Thursday, July 11, 2013

True Blood Season 6, Episode 4

Just when there was a glimmer of hope that this season of True Blood wasn’t turning in to a complete clusterkitten, HBO overloads the nanobots’ circuitry with the shit circus that was season six, episode four. Per usual, this scorecard contains spoilers!
  • Forcing us to change Ben’s moniker from “handsome ditch fairy” to “handsome ditch vampire fairy.” = -8pts 
  • We always knew that Rutger Hauer smells amazing. = +53pts 
  • It’s official: T-1000 has been relegated to the role of a literal background character. = -4pts 
  • Where did Sam find pants? We’ll accept vampires, shapeshifters, and werewolves, but not the idea of finding an immaculately-pressed pair of pants in the Bon Temps wilderness. = -2pts 
  • Hillbilly Governor screaming in furious pain after punching Eric’s closet door. = +4pts 
  • Next on Fairy Princess Squad: the girls harass a PTSD-suffering short order cook with their mind powers and experience spontaneous puberty. = +8 pts 
  • Christ alive, Jason Stackhouse is ripped as hell. Bill, do you even lift? = +6pts 
  • Even though Jessica’s pathetic attempt to seem cool in front of the Fairy Princess Squad is blown by her self-admittance of being a vampire, the girls still follow her into Bill’s “party van.” = +4pts 
  • Jason has a homoerotic shaving dream involving Ben and then wakes up disappointed at his cock’s treachery. = +6pts 
  • Bill being a snatch-tease to a clearly underage fairy princess. = +5pts 
  • No one will ever murder you as tenderly and romantically as Eric the Vampire. = +7pts 
  • Eric sexily turning Willa into a vampire is cut straight to Nicole’s festering leg wound. = -9pts 
  • Nicole’s reaction to Sam’s horse transformation: “Sheeeeyt!” = +3pts 
  • Rutger Hauer’s wig is out of control! Now we know what Unbreakable’s Mr. Glass would have looked like had he been portrayed by an aging Dutchman rather than Samuel L. Jackson. = -3pts 
  • We’re not sure if Ben is spitting Rutger Hauer’s blood into a bathtub because he doesn’t partake or because Rutger tastes as bad as his wig looks / suit fits (chose your own joke!). = -6pts 
  • After freezing Professor Takahashi in midair and demanding a synthesis of fairy blood, Bill walks out of the room without setting the professor down. = -3 pts (How is he expected to work like that?) 
  • Eric’s brand of revenge-fucking is to die for. = +8pts
  •  Scant seconds after Tara storms off, Pam is shot and apprehended by the anti-fabulousness police. = -10pts 
  • Willa’s pro-vampire argument is invalidated when she attempts to murder her bigoted father after getting a whiff of his wounded hand. = -5pts 
  • Warlo née Ben banishes Rutger Hauer, and thus our one reason to continue watching, to the Jizz Dimension! = - 9pts 
  • Sam and Nicole seek comfort with one another after the recent deaths of their significant others by convalescing in a skeezy hotel room. Sam just can’t get over– grope– seeing Luna die in front of him – kiss– and how he can’t think about anything other than – BOOBS! = +6 pts 
  • Sookie lays her anti-lying rant on thicker than her make-up. = -2pts 
  • Jason’s “best Dirty Harry” is hitting a Mushroomhead shirt-wearing creepwad in the tim-toms with a billy club. = +14pts 
  • Next on Fairy Princess Squad – nevermind, they’re all dead. = -9pts 
  • Sookie reveals her safewords: “Get the fuck off me or die.” = +5pts
Total Score +11 pts
Season Score -1 pt

We are not fooled! Though Warlo has shaved off his beard and adopts a disguise, our eyes do not lie! For it is Ben, the same bloodsucking ditch fairy! What this season lacks in pacing and plot direction it makes up for with Jason Stackhouse’s man-pecks and face-licking. Can they alone save this season from further spiraling down the staircase of mediocrity? We have six more episodes to find out!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

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