The Care Bears Movie

Here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard, we pride ourselves on our ability to find the best and worst of modern film. But we can’t ignore what brought us here in the first place, the movies that shaped us as children. Today, we take a look at The Care Bears Movie, a 1985 film featuring those lovable, huggable characters who taught us how to feel. But re-watching the movie as adults, will we care about the Care Bears?

• The movie begins with orphans praying. Oh, we know where this is going. = -2pts 
•  Let’s not hire actual children to play the orphans. Instead, let’s hire adults to speak in their most annoyingly childish voices. = -6pts 
• The Care Bears live in a happy-looking cloud land called Care-a-Lot. So, Heaven, I guess? = -12pts (For idolatry. One for each apostle.) 
•  Carole King sings the title song, and Mickey Rooney plays the storyteller. This thing just got real. = +10pts 
•  “Care-a-Lot is a playground you can find for sliding and swinging.” We have misjudged this movie completely. There are bears gallivanting among rainbows. This film is clearly ahead of its time when it comes to gay acceptance. = +10pts 
•  “Secret Bear says not to worry. No one can keep a secret like Secret Bear.” Now take this candy and come with us to our rainbow cloud land… little boy. = -7pts 
•  The baby Care Bears are named Hugs and Tugs. Wasn’t that the theme of last year’s pride parade? = +3pts 
• Apparently, the bears are voiced by the same adults who play the orphans. = -5pts
•  Sometimes the singing bears move their mouths, and sometimes they don’t. Not exactly a masterpiece of animation, this film. = -9pts 
•  “Take a chance on lovin’ again. And follow me and let me take you where, when you think nobody cares, nobody cares like a bear.” We’re willing to give the Care Bears the benefit of the doubt and overlook the slightly pedophiliac undertones. For letting kids know it’s okay to be gay, = +8pts 
• Creepy spirit with a face coming out of a book. = -2pts 
•  “It’s true that I’m not big. But it’s amazing what you can do if you really put your heart into it.” Nice thought, Lotsa Heart Elephant, but size matters. = -3pts 
•  The Forest of Feelings has cliffs made of cupcakes, subtly telling children they should, in fact, eat their feelings. = -10pts 
•  Tenderheart Bear’s speaking voice sounds like Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls doing a stuffed bear voice. Yet his singing voice sounds like the lead singer of the Lovin’ Spoonful. = -5pts 
•  The final image is the Care Bears and the Care Bear Cousins standing still and waving. Now we know where the Jewelry Exchange got its commercial idea. =+7pts (For an idea with some real staying power.)

Total score = -29pts

Available on: Netflix streaming

The Care Bears Movie is one of those that you won’t mind watching once with your kids because it’s funny in ways they won’t be able to appreciate for many years. It has some decent drinking game potential too, which is good, because honestly, you’re probably gonna need a little something to get through it. It’s a movie without the slightest trace of cynicism, one that aims to teach kids to be kind, respectful, and helpful at all times. Is that really what you want your children watching? We didn’t think so.

Score Technician: Erika Grotto

Max Payne 3

After being promised that Max Payne would return at the end of Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne, we have been champing at the bit for another go as the slow-motion diving, pain killer popping, grizzled ex-DEA agent turned vigilante. When we last left Max 8 ½ years ago, he was mourning the death of his beloved Mona Sax, while still nursing the unhealed wounds caused by the death of his wife and child in the first game. What else is there left for Max Payne to lose? (As it turns out, not very much of personal value…mostly just New Jersey, but we view that as a plus.)

