Thursday, August 1, 2013

True Blood Season 6, Episodes 6 & 7

The newest episode(s) of True Blood were a romp through tragedy, glory, murder, and Vamp Camp. Ugh, let’s just get this started already. Spoilers!
  • Warlow, like some sort of handsome ditch Ray Stanz, sneaks up from behind and blasts the ghost of Sookie’s dad out of Lafayette. = -7pts (For making us write this sentence after subsequently watching this scene.)
  • Coming to the realization that the opening credits montage is like rubbing a cool, soothing balm over a sunburn moments before having said sunburn stung by scorpions – all of the scorpions. = No points, just an observation.
  • Steve Newland not sticking his icy wiener through the glory hole that Eric the Vampire made in the two-way observation mirror. = +5pts (Out of character though that is.)
  • Lafayette is surprised to hear about vampires walking in daylight, and thus unintentionally revealing that he hasn’t seen Blade. = (-2pts for not seeing the original, -9 pts for not seeing the sequel, and +9pts for not seeing the third.) Total points = -2pts
  • Sookie teleports Warlow to Magical Fairy Happy-Happy Land. = -4pts 
  • We can’t be sure, but it sounds as though Jason Stackhouse just used the word “beheadingism.” = +18pts
  • Watching a naked hooker eat KFC isn’t anything near as sexy as previously imagined, though we think it’s more the hooker’s fault on this one. = -7pts
  • Bill visits Imagination Land once more and proves that he’s a dick in any realm of consciousness. = -3pts
  • The surviving fairy princess has requested Andy to name her after her sisters, thus forming a Megazord of names (one of which is, wink-wink-nod-nod, Charlaine). = +4pts
  • What Lafayette does in a church lady muumuu with a hot glue gun is his own business! = +8pts
  • Out-of-context Terry Bellefleur quote: “There is no, ‘The Fuck.’” = +9pts
  • Of course it’s a good idea to have your haggy best friend ask a vampire to glamour the PTSD out of your potentially suicidal husband, Arlene! You’re so good at being a wife and stuff. = -12pts
  • Warlow may be 5000 years old, but that doesn’t make him any less boring. = -2pts
  • When Nora is infected with… sigh… Hepatitis V, a restrained Eric’s angry grunts sound more like he’s trying out his best Renfield impression. = -4pts (Eric can’t always be a winner.)
  • Three words: jiggling blood ass. = +2pts
  • Just because Martha is a werewolf doesn’t mean that she’ll let her granddaughter eat Funyuns past her bedtime. = +4pts
  • Jason doesn’t punch the man standing next to him after he apologizes for dropping an f-bomb and the man responds with, “By all means, bomb away!” = -3pts
  • At the time of this writing, “Whore for Christ” has yet to be the name of a Christian deathcore band. = +6pts
  • Did the writers get Alcide’s character confused with someone else’s? His douchebaggery level is over 9000! = -5pts
  • The vampire tasked with sexing up Jessica proclaims that he is not a rapist, but does not cast doubts on his being a filthy hippie. = -3pts
  • Upon hearing a rifle shot and finding Terry bleeding out on the concrete, Big John’s immediate reaction is not to run inside and call 911. = -5pts
  • Neither is Arlene’s, but rather she cradles Terry and sings, “Hush, Little Baby” until he drifts off to sweet, sweet oblivion. = -15pts
  • Vampire Bill, filled with the righteous fury of vampires everywhere, tears off Hillbilly Governor’s head with his teeth after making the gubernatorial guards shoot each other. = +50pts
  • …but he doesn’t dropkick the head. = -20pts
  • Despite the horrors of Vamp Camp, the bigots running the place still have the humanity enough to let their undead prisoners enjoy a game of Connect 4. = +4pts
  • Ozzy Osbourne was right: fairies do in fact wear boots. = +3pts
  • Ending the episode (and our sanity) with crotch lights. = -10pts

Total Score = +6 pts
Season Score = +36pts

The sixth scorecard of the sixth episode of the sixth season may have been too much deviltry for the nanobots, for they scored it in the positive! Despite handling the death of a significant character with virtually no respect or grace, this episode redeemed itself by featuring both the death of the annoying antagonist and the soon-to-be-death of doubly-annoying Nora. Who will be the next to go? We hope that it’s triply-annoying Tara!

And then Episode 7 happened:
  • Six seasons and Bill and Eric still haven’t made out yet? = -6pts
  • Caressing, crying, and making out with the severed head of your octogenarian lover and not, you know, screaming. = +5pts (+10pts for intestinal fortitude, -5pts for doing so with such a lame character.)
  • Man, this show’s favorite toilet paper continues to be the Bible. = -3pts (For not even being clever about it anymore.)
  • Sookie lying full-frontal while Warlow contorts his body in any manner of ways to conceal his dong. = -6pts (Ah, remember Oz….)
  • It’s official: Voodoo Queer is the name of the new Scorecard band. = +3pts
  • Scratch that: Stockholder Syndrome is the new name of the new Scorecard band. = +6pts
  •  Welcome back, James the "non-rape-y" vampire, your message of nobly refusing rape as a way to get into a girl’s pants is a powerful lesson for frats across America. = +3pts
  • “I’m so glad I took my beta blockers. Deuces.” is the new Scorecard sign-off. = +3pts
  • There’s been a lot of gay in this show over the last six years. But we can say, unequivocally, that the wigs Eric and the Vampire Mayor of London (circa 1685) wear are, by far, the gayest thing we’ve seen on this show. = +6pts
  • There’s nothing more romantic than dying and dissolving into a muddy pile of blood jelly while your lover/brother cries like a baby. = -4pts
Total score= +5pts
Season Score: +41pts

After an episode featuring a lot of action, Episode 7 slips into a VHVP coma. What can we say other than, we're glad we took our beta blockers. Deuces!

Score Technicians: TJ Geise and Sean McConnell

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