Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Care Bears Movie

Here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard, we pride ourselves on our ability to find the best and worst of modern film. But we can’t ignore what brought us here in the first place, the movies that shaped us as children. Today, we take a look at The Care Bears Movie, a 1985 film featuring those lovable, huggable characters who taught us how to feel. But re-watching the movie as adults, will we care about the Care Bears?
  • The movie begins with orphans praying. Oh, we know where this is going. = -2pts 
  •  Let’s not hire actual children to play the orphans. Instead, let’s hire adults to speak in their most annoyingly childish voices. = -6pts 
  • The Care Bears live in a happy-looking cloud land called Care-a-Lot. So, Heaven, I guess? = -12pts (For idolatry. One for each apostle.) 
  •  Carole King sings the title song, and Mickey Rooney plays the storyteller. This thing just got real. = +10pts 
  •  “Care-a-Lot is a playground you can find for sliding and swinging.” We have misjudged this movie completely. There are bears gallivanting among rainbows. This film is clearly ahead of its time when it comes to gay acceptance. = +10pts 
  •  “Secret Bear says not to worry. No one can keep a secret like Secret Bear.” Now take this candy and come with us to our rainbow cloud land… little boy. = -7pts 
  •  The baby Care Bears are named Hugs and Tugs. Wasn’t that the theme of last year’s pride parade? = +3pts 
  • Apparently, the bears are voiced by the same adults who play the orphans. = -5pts
  •  Sometimes the singing bears move their mouths, and sometimes they don’t. Not exactly a masterpiece of animation, this film. = -9pts 
  •  “Take a chance on lovin’ again. And follow me and let me take you where, when you think nobody cares, nobody cares like a bear.” We’re willing to give the Care Bears the benefit of the doubt and overlook the slightly pedophiliac undertones. For letting kids know it’s okay to be gay, = +8pts 
  • Creepy spirit with a face coming out of a book. = -2pts 
  •  “It’s true that I’m not big. But it’s amazing what you can do if you really put your heart into it.” Nice thought, Lotsa Heart Elephant, but size matters. = -3pts 
  •  The Forest of Feelings has cliffs made of cupcakes, subtly telling children they should, in fact, eat their feelings. = -10pts 
  •  Tenderheart Bear’s speaking voice sounds like Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls doing a stuffed bear voice. Yet his singing voice sounds like the lead singer of the Lovin’ Spoonful. = -5pts 
  •  The final image is the Care Bears and the Care Bear Cousins standing still and waving. Now we know where the Jewelry Exchange got its commercial idea. =+7pts (For an idea with some real staying power.)
Total score = -29pts
Available on: Netflix streaming

The Care Bears Movie is one of those that you won’t mind watching once with your kids because it’s funny in ways they won’t be able to appreciate for many years. It has some decent drinking game potential too, which is good, because honestly, you’re probably gonna need a little something to get through it. It’s a movie without the slightest trace of cynicism, one that aims to teach kids to be kind, respectful, and helpful at all times. Is that really what you want your children watching? We didn’t think so.

Score Technician: Erika Grotto

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