• The load screen at the beginning of this game is so long that we were able to marinate 2 steaks, drink a beer, and steam broccoli and there was still 50% left to go. = -15pts 
• For making an opening cut-scene (and every cut-scene, for that matter) that is reminiscent of a Tony Scott movie and thus eliciting that unwanted Domino flashback. = -5pts 
• It’s disappointing that the game is not set in New York City, but Rockstar almost makes up for it, having improved and expanded upon the gunplay/gameplay and bullet-time effects. = +11pts 
• The opening chapter is set at an elite party in Sao Paulo, full of booze, drugs, and last shots at redemption. = +3pts 
• The swank lifestyles of the elite Branco family are quickly destroyed by Comando Sombra (CS) gang members, who shoot their way into the party and kidnap two members of the family in a grand display of why North America is better than South America. = +5pts (Mexico doesn’t count.) 
• It only took 5 minutes of gameplay before Max Payne was called upon to find and protect Fabiana Branco. If there’s one thing Max Payne likes more than popping pain killers by the bottle, it’s protecting women. = +10pts 
• After a hard day’s work, most men hit the bar for Miller Time (or maybe even some good beer.) Max Payne holes himself up in his apartment, popping pills and chugging whiskey until he pukes. = +4pts 
• Nothing helps you recover from almost being kidnapped like getting wasted at the club. = -8pts. 
• For having Giovanna and Fabiana officially getting kidnapped at the club. = +10pts 
• Max Payne is hanging from a helicopter, shooting in slow-motion at RPGs that are being launched at him. This game has officially gone Die Hard 4. = +3pts 
• The physics, blood, wounds, and environmental damage effects are so realistic that we feel the need to go to confession for the first time in 7 years. = +5pts 
• Max is looking for Giovanna, trying to keep a low profile to avoid attracting members of the CS to his location. That is until he bursts through a door shouting, “Giovanna!!!” = -10pts 
• Whenever you kill the final enemy in a given area, a slow-motion killcam highlights their death. Being able to fire extra shots into your enemy at this point is as satisfying as making late-hits in NFL Blitz 2000. = +3pts 
• Voice actor James McCaffrey is slowly losing his control over the voice of Max Payne. It’s starting to sound more like Max Payne doing a poorly acted impression of Batman. = -6pts 
• As we are introduced to Max’s backstory and how he ended up in Brazil, we are overjoyed when a flashback level puts us back in New York City, complete with torrential snowfall. = +15pts (for taking us back to the good ol’ days.) 
• Apparently, we were too quickly overjoyed and didn’t realize that we were actually in fucking Newark, New Jersey! = -20pts 
• Shooting the son of a New Jersey mob boss (complete with Pauly D. blowout) wouldn’t be as satisfying if Jersey Shore never existed. = +13pts 
• For including a crazy neighbor of Max’s (who literally had newspaper clippings of Max’s story hung up in his apartment) that comes to the rescue with a well-timed shotgun blast. = +15pts 
• How many people are on the DeMarco payroll? They keep coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches. Oh wait, we keep forgetting we’re in Jersey. = -2pts 
• For adding a surprisingly well done cartoon version of Captain Baseball Bat Boy on a random TV, found whilst taking a break from shooting-up bad guys. = +11pts 
• For making the cover system so well done that we forget bullet-time even exists +20pts 
• For making the running feature so shitty that all we do is zig-zag. = -7pts 
• In Max’s search for Fabiana, we find ourselves in an intense boat chase, shooting at the CS left and right as their boats swarm ours. Finally, our sights are set on the boat carrying Fabiana, but danger lurks ahead in the form of a wooden obstruction blocking our path. Passos floors it, ramping off of the structure-- our boat is flying across the sky as we enter bullet-time to pick off the CS gang leaders that are holding Fabiana hostage. We focus intensely upon them, pull the trigger, and immediately shoot Fabiana in the head, thus sending us back to restart the checkpoint. = -5pts ( for the unreliable auto-aim feature) 
• For including this (paraphrased) line of dialogue:
  Boss: “You fucking idiots! How could you let them get away with Fabiana?!”
  Max and Passos: “Uh, we sure are sorry, Mr. Branco. We’re just trying our best.”
