Friday, March 8, 2013

The Keep

The Keep is shrouded in mystery. And when we say that, we're not so much talking about enigmatic edifice alluded to in the title, but the actual film itself. Seriously, what the hell is this movie about and who's responsible for it? Does anyone know?
  • Holy shit! Directed by Michael Mann! = +75pts
  • Music by Tangerine Dream! = +5pts
  • The bad guy from Beerfest! Playing a Nazi! (Being in Beerfest = +10pts; Being a Nazi. = -9pts) Net Points= +1pt
  • Shooting a movie in what looks like Rock City. = +10pts (See it!)
  • Saying the line, "It doesn't make any sense. It looks like it was built, not to keep something out, but-" This phrase has been interrupted for your benefit and has been assessed a Scorecard cliche penalty. = -10pts
  • Having the salty old townie tell you to never touch the crosses...and then touching the crosses. = -25pts
  • German Nazi soldiers with British accents. = +5pts
  • The massive farting Keep sequence (with accompanying architectural anus). = +70pts (A cinema first!)
  • Oh, snap! Scott Glenn! = +20pts
  • According to this movie, Nazis with green arm badges weren't as bad as Nazis with red arm badges. Hold on, let me just Wikipedia this. Just to confirm... Okay, let's see...Nazis with green badges...Um, hmmm...Nope, all Nazis' sucked. = -30pts
  • Holy shit! A young Faux Soze as a bad Nazi general! (For being a Nazi general. = -10pts; For being Faux Fucking Soze. = +30pts) Net. = +20pts
  • Faux Soze's German accent. = -10pts
  • Holy shit! Gandeto/Mandalf! In this movie! = +80pts
  • For the Scorecard crew having never heard of this movie, despite the sheer volume of Academy Award level talent (being made in 1983 is no excuse.), we must penalize ourselves for our incompetence. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard is docked -100 points.
  • The fact that everyone in this movie looks the same age now that they did in 1983. = +10pts
  • Mandalf's indeterminable accent. = -10pts
  • Gandeto's fuzzy mittens. = -5pts
  • Really? A scene of Nazi face meltings? In 1983? A few years after Raiders of the Lost Ark? and you couldn't make them look at least as cool? Embarrassing. = -30pts
  • That beautifully shot scene starring that moving fart cloud fly thing. = +25pts
  • For finally explaining how Magneto got out of the Nazi death camps. Thanks for nothing, X-Men: First Class! = +10pts
  • For having the female lead sleep with Scott Glenn, a man she had never met and didn't even have a conversation with. -20pts
  • Taking us back to the day when aggressive, flat-hand rubbing on naked backs, and holding hands signified passionate sex. Thanks for nothing internet porn! =+5pts
  • Skeletor cameo. = +10pts
  • Yelling at your previously wheelchair-bound friend for being able to walk and telling him to burn in hell. = -15pts
  • Crying into the arms of the man you just boned, who you don't know, and who has just mentioned he has to kill your father without providing a sensible, or understandable, reason for doing so. = -20pts
  • For taking 5 minutes to show us how Mandalf figured his way through the Mines of Moria. = +5pts
  • Constantly changing the the hairstyle of the female lead so that we think it's a different chick every time. = -15pts
  • Almost killing your daughter because a guy in a rubber Skeletor suit told you too. = +25pts (Hey, we said almost.)
  • Does Scott Glenn really need any prosthesis on his already long neck? We don't think so. = -5pts
  • For not making any sense. = -25pts
  • For the repetitive message that Nazi's were mean. Was this still in doubt in 1983? = +1pt
  • For an overall lack of accent integrity. = -10pts
  • For almost single handedly killing Mandalf's movie career. = -20pts
  • We are giving our 100 points back to ourselves because it is pretty clear why we never heard of this movie and why none of the poeple involved every cited it in any of the hundreds of interviews they've given since. PCS= +100pts
Total Score = +127pts
Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: 0pts (Just where we like it!)
Available On: Netflix streaming, a list of things that Ian McKellan and Michael Mann are apparently willing to do for the right price.

Despite several beautiful Michael-Mann-esque-shots, and an amazing roster of (future) Academy Award nominees-ingredients so impressive that we initially penalized ourselves for not knowing of this film's existence-what we're left with was a nonsensical movie that appears to basically be about architectural flatulence.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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