressed through character. = -2pts (+6pts for showing not telling, -8pts for horrific themes) 
• “The candles. The music. The sexy dress. I mean, what’s going on here?” Mark, if you have to ask, you’ll never know. = -4pts 
• Protesting infidelity makes Mark horny. = +5pts 
• Another extended soft-core sex scene, this one complete with moaning on the soundtrack. = -5pts 
• Spiral staircase sex! = +8pts 
• Song title: “You Are My Rose.” = +5pts (For establishing a clear motif.) 
• The dog is the best actor in this film. The fact that it has no lines might be the biggest contributing factor to that distinction. = +10pts 
• One half Canadian bacon and pineapple, one half artichoke and pesto, light on the cheese? The characters’ awfulness even extends to their taste in food. = -7pts 
• People keep saying they’re busy despite all visual evidence suggesting they’re doing absolutely nothing. We’re adding “the meaning of words” to the list of real-world concepts that don’t exist in the film. = -6pts 
• Further evidence of the above point: Lisa calling Denny a “brat” when he asks if he can kiss her. = -5pts 
• “I don’t drink! You know that!” Lisa may know that, but thank you for filling in the audience, Johnny. = -4pts 
• Johnny has a drinking problem in the same way Ted Stryker has a drinking problem. = +8pts 
• Lisa convinces Johnny to have sex with her by saying that he “owes her one.” The implicit elements of this relationship just keep getting creepier. = -9pts 
• Every man in Claudette’s life is terrible. Except Johnny, of course. = -4pts 
• Lisa’s response to her mother’s breast cancer diagnosis is “don’t worry about it.” Seeing as how this subplot never comes up again, Claudette takes the advice. = +8pts
• Greatest o-face in cinema history. = +8pts