  Boss: “I know. I just don’t know what to do.” = -25pts 
• Max becomes so distraught by Rodrigo Branco’s death, Fabiana’s and Giovanna’s kidnapping, and the wake of death he is leaving behind in his search for them, that he pulls a G.I. Jane and shaves his head, swearing off booze and vowing to press on sober. So, you know, pretty much the opposite of Miley Cyrus. = +8pts 
• Let’s be clear about something: Max Payne does not wear a fucking floral pattern shirt! = -30pts. 
• Max immediately refers to his shirt as “ridiculous”. Sorry for doubting you, Rockstar. = +30pts. 
• We’ve officially experienced our first glitch of the game, causing Max to fall off the building into what appears to be a Michel Gondry film. = -1pt 
• OK, here we go again. We are thrown into bullet-time (per usual) as an RPG is shot at Max. We dive backward and lock onto our target. The trigger is pulled, and the auto-aim feature once again fails us as we blowup into a million pieces. = -3pts 
• “Sniper in the graveyard” was always our favorite childhood summer game. = +5pts 
• Max finally finds Marcelo, Giovanna, and Fabiana surrounded by gunmen. He doesn’t want to do anything stupid and alarming, like running into the room, screaming and waving his gun in the air. Jesus Christ, why did he just run into the room, screaming and waving his gun in the air? Now Fabiana is dead. = -10pts 
• These rent-a-cops in Brazil are like mall security on PCP = +2pts 
• During a flashback to Max’s first job for the Brancos in Panama, he finds a newspaper reporting on the events that occurred in New Jersey with the DeMarco family. The headline reads: “Looney Goons.” Never have we wanted an M rated Looney Tunes game until now. = +5pts 
• We encounter the longest shoot-out of the game so far. Max is running up a flight of stairs; the pirates that hijacked the ship clearly have the advantage. Finally, we shoot our way out after dying 10 times. It’s too bad we didn’t have backup….wait….Marcello and Passors were by the ship the whole fucking time!? = -15pts 
• For the scene where Max jumps onto an enemy that is fleeing via zip-line and uses him as a human shield. = +30pts 
• Max fastens a water bottle to his gun with duct tape to create a MacGyver-level silencer. = +50pts 
• Oh, hey! A really important document is just sitting unattended in a deserted room full of junk. = -6pts
• Hearing, “I had no choice but to press on,” is another one of those Max Payne phrases that makes us long for the old days. = +12pts 
• Max discovers that the Unidade de Forcas Especiais and the Cracha Preto vigilante group are working together in a massive organ harvesting ring. It’s a good thing this game isn’t set in the UK; the tissue receivers wouldn’t want to be hit with an unwitting horse organ scandal. = +7pts 
• For having Max plant C4 throughout the building, threating to end the lives of the Cracha Preto by killing everyone within proximity, including himself. = +16pts (For sheer bravery and big nuttery.) 
• We’re pretty sure Max has done more damage to his liver from pain killers than getting shot repeatedly has to the rest of his body combined. +8pts 
• We finally get to use an RPG…in the 2nd to last chapter = -18pts 
• “I killed more cops than cholesterol.” = +35pts 
• Once again, very important information is lying aimlessly in the middle of nowhere -8pts. 
• We understand that this is just a videogame, but not only did we just shoot a guy twice in the chest, he was also shot in the neck, and twice in the head. WHY IS HE NOT DEAD?! = -5pts 
• For including a scene where Max bullet-time jumps onto a rolling cart and rides it to the end of the room, shooting enemies along the way. We seriously thought Max was just flying the first time we played this scene. = +4pts 
• We don’t mind botched graphics when they work to our advantage, especially when it means that Max sticks his arms through his chest and shoots an enemy through his back. +16pts. 
• As we approach the final showdown, we are swarmed with more enemies than the bullet-time feature can handle, but the silver lining is that when we are able to finally power through, we are treated with a high-speed chase after Victor Branco’s plane. After Max blows up the plane with a grenade launcher, Victor Branco lays on the ground at his feet, vowing to walk away a free man in court. Max Payne, not being one to deal with jokesters, immediately snaps Victor’s leg in two, telling him, “If you’re going to walk, then walk with a limp,” thereby fully delivering a maximum amount of pain. = +25pts 

