Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Cabin in the Woods

So, Chris Hemsworth made two movies prior to his breakout role in Thor. One was Cabin in the Woods. The other was a remake of Red Dawn. Both were developed by MGM during a transitional period and both sat on the shelf for quite a while. One of these films was co-written by Avengers (and Buffy) god, Joss Whedon and Angel disciple Drew Goddard. The other was written by five guys you’ve never heard of. Normally, we’d leave it to your common sense to determine which of these two movies is actually worth watching. But then we thought, “You know what? Since we have a few multimillion dollar nanomachines at our disposal, we could see if, in this case, science aligns with the ephemeral world of good taste.” So relax, people of earth, and let the nanobots do all the hard, as they probe the cinematic horror glory hole that is Cabin in the Woods.
  • Directed by the guy from Angel and starring almost everybody from Angel but Angel. = +20pts
  • Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins: The best dynamic superhero duo since King Rad and Wild Boy. = +30pts
  • Drawing creepy charcoal pictures of your college professor, whom you also slept with and who broke up with you. = -3pts
  • Thor pretending to be the big-time college QB, while being unable to throw a football in any believable manner. = -2pts (I SAY THEE, NAY!)
  • Since when did college kids in movies look like they were in their 30’s? Oh yeah, since the ‘80s. =  -3pts
  • QB Thor emerging from the driver’s side of a Winnebago while simultaneously tossing football back and forth in his hands. Son, that’s just not very safe. = -2pts
  • Creepy sexist gas station operator/harbinger who owns many faded confederate flags and speaks in cryptic bibleisms. = +5pts (Only in a horror movie.)
  • When to buy a cabin? When it looks like no more than eight people have been murdered there. In this case? Sell, sell, sell! = +3pts
  • Wonderful family portrait of mountain people frolicking in the innards of a dead goat. = +2pts (For using the whole animal.)
  • Actual line in response to revelation of creepy one-way mirror in desiccated cabin. “It was pioneer days. People had to make their own interrogation rooms.” = +4pts
  • Speaker phones sure can lead to good times! = +2pts
  • Do college kids even bother playing truth or dare anymore? We thought they just posted their amateur porn on the Internet. = No score. Just a question.
  • Going into a run-down cabin’s cellar. A bad idea since, 1981. = -3pts
  • DON’T OPEN THE PUZZEL SPHERE!! = +3pts (We did out part. You’re on your own from here on out, dildos.)
  • Husband bulge. = +7pts
  • The cost of doing copious amounts of weed? Nobody listens to your pleas that they not read the Latin passage scrawled in an old incest meat diary. = -4pts
  • Leave it to a family of torture prone zombie rednecks to find new ways to use a bear trap. = +2pts
  • Wait, so Whitford and Jenkins are bad? Fine. They’re the coolest bad guys since Doctor Blasphemy and…um, Kid Vicious? = +5pts
  • Weaponizing your bong is always a good idea. Don’t let anyone tell you different. = +2pts
  • Apparently the best way to defeat government grade hallucinogenic is to smoke copious amounts of marijuana. = +4.20pts
  • Thor’s motorbike jump: The best jump since Homer Simpson jumped the Springfield Gorge...and almost as funny. =  +10pts
  • Man…um, er…virgins sure can take a beating. = +4pts (You go girl!)
  • “Yeah…I had to dismember that guy with a trowel… What’ve you been up to?” = +5pts
  • Sawhead, you distant cousin of Pinhead, you! Stop looking so contemplative…and sexy. = +2pts 
  • “Good work zombie arm!” = +5pts
  • Finally, the Monster Mash video we’ve all be waiting for. = +15pts
  • Murderous unicorns. = +3pts
  • Never turn your back on a virgin with a gun. = +3pts
  • Nihilism is cool. = +3pts
  • Earth five! = +5pts (One point for every ancient evil finger.)
Total Score: +127.20pts
Available On: DVD, Netflix, Amazon, In your steamer trunk--the fanboy one, not the porn one

A movie that probably only translates well to horror fanatics scores (un)surprisingly well when calculated by nanobots who’ve grown fat on scary films. Cabin in the Woods’ puzzle box of twists and turns is clearly the brainchild of two individuals who’ve watched (and read) a ton of horror. If, like us, you are near or at their level, then you’ll likely appreciate the countless references to the genre both subtle (hello, pokey object through the throat) and obvious (we’re looking [askance] at you Sawhead). Even if you don’t catch all the references, the whole “nihilism is cool, fuck you squares/establishment” message is entertaining and oddly earned. Now, if there's a way to get Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins a pilot or something, we’d like to do that.

Oh, and then there is this... = +31pts

Revised Total Score: +158.20

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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