Tuesday, July 16, 2013

End of Watch

Cops Mike Zavala (Michael Peña) and Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal) bring their own cameras along as they cruise the streets of South L.A., killing babies, rescuing drug dealers, and running afoul of human traffickers. Maybe we mixed a couple of those things up. Anyway, it’s that last one that gets them into trouble.
  • First chase scene is really Grand Theft Auto. Really. We left our old Playstation hooked up and forgot to start the movie. = +5pts 
  • Inside every L.A.P.D. vehicle camera, there is a teeny, tiny French New Wave director making jump-cuts to spice things up for later viewing. = +5pts 
  • Using America Ferrera to play the same role Michelle Rodriguez plays in every movie instead of Michelle Rodriguez. = -7pts 
  • Hey, Public Enemy has still got it! = +10pts 
  • Wait a minute, are we supposed to believe that the cops are rolling around listening to Public Enemy? = -5pts 
  • That camera clipped to your chest is picking up some suspiciously well-framed shots. = -3pts 
  • For expecting we’ll buy that a gangster gives a cop more respect after getting beaten up by one. = -7pts 
  • It’s disturbing how believable it is that at least one person in every group of characters is constantly filming what’s happening. = -3pts 
  • Van Hauser’s hilariously over the top “departmental ass-fucking ” speech. = +12pts 
  • Duct taping your toddlers’ mouths shut and stuffing them in a closet makes you a bad person? Come on, even if you’re not a crack head, admit that you’ve been in a confined space like an airplane with a screaming child, wishing that you had some duct tape. = -17pts 
  • Sooo much interracial buddy banter. ‘Cause Mexicans always gotta be sayin’ that thing…and white people always gotta be doin’ that silly thing..and why green people always gotta talk like bleep blorp bloop blop and shit….What? Too far? = -2pts 
  • Naming a character Big Evil. = +3pts 
  • Okay, we were suspending our disbelief about an unseen, omnipresent director filming major parts of the story until the main characters started having sex. Who’s the pervy eye in the sky filming the sex? Does this actually happen in real life? We’re getting paranoid. = -13pts 
  • Freakin’ rhinestone studded gun handle. = +5pts 
  • Freakin’ gold-plated A-K! = +20pts 
  • Keep trying houses. One of them may harbor a plot point. = -2pts 
  • Rescuing toddlers not once, but twice, and only halfway through the movie, earning our main characters moviedom’s highest honor: the slow clap! *slow clap* = +15pts 
  • Angelenos just elected the guy who played the mayor in this movie as the actual mayor. There’s no joke here. = -10pts 
  • Eeeyagh! Knife in eye! Knife in eye! = +23pts 
  • Least likely End of Watch spinoff: “Boots: The Unplucky Cop who Gets Beaten in the Face.” = - 2pts 
  • Would you/Did you use the first dance at your wedding to bust out a comical hip-hop routine? Think carefully – no matter how you answer, it will reveal something about your socio-economic background. = -3pts 
  • The two words you should never say as a movie character if you want to live: “I’m happy.” = -7pts 
  • The old shaving-cream-in-the-hand-while-sleeping joke provides the funniest moment of the film. = +5pts 
  • Being a cop in a movie and telling someone your wife is pregnant also guarantees bad things will happen to you. = -6pts 
  • Running into an alleyway full of pit bulls in south L.A. – also depressingly believable. = -7pts 
  • Oh bad guys, maybe you could have gotten away if you hadn’t paused so long to laugh evilly after shooting those cops. = -3pts 
  • We’re not sure why bagpipes are always played at cop funerals, whether the cops are of Celtic descent or not, but it’s appropriate, because bagpipes make people sad. = +7pts
Total Score: +13pts
Available on: Netflix, Amazon, some bullshit pay channel

Man, we’re so drunk, we can’t finish this scorecard. You can’t expect us to live our lives and pay attention to things like End of Watch at the same time. There were some good parts. Like the parts where the guy saved the other guy, and then they all lived and loved and shit. Sure, that bad thing happened, ‘cause it’s tough to be cops, but they always did the right thing, and then they learned how to make love to their spouses, and in the end, they were able to share that one sincere moment together, that one that had to do with relatives having sex. It made sense at the time. And everyone had a camera. There was that, too. Everything was being recorded. Remember that, everyone! Everything is being recorded. Yes, everything is being recorded. Which is why, in the end, we praise End of Watch for gloriously fulfilling its magnificent purpose of exalting, in their sacred benefississiphance, the brave men and women of our most awesome and holy body of institutionness: the police force. Thank God for you, cops! And thank God for you, little can of beer! Thank.…God…. *spills beer, falls off edge off table*

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

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