Total Score = +190pts
Available on: Gamefly, Mark Wahlberg's porn room

Even though Sam Lake was absent as the writer of this installment in the Max Payne franchise (he was merely a consultant), it’s still a solid game, with a storyline that keeps you engaged and entertained. Kudos to Rockstar for adding an impeccable cover system, as well improving the gunplay and weapon selection menu—keep an eye out for similar features in the upcoming release of Grand Theft Auto 5. Although we were longing for the snowy, windswept desolation of New York City, Sao Paulo, Brazil turned out to be an enjoyable vacation spot to wreak havoc upon the locals. Hopefully, this is not the last we will see of Max Payne.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The soundtrack was pretty baller, too.]

Score Technician: Ryan VenHuizen

Bioshock Infinite

BioShock Infinite is the follow up to BioShock, one of the most critically acclaimed games of this generation, and BioShock 2, which let you grind bad guys up with a big drill arm. Infinite follows the story of a former Pinkerton turned private detective named Booker DeWitt as he raids and pillages his way to find and return a girl, Elizabeth, so that he can wipe away his debt. This Scorecard goes light with the spoilers, but some plot points are revealed. You have been alerted, so read at your own risk!

• Setting the game’s tone by featuring a tortured and bloody dead guy with a bag over his head within the first five minutes. = +5pts 
• Begining an adventure by riding a rocket chair into the glorious sky-city of Columbia. = +7pts 
• Booker’s jaunt through the watery church that is Columbia’s welcoming center that ends with him being baptized nearly to death by the creepiest preacher since Reverend Kane from Poltergeist II. = -4pts
• The celestial hillbillies that dwell in Columbia see fit to worship America’s founding fathers, with saintly statues of George Washington, Ben Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson scattered throughout the city. = +6pts (Up yours, Alexander Hamilton!) 
• The gorgeous land of wonderment that is Columbia! A place rife with hummingbirds, Kinetoscopes, and old-timey racism! = +5 points for the wonderment, -15 pts for the racism. Final score = -10pts 
• A barbershop quartet appears on a sky barge and belts out “God Only Knows.” = +8 pts (For being infinitely more enjoyable than The Beach Boys.) 
• Minor Victory – the only brand of cigarettes designed especially for kids! = +6 pts in 1912, -`12 pts in 2013. Final score = = -6pts 
• Booker partakes in his first vigor (the BioShock Infinite equivalent to plasmids) and can now shoot little green ghost ladies out of his fingers to possess things like machines and police officers. Other vigors include fiery grenades, electrified crystals, and a murder of crows (that murder!). = +11pts 
• When the possession wears off on an enemy, he or she commits suicide out of remorse. Watching a police officer blow his own head off or beat himself to death with his own baton isn’t as fun as it sounds. = -9pts 
• Booker recovers the energy he needs to brandish his vigors with a blue substance called salt. It comes in little bottles and is extracted from coffee, cigarettes, and soda. Does he, like, what, rub it on his gums or something? = +6pts 
• The spinning Sky Hook allows Booker to travel across Columbia’s rail system with the speed and grace of a rollercoaster. It also allows him to execute his enemies… in the extremely brutal ways rollercoaster’s do. = +15pts (Except for the first time we watched him kill a guy with it. It… it was horrifying.) 
• The police try to stop Booker (who they believe to be The False Shepherd) from destroying their way of life, so they send a pyromaniac trapped in burning armor to drown him in flames. The streets are ablaze by the time Booker puts enough bullets in the Fireman to trigger his suicide bomb. Was it worth it, coppers? = -3pts 
• The Lutece Twins, charming human equivalents to The Cheshire Cat who only appear to drop some significant and/or confusing plot on the player, give Booker a tonic that surrounds him in a magnetic field to help him not die. Only after Booker drinks it do they make mention that such a thing may kill him. = +12pts (Science!) 
