True Blood used to be known for its sex, campiness, and quirky plot twists. Over that last few seasons, the show has seen those elements slowly fade into the background as it made room for more and more exposition, a tactic we imagine was the result of an insecure desire to bring new viewers up to speed on everything that’s happened on the show since 2008. But is anybody really saying to themselves, “You know what? I think Season 6 is the season to dive into.” We don’t think so. So, how would an episode featuring little or no exposition score? Let’s ask the machines.
- Making out with your “Dad” after killing the Fairy equivalent of the Bling Ring. = +8pts (For doing what Sophia Coppola couldn’t do, which is make anything happen/worth watching.)
- BOW BEFORE WARLOW!! LILITH SLAYER! THE MOST DANGEROUS VAMPIRE ALIVE!!—Wait, what was that? Sorry—What we meant to say was: BOW BEFORE WARLOW, BILL’S BITCH. = -5pts
- Filming hours of simulated vamp fucking for the purposes of one shot of super-fast vamp fucking that only lasts for half a second. = +5pts
- “Hillbilly Governor” will hereby be referred to as “Ripped Hillbilly Governor of Frosted Chest” since it’s much easier to say. = +3pts
- Filming your fairy flashback on the set of an old Jean M. Auel book cover. = -2pts
- Vampire Bill getting some stink on his johnson by flashbacking as Lilith and banging Ben the Handsome Ditch Vampire Fairy. = +10pts (What? Ditch fairies are really stinky.)
- Jason Stackhouse saying he isn’t the same “dumb kid” without providing evidence. = -2pts
- Dumping random dirty vamp blood into the mouth of your dying daughter is your first option and not a hospital? = +5pts (This time only.)
- Alcide? You’re still here? = -2pts
- Asking a whore at a bar if she’s seen someone suspicious rather than, you know, the bartender. = -2pts
- We’re pretty sure the T-1000 was just fired by an actor, on camera, as opposed to a producer, for being worthless. = +5pts (For being smart.)
- “My body is a temple and you have defiled it with your vampire loving pecker.” = +15pts (Because we couldn’t think of a better way to describe six seasons of watching this show.)
- Eric the Vampire vs. Dirty Vamp Babysitter. This could take—oh yeah. = +5pts
- There’s nothing sadder than the sight of a T-1000 coping with its obsoleteness than watching it fill up a motel bucket with ice. = -1pt
- It’s official: Ghosts are real. And they are apparently the entire staff of Merlott’s. = -2pts
- Finding out from your fabulous gay medium best friend that your racist parents tried to kill you. = -4pts
- Giving them a freebie and letting them try again while doing squat about it. = -5pts
Total Score = +31pts
Season Score = +30pts
It’s amazing what can happen when you don’t spend an entire show telling your viewers what just happened in the previous scene. This frees up a lot of time to play up the boobs, homoeroticism, and bananas plot elements that are the shows strengths. While, it’s a shame that it five episodes for the show to set the table, all that’s left now is to determine if the meal is any good. See you next week.
Score Technician: Sean McConnell
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