Sharknado

What, you need an explanation for why we’re doing this? Read the title of this post. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, then I’m not sure we’re even speaking the same language. In this Syfy Channel original (or as we call it, “Lifetime for nerds”), Ian Ziering (Steve from 90210) is a California bar owner caught in the wake of a raging tropical sharknado. Can he and his friends make it to safety? Can he reconcile with his estranged wife (played by the zombified remains of Tara Reid) and kids? Can there possibly be any sharks left for the low-budget shark-horror genre to jump? As always, the Scorecard answers all…

• Opening sequence shows an ocean tornado sweeping up sharks into a…wait for it…Sharknado! = +10pts 
• “Want to depict a shady business deal? Get an Asian guy,” says racist movie producers everywhere. = -15pts 
• Japanese businessman’s plan to single-handedly hijack a shark-fishing boat in the middle of a class 5 sharknado seems ill-conceived. = -3pts 
• This is set in California? Everyone knows Oklahoma is the Sharknado capital of the US. = -5pts 
• “Oh hey, it’s that guy; what was he in again?” said everybody at the appearance of everyone. = -7pts 
• When did Steve from 90210 suddenly turn into Dylan from 90210? = +8pts (We’re into it.) 
• Scene of gruesome shark murder inexplicably intercut with shirtless ripped guy catching some rays. = +4pts 
• Scene of gruesome shark murder inexplicably intercut with large breasted woman running on the beach (for gender equality). = +4pts 
• Pie splat sound effect proves surprisingly versatile. = +11pts 
• Tara Reid emerges from the lightless sanctuary of her moss-covered crypt to deliver the first of her seven lines of dialogue in this movie. = +3pts 
• Turns out this whole thing was caused by global warming… and the sequel to An Inconvenient Truth has just written itself. = +7pts 
• Everyone knows sharks are most lethal when they’ve washed onto a boardwalk. = -2pts 
• The only thing that can stop these sharks is a runaway Ferris wheel…but where are we going to find a…LOOKOUT! = +10pts 
• Everyone hates a backseat driver, even if they are trying to save you from killer flying sharks. = -3pts 
• A belligerent teen daughter? A hostile ex-wife? Airborne sharks eating her d-bag boyfriend? The guy working on the next Die Hard sequel’s got nothing now. = -6pts 
• “Looks like it’s that time of month,” quips Tasmanian side-kick Baz as he surveys the bloody waters left in the wake of Tara Reed’s d-bag boyfriend. A little respect, Baz. A man just DIED. = -13pts 
• The gang needs to pick up Steve from 90210 and Tara Reid’s son from the airplane hangar where he was taking flight lessons, but not before saving a busload of school children and their driver who is, without question, a pedophile. = +3pts 
• God rids the world of the pedophile bus driver by flinging every letter in the Hollywood Hills sign directly at him. = +4pts 
• “I see how you look at my dad,” says teen daughter to sexy waitress. “He’s only going to break your heart.” Okay, we’re two-thirds of the way into the movie, and it looks like we’re giving character development a shot now. = -9pts 
• For some unspoken reason, the tornado only picks up sharks. Guess salmon tornadoes will have to wait for another day to have their story told. = -2pts 
• “You’ve just been Sharknadoed!” (Not really, but how awesome would that have been?) = -5pts 
• In this movie, if you aren’t at least at the ‘90s sitcom level of fame you will die a horrible and comical death. = +17pts 
• So, the plan is to disperse the sharknados by throwing bombs into them from a helicopter, because “tornadoes happen when cold and warm air meet” and the heat from the explosion will “balance them out.” Where does one even begin pointing out all the things wrong with this scenario? = -23pts 
• By the way, how is it that everyone knows so much about creating makeshift explosives? Does Homeland Security have a file on these people? = -7pts 
• Hot girl: “Sharks killed my grandparents.” Hot guy: “Now I really hate sharks!” = -14pts 
• Steve from 90210 just sniped a shark from a mile away with a handgun. =+3pts 
• …AND CHAINSAWED ANOTHER ONE IN HALF IN MIDAIR. = +12pts 
• Steve ushers the residents of an old folks home safely indoors. All he needs to do is rescue a basket of kittens from a burning building and he’ll be a shoo-in for hero of the year. = +5pts 
• Sexy waitress sucked out of helicopter, straight into a shark’s mouth. = +15pts 
• Steve shoves his daughter out of the way of an incoming great white and leaps chainsaw-first straight into the mouth. = +20pts 
• Maybe it was all a dream and Steve was asleep in the Peach Pit the whole time. = -2pts 
• Nope, not a dream. He’s definitely slow-motion chainsawing his way out of a shark right now. = +30pts 
• …AND PULLING THE SEXY WAITRESS OUT OF THE BLOODY GASH RIGHT BEHIND HIM. = +20pts 
• Movie ends with Steve reconciling with estranged wife Tara Reid. Wouldn’t getting eaten by a shark have been a kinder fate? = -11pts

Total Score = +59pts
Available on: Constant re-runs on the Syfy Channel, that bizarre dream you had after eating Mexican too late at night

Not gonna lie, folks. This was rough-going for a while. After the initial wave of giddiness wears off, you’re left with the unenviable task of watching a bunch of semi-famous people trying to make the best of one hastily conceived, poorly CGIed set-piece after another. Fortunately, the last ten minutes show up in a big, BIG way. Sharknado ends up being a pretty fun little romp, especially if you’ve got your Scorecard in hand.

Score Technicians: Amanda Hemmerling, Joe Hemmerling