• Zachary Hale Comstock, the prophetic founder of Columbia, seems to feel very strongly about the white man being tasked with taking care of the other races (in every sense of the phrase). = -8pts 
• Just as the Founding Fathers are worshiped as gods, so to is Abraham Lincoln portrayed as the Devil (complete with li’l horns). Why, there’s even a heroic statue of John Wilkes Booth to put even more of a bad taste in your mouth. = -13pts 
• A Chinaman is torn apart by crows for shits and giggles at the behest of a hooded man with a coffin on his back. = -9pts (Yes, we know that Chinaman isn’t the preferred nomenclature, dude.) 
• Comstock’s military believe Booker to be either a mulatto dwarf or a 4’9” Frenchman missing his left eye. The jokes write themselves! = +11pts 
• The randomized items that Booker finds throughout Columbia tell of its citizens’ mental states. Police men carrying around pineapples? Cash and ammo in a trash can? A box of chocolates with a sandwich inside? Xenophobia does strange things to people. = -2pts 
• On the subject of cash, Booker is only seen picking up coins. Does this mean that he’s dragging around sacks of money with him wherever he goes? Purchases from the friendly vending automatons are instantaneous, but how long does Booker have to pump coins into its slot like a grandma at a riverboat casino slot machine in order to get some shotgun shells and something cool to drink? = -5pts 
• On the subject of finding items in trash cans, Booker isn’t above rummaging through refuse to find discarded cigarettes to smoke or bananas to eat. = +3pts (for the positive portrayal of the Freegan lifestyle.) 
• Comstock has little difficulty justifying his desire to stop Booker from rescuing Elizabeth. “The Lord forgives everything, but I’m just a prophet. I don’t have to.” = +4pts 
• In the tower where Elizabeth is held prisoner, Booker finds bottles labeled: “Blood,” “Nails,” and “Hair.” That’s for science, right? Science? = -6pts 
• Elizabeth is congenial, attractive, and adorable. She’s like a Disney princess who can tear open the fabric of time and space. = +12pts 
• Booker sort of saves Elizabeth from the tower, but really they are both just hurdled from it and land in the water of Columbia’s makeshift beach for rich white folks. = +7pts 
• When Booker catches up with Elizabeth at the bay, she’s dancing like she’s never danced before. = +9pts (For genuinely warming the cockles of our black hearts with her uncorrupted exuberance.) 
• Elizabeth’s uncorrupted exuberance is broken when she reacts, as most people would, to Booker violently gunning down her would-be kidnappers. Within moments, she’s coped with the bloodshed and starts tossing Booker ammo and summoning turrets from alternative timelines. = +6pts 
• Five cents for a triple scoop of ice cream? Sky America is best America! = +4pts 
• When Elizabeth sees a stuffed plushie of Songbird, her monstrous captor, she flips her wig. It’s a good thing that there’s a cute little choo-choo train nearby to cheer her up! Why, for a few moments it seems like Booker isn’t going to murder everyone after all! = +7pts 
• No, we were wrong. ♫Murder! All aboard the murder train!♫ = -4pts 
• No matter how many cops, racists, and cultists Booker has to kill to bring Elizabeth back to New York, he still finds time to ride a carousel. = +11pts 
• Oh, no! There’s a bee in the elevator! Whatever will Elizabeth do to get rid of it? Why, open up a tear into another dimension of course! = -3pts 
• The Hall of Heroes might as well have been dubbed the Hall of Hilariously Offensive Racial Caricatures with its exhibits on Wounded Knee and the Boxer Rebellion. = -16pts 
• When Elizabeth finds out that she’s Comstock’s daughter and is prophesized to “drown in flames the mountains of man,” she says that she wants a puppy instead. = +9pts 
• Booker finds himself staring down the barrels of a peppermill machine gun wielded by a robotic George Washington with American flags for wings. The Motorized Patriot can really only be damaged by being shot in the back, just like a true American. = +13pts 
• Should Booker give a broken old war hero an honorable death by shooting him in the head, or should Booker spare his life so that Comstock’s men will imprison and torture him? Do not let your children play this game. = -6pts 
• Booker’s nefarious plans to take Elizabeth to New York instead of her desired locale of Paris are foiled by Elizabeth’s ability to read latitude and longitude. Now there’s a young woman who paid attention during her geography lessons! = +7pts 
• When infamous dissenter Daisy Fitzroy tasks Booker with finding guns for her rebellion, the Vox Populi, she seals the agreement by throwing him out of her already-in-flight airship. = -6pts 
• Stereotypically evil industrialist Jeremiah Fink, who equates paid vacations to anarchy, forces his employees to work in Metropolis¬-inspired rhythm. = +5pts (For style, of course.) 
• As Booker gives chase to Elizabeth, shouting that he just wants to talk, he doesn’t holster his gun. He’s a real smooth cat when it comes to the ladies. = -2pts 
• As Elizabeth flees, she stalls Booker’s advances by opening up tears that have him stumble into a rain of party balloons, a marching band, and finally a speeding freight train. = +9pts (She only tried to kill him a little.) 
• Elizabeth eventually forgives Booker after he sort of apologizes for being a gun-waving dicksneeze. She also saves him from a fatal plunge by cushioning his fall with a tiny blimp that she ripped into existence beneath him. = +4pts 
• A Chinese prisoner calls Booker a gweilo. Racism is a pendulum that swings both ways and cuts just the same. = +2pts (For equality!) 
• Despite the horrendous (and rhythmic) working conditions, Columbia’s poor are begging for, bidding on, and, in some cases, killing for jobs. Meanwhile, Fink has several solid gold statues of himself erected throughout the city. = -14pts 
• Cameo appearance by Gautama Buddha! = +3pts 
• While every other enemy single-mindedly wants to murder Booker and bring Elizabeth back to her tower, the Handyman just wants to be left to wallow alone in freakish misery. “Every step is like burning coal!” he shouts before coughing and clutching his chest. “Go away,” he roars, lashing at Booker with his gigundo hands. “Please, go away!” Booker responds by shooting him in his exposed heart until the Handyman falls over dead and drops a little treasure box. This game is depressing. = -7pts 
• Chen-Lin, the gunsmith who Booker and Elizabeth were searching for, lies brutalized in a pool of his own blood (so much blood). Booker’s reaction: “Now we need someone else to make those guns.” = -9pts 
• Elizabeth opens a tear into a dimension where Chen-Lin didn’t get his insides beaten into outsides. The guards killed by Booker in the other dimension are now alive in this new one… but their memories of being dead have driven them mad. = +6pts (For creeping us out with their twitchiness). 
• Jazz cover of “Tainted Love.” = +10pts 
• Booker takes a break from all the senseless killing to play guitar while Elizabeth sings a few bars of “Will the Circle Be Unbroken.” = +8pts 
• Never too busy to contrast Booker’s asshole of a heart with her own bleeding one, Elizabeth pulls food in from another dimension to feed a pack of wild hobos. = +4pts 
• Elizabeth opens up yet another tear, this time to a reality where the Vox Populi has the firepower to stick it to The Man. In addition to guns, they have devil costumes and mechanical Abe Lincolns. So, wait, who’re the bad guys now? = +7pts 
• In this reality, Daisy wants to kill Booker because (spoiler redacted). Man, that’s pretty messed up! = +20pts 
• It’s revealed that by peering through a dimensional tear, Fink learned how to create Songbird for Comstock. While we’d like to think that there’s a universe where the skies blacken from winged destroyers flocking together to unleash unholy agony on their enemies, Fink probably got the idea from watching The Herculoids on a TV in another time and space. = +8pts 
• When Elizabeth finally gets blood on her own hands instead of steadily supplying Booker with a means to destroy on her behalf, she changes. Literally, she puts on a different outfit and cuts her hair. Symbolism! = +4pts 