• “What are these characters doing here?” Claudette becomes an impossibly meta audience surrogate. = +10pts 
• “How many people come in and out of this apartment every day?” STOP MAKING SENSE, STRAW MISANDRIST! = +3pts (+12pts for making sense, -9pts for having the single logical character be awful) 
• Wiseau has made his character a veritable modern-day Jesus. Always the sign of a healthy ego. = -5pts 
• “Johnny is very caring about the people in his life.” Wait, shouldn’t Claudette be telling that to Lisa, and not the other way around? Did this become Freaky Friday? = - 8pts
• “Don’t worry about it” and “it doesn’t matter” serve as catch-all reactions to tragedy in these characters’ lives. No wonder their lives are so fucked up. = -3pts 
• There are establishing shots in between scenes at the same location. In the film’s defense, the San Francisco setting is so irrelevant to the film that viewers are likely to forget there is a larger world beyond Johnny’s apartment building. = -4pts 
• Chris-R, a drug dealer who knows the value of a good hyphen. = +9pts 
• “What did that man want from you?” You mean the man who was incapable of saying anything other than “Where’s my fucking money?” = -5pts (One for each minute Denny needed to get the fucking money) 
• Claudette remains the only sane character by refuting the standard “don’t worry about it”/”it doesn’t matter” non-answer. If only she were wise in other ways, maybe these characters might learn something. = +8pts 
• “You know that Johnny’s like your father.” THANKS FOR TELLING US, LISA! = -6pts 
• “Let’s go home.” Dude, you are home. = -4pts
• Johnny angrily defends his character to no one in particular. = +8pts (For adding evidence to the following theories: (a) Johnny is mentally ill; (b) Johnny is an alien communicating with the mothership) 
• Johnny finds domestic abuse hilarious. = -15pts 
• Our world has the maid/mother/crone triple goddess view of women. Wiseau’s world has the too dumb/too smart/too evil view of women. = -20pts 
• Deciding which movie to see before arriving at the cinema is too much planning for Johnny. = +10pts (For reminding us of the importance of being a free spirit.) 
• After Denny declares his love for Lisa to Johnny, Johnny “reminds” him that Lisa is like his mother. So now there’s an incest subtext. = -9pts 
• In every scene in which Lisa talks with another woman, the topic is always Johnny. That sound you hear is Alison Bechdel Hulking out. = -3pts (One for each step of the Bechdel test.) 
• “Future husband” and “future wife” are the film’s version of “freedom fries.” = -2pts 
• “That’s life” is actually a pretty on-point response to a rambling story about coitus interruptus. = +6pts 
• “I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.” We admire Mike’s honesty. = +8pts 
• On the other hand, Mike doesn’t want to “get into” the story he just willingly told. = -4pts 
• Claudette is appalled Johnny wouldn’t give her friend money. In fairness, he gives everyone money, so Claudette’s expectations are justified. = -7pts 
• “You don’t want to talk about it? Then why did you bring it up in the first place?” We are convinced Claudette’s lines were written by an annoyed script supervisor. = +10pts 
• Don’t make Claudette tired. You wouldn’t like her when she’s tired. = +4pts 
• Way to bring back the soliloquy. = +8pts 
• Let’s all laugh at Peter for blinking a lot and touching everything on set… What’s that? He was doing that because the actor suffered a concussion on-set and Wiseau wouldn’t let him go to the hospital? Oh geez… = -15pts 
• Johnny yells at Peter for always “playing psychologist” with him right after Johnny requested his opinion as a psychologist. Clearly, Peter is not a good psychologist if he hasn’t recommended some kind of intense therapy for Johnny. = -3pts 
• “So what’s the interesting part?” We like to think that line was ad-libbed by a very frustrated Sestero. = +10pts 
• Wiseau saw Homer Simpson’s “where’s Poochy” advice and found it to be the key to screenwriting. = +5pts 
• Mark suffers from Reefer Madness. To learn more about Reefer Madness, consult this documentary. = -4pts 
• Peter is such a good friend, all attempted murder is easily forgiven. = +6pts 
• More NFL teams should play in tuxedos. = +7pts 
• “Anyway, how’s your sex life?” is a criminally underused conversation-starter. = +5pts 
• These awkwardly shot soft-core scenes remind us that some things should be left to the professionals. = -6pts 
• We’d say that the audio tech should be fired, but the lack of dialogue makes the film better. = +8pts 
• “I don’t want to talk about it” is the perfect capper to a speech detailing your worldview. = -9pts 
• If the notoriously litigious Disney did not sue Wiseau for featuring their logo in this film, there truly is no justice in this world. = -10pts 
• “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!” = +6pts 
• “You invited all my friends! Good thinking!” Johnny probably would have invited his enemies had he been in charge of planning his birthday party. = +4pts 
• Establishing shots now used to torture us by reminding we could be out enjoying San Francisco. = -5pts 
• Lisa told Johnny she was pregnant to “make things interesting.” Lisa is worse than Hannibal Lector. = -7pts 
• Telling your girlfriend that another woman “sure is looking hot tonight” is a great relationship strategy. = -6pts 
• At least Lisa’s dress will never betray Johnny. = -11pts 
• Denny demands that Lisa and Mark leave him alone with Johnny’s corpse. In a surprising showing of sense, Wiseau chooses not to show us what Denny does with the corpse. = +5pts

The Room is what results when a man has the means but not the talent to realize his impossible dream. Tommy Wiseau wanted to tell his story, and he succeeded in the most horrifying way imaginable. Instead of dazzling audiences with a tragic tale of the dark side of human interaction, we are treated to a psychological profile of a man who barely understands human interaction and has very dark views toward women and very deep-seated self-esteem issues. In Wiseau’s constructed world, characters don’t act in any way like a real human would, women are hateful, shrewish, and manipulative, and his author avatar, Johnny, is a selfless saint, whom everyone is perpetually adulating. Sitting through the film takes patience and fortitude, but, to be honest, it is strangely worthwhile. The Room is an uproariously funny in ways that can only result from its independent nature. Because for all the bad studio films out there, none could ever be as sublimely bad as this.

Total score = -38pts
Available: DVD

Score Technician: Andrew Daar

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 5

Okay, time to get caught up. No words. Just scores.

