True Blood is back! Only three episodes in and clearly what you need is 50-minutes of pure and unfiltered exposition. And, as regular readers are well aware, the nanobots love exposition.
- Eric the Vampire, mastering non-con intercourse since 1000AD. = -10pts
- Watching Sookie “play with her light” for two episodes sounds funner than it is. = -5pts
- Nicole’s obvious eyeroll at the sound of her douchy boyfriend declaring to a pack of werewolves the fact that he is her “boyfriend.” = +3pts
- Bill sees all his friends burn in the sun during a vision of the future and decides ”fuck it” and goes for a morning stroll. = -2pts
- Bill bursting into flames. = +5pts
- Bill not dying. = -10pts
- Tender Sookie and Jason conversation about how racist their parents were or weren’t. = -5pts (Apparently, they were pretty racist.)
- Isn’t there an old saying that goes: “The more you have to shout and declare yourself the Pack Master to a bunch of werewolves, the less it’s likely you are the Pack Master of a bunch of werewolves.” = No score. Just an old saying.
- Fairy Tweens are comedy gold. = +11pts
- Eric the Vampire sexily sucking an index finger. = +1pt
- Can somebody find Rutger Hauer a suit that fits him? = -3pts (We reserve the right to flip this score to a plus if he's wearing a fat suit.
- Three episodes in and we’re already having a five minute conversation between two terrible characters summarizing what amounts to (maybe) 20-minutes of plot over the previous two episodes. Hey, HBO, isn’t that what the “previously on True Blood” portion of the show is for? It’s as if the writers are literally writing out their bewilderment at what they’ve created and are subconsciously verbalizing it through dialog. = -8pts
- At this point Warlo could show up and whip his dick out and we could care less. = -8pts (This is saying something as dick is apparently at a premium on this show.)
- “Hey, little girl! It’s me, Sam! Your buck naked hero! I’m here to rescue you! Just follow my bouncing dong into the woods! I swear this isn’t creepy at all!” = -2pts
- Ben the Handsome Ditch Fairy is done with stupid questions, but not being stupid. = -4pts
Season Score: -12pts
One of the worst episodes in the history of the show single-handedly erases the (admittedly) low positive score and drags the show into the negatives. Is this a trend? Can computers cry? Stay (marginally) tuned!
Score Technician: Sean McConnell