• After Songbird knocks Booker and Elizabeth’s airship out of the sky, the two awake to find the Luteces jamming on a piano. When they suddenly disappear, Booker reacts with his usual sarcasm; Elizabeth, however, maintains a slackjawed look of abject confusion for the next several minutes. = + 11pts 
• Hell, let’s just give the game infinite points for the Luteces. = ∞pts 
• As a ragtime version of “Shining Happy People” plays, Booker finds a pair of potatoes in the toilet of the ladies’ room. Yes, he eats them. = -18pts 
• As Booker shoots and loots his way through Columbia’s market district, he and Elizabeth come across the Comstock House for the final showdown. The door’s security system thinks that Elizabeth is her mother, Lady Comstock, but comments on how it’s unusual considering how the lady has been dead for over a year. = +6pts 
• Scary robot birds aren’t the only thing that Fink has stolen from alternative realities. He’s been making a profit off of music from the future that pipes out of tears. = +8pts (For exhibiting a capitalistic nefariousness that rivals C. Montgomery Burns.) 
• When Elizabeth plots to cut off the hand from her mother’s corpse to bypass Comstock House’s security, stone-cold killer Booker thinks that she’s going too far. When a former Pinkerton and veteran of old-timey wars thinks that your plan is too grisly, your plan is too grisly. = -9pts 
• Comstock manipulates Elizabeth’s quantum witchcraft to summon the ghost of her dead mother. The wraith of Lady Comstock raises the dead and sends a zombie army after Booker while a spine-chillingly distorted rendition of “Lacrimosa” plays. Booker’s reaction: “Elizabeth… why is your mother a ghost?” = +22pts 
• As the heroes find ways to stop Ghost Mom, they come across some crazy plot revelations. For example, (spoiler redacted) is really (spoiler redacted) and (spoiler redacted). Who would have seen any of this coming?! = +14pts 
• When Lady Comstock is sent back to the netherworld, or something, Comstock House is finally revealed. Is it possible to look past the fact that Comstock lives in a mansion sitting atop the grim heads of the founding fathers and surrounded by perpetual thunderstorms to see who he really is, deep inside? The fact that Songbird appears and immediately tries to kill Booker says no. = -6pts 
• When Elizabeth tries to stop Songbird from slashing Booker into hard salami, the mechanical bird-giant just sort of nudges her out of the way. = +3pts 
• Shit just got real. Elizabeth is screaming, there are twitchy guys in founding father masks, and there’s a guy with bullhorns for ears dressed like The Little Lad Who Loves Berries and Cream. = -3pts 
• Sweet crap – a wheelchair just slowly crept across the room with nothing but Ben Franklin’s head in it. We’re starting to get real wistful for the rollercoaster shootouts in fluffy cloud land right about now. = -5pts 
• Booker snuck his way past the twitchy guys and the Boys of Silence to open the security gate needed to save Elizabeth once again. Okay, Booker’s just going to turn around really slowly now. That’s it, he’s just going to run off and save Elizabeth without thinking that there’s anyone standing directly behind him. Yep, that’s exactly OH MY GOD IT’S RIGHT BEHIND HIM SHOOT ALL OF THE GUNS. = -8pts (For making us jump and spill our Mr. Pibb on the carpet.) 
• Now it is 1984. Knock knock at your front door. It’s Columbia’s Airship Police! They’re setting fire to your uncool niece! = +9pts 
• Elizabeth kills a bunch of scientists by letting a tornado whip its way through a tear. As awesome as it was to watch, it begs the question: Why didn’t she ever do anything that awesome before, like perhaps summon some jetpacks from the future so that she and Booker could just fly away to France or New York or anywhere but crazy racist sky Waco? = -4pts 
• For being the only game in existence that prompts the player to press X to tie a corset. = +10pts 
• When Elizabeth and Booker finally come face to face with Comstock, Booker gets a little overzealous with his intervention between father and daughter. Did we mention that this game is extremely, extremely violent? = +9pts 
• Would you kindly like us to continue with the Scorecard? Too bad. = +100pts (For having one of the most magnificently satisfying yet heartbreaking endings a game could have).