• Westros has a new king! And so the people of Westros must ask themselves what Americans have been asking themselves for years: "How many Carter brothers are there?" = -1pts
• Calisi's got 99 problems, but being a bitch with dragons ain't one. = -2pts (No, seriously, she has major problems. Welcome to upper management!)
• And with the line, "I need to be more than that," Calisi makes the tough decision to to become Batman. = +10pts
• Littlefinger is finally revealed to be...someone who's spent his entire life hating being called Littlefinger. Hell hath no fury like a man made fun of for the size of his....fingers. = +10pts (One for each tiny little phalange!)
• Arya steals a page from The Scorecard Book of Sleep: Whenever you're having trouble falling asleep, just think of and call out all of the people who've dismembered, humiliated, eaten, and raped your family. You'll be knocking out some fresh zzz's in no time! = +4pts
• Call us crazy, but nothing makes our day like being forced to marry your orgasmic aunt's breastfeeding cousin! You can practically hear the DNA shredding itself. Good times! = -3pts
• Lighting your meal on fire and then putting it out with finely crafted shit covered boots. = +5pts
• Hodor goes totally Hodor. = +12pts
• Dire-wolf face eating! = +5pts

Episode Score +40pts
Season Score +201pts

They could have easily titled this episode "Settling Scores." Lots of long-standing open wounds were cauterized this episode (Craster's Keep, that pirate guy who chopped off Jaime's hand, Cersi's relationship with her father and son's potential wives), and essential long simmering afflictions where finally diagnosed (Littlefingers and all of his little fingers). The result was a quiet gem of an episode that, when considered, left us feeling like we had crossed the momentous equator at the heart of George Martin's massive saga. While nothing as earth shattering as Jeoffry's death stood at the center, one couldn't help but feel like a roller coaster just crested. From here on out it's gonna be crazy. Put your hands up and enjoy the ride.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 4

With Daenerys on the cusp of adding more freed slaves to her army, will her dongless companions be jealous? Will Tyrion get out of jail? Will the Onion Knight level up his reading enough to take on The Little Mountain That Could (Decapitate a Horse)? Let's find out!

• While we admire Daenerys for being the Baberaham Lincoln of Essos, we'd really like to see more guys get burned alive in dragonfire. = +3pts 
• The only thing more calming than the tormented screams of crucified slavers would be the tormented screams of crucified slavers burning alive in dragonfire. = +5pts (Where are her dragons?)
• Getting pimp slapped with your own solid gold hand. = +8pts 
• Swapping prison stories is all fun and games until you drop the, “I had to sit in my own poop for weeks” card. Not cool, bro. = -3pts 
• With Lord Baelish marrying Sansa's aunt, the nanobots really should have more Uncle Littlefinger jokes at the ready. = -2pts 
• Talking shit about a pretty garden. = -4pts 
• On the next Real Housewives of House Tyrell, Lady Olenna confesses to seduction, adultery, and regicide. = +10 pts 
• Tommen must really be regretting his rubbing one out before bedtime. = -3pts 
• Naming your cat “Ser Pounce.” = +9pts 
• Sending your brawny girlfriend and your brother's doofy sex-tiger on a quest to protect the girl that your fuck-sister explicitly asked you to murder. = +14pts (It's Adventure Time!) 
• Watching the Dr. Gottlieb from Pacific Rim drink wine from Lord Commander Mormont's skull while all around him men sworn to chastity rape inbred Wildlings. = -12pts 
• A good leader is known for his ability to make his subordinates dispose of ugly babies. = -5pts 
• Being mean to Hodor. = -20pts 
• Why is Liam Neeson's stepson from Love Actually so sweaty? Oh... = -4pts 
• Hey there, Mr. Ice Demon! Whatcha gonna do with that ugly baby? Oh... = -6pts

Episode Score -10pts
Season Score +161pts

This episode saw a lot of wheels turning and hints at excitement, but ultimately fell a bit flat. Plus, they hurt Hodor! Even so, we're really excited to watch The Adventures of Lady Manhands and Fuck Weasel. Gosh, we hope that there will be a cross-over with Captain Burnface and Lad Lass!

Score Technician: TJ Geise