Final Score = +244 +∞pts
Available: Redbox, Amazon.com, and an alternative universe Funcoland

BioShock Infinite is by far one of the most spectacular video games available in this and any other plane of reality. It’s sickeningly violent, darkly funny, and gorgeously stylish. Every scene is a delight for the senses (except for smell and taste, you have to fill in the blanks there) with characters that have you falling head over heels in love (or in hate). It tells a story that lives up to its predecessors and makes most modern game plots seem like creative writing fails from a middle-school English class. If you have two hands and a console/PC that will run the game, stop what you’re doing and buy it. If you don’t have any of the above, then find someone who does and watch them play it. Be sure to keep the Scorecard handy! Get it? Handy? Like the Handyman? STOP TORMENTING ME I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

Score Technician: T.J. Geise

Heavy Rain

So, apparently, there’s this game out there that is more like playing a movie than a game. What better way is there to kick-off The Progressive Cinema Scorecard’s game week than with a game some people have said is like Seven, only you get to accidentally kill all the innocents and not Brad Pitt. The only thing you could’ve said that would have made us want to play this game more would be if you said it came covered in Nutella. So join us as we dive into Quantic Dream's Heavy Rain.

• Waking up in a sunny home full of Ikea furniture. = +3pts
• Struggling with basic human functions like: going to the bathroom, brushing teeth, and walking from room to room. = -5pts
• Ignoring your wife’s requests to help set up for your son’s birthday party because you keep repeatedly walking into the office, sitting in a chair, turning the radio on and off, and generally being unable to make out the difference between a “cabinet” and a “bookshelf.” = -4pts (Thanks for nothing, Ikea!)
• Playing with your two sons and only dropping them twice. = +2pts
• Taking almost an hour to figure out how to set out plates for your son’s B-Day party. = -8pts (Get off our back already!)
• The harrowing mall scene in which you lose track of your son and interact with what you’re (still) convinced is a homicidal clown. = +13pts (Man, as a father, we suck. Hopefully we’ll be able to turn this thing around…)
• Inability to find money in our pockets to pay said clown, despite very clear screen prompts on how to do so. = -3pts
• Failure to save your son from being hit by a car before you can tell him sorry for fucking up his birthday party. = -6pts
• Stylish opening credits: Cinematic Seven-ish intro OR Advertisement for Sally Struthers’ charity for the disenfranchised? No points. Just a general survey.
• Transition to unkempt facial hair and dingy apartment. = +7pts (We’re guessing our inability to properly parent our child—thus resulting in his death—was the last straw for our marriage. Thanks to liberal lawyers we still have visitation.)
• Being provided a helpful schedule for what your remaining son should do for the evening when he returns home from school. (Clearly written by your depressed ex-wife. Where’s the trust?) = +4pts
• Completely failing at accomplishing a single milestone on that list, thus cementing status as “Worst. Parent. Ever.” 
• “What’s that, son? You want to watch TV rather than do your homework? Sure! I did pretty much kill your brother and all.” = -2pts
• “I’ll be happy to help you with your homework. Just as soon as I walk into the storage room and shoot some basketball. Wait, you’re done?! “ = -2pts
• “Who says eating at 10PM on a school night is bad for kids? As soon as I find you some food, I’ll make it for you. Maybe it’s in the storage room….” = -2pts
• 10-minutes later: “Look I couldn’t find you any food in the storage room OR make a single basket, so you just keep sitting at that table like a hungry animal till I figure this out.” = -2pts
• Being given the option of feeding your son a frozen pizza or healthy looking food options. = +4pts (Talk about verisimilitude!)
• Choosing pizza because you feel guilty and want your son to like you. = -4pts
• It’s hard to describe what happens over the next hour and a half, so we’ll just provide you with the highlights. (03:23: “You like pizza, right?” 05:03: “It’s amazing the malleability and shape of this frozen pizza looks a lot like the plates your mother busted my balls to put out for your dead brother’s birthday party. Love me, or I might break it over your head. Hahaha! Just kidding! (The controls won’t let me.) Let me just heat this up for you.” 12:13: “Okay, clearly walking around you constantly isn’t going to cook this thing. You know what, maybe there’s an oven or microwave in the storage room? I’ll be right back…” 23:09: “I don’t know why I can’t use the oven in the kitchen. Tell you what, let me check the storage room one more time…” 38:18: “Look just take the pizza from my hand yourself. I’m sure it’s thawed enough to eat…” 45:34: “SERIOUSLY, TAKE THE FUCKING PIZZA! EAT IT! FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST TAKE IT!” 54:22: Fell into the fetal position and wept openly. 1:03:00: “Sorry about that, son. Look, we’re on the same team here. Just tell me where in the storage room the microwave is and we can put this all behind us.”  1:34:05: “Of course I knew the microwave was sitting behind you and that all I had to do was change the camera angle. What kind of dad do you think I am? DON’T ANSWER THAT!”  = -23pts
• The rewarding sensation of tucking your son into bed after a fraught night of bad parenting. = +10pts
• Having him tell you he lost his favorite bear and he wants you to find it for him. = -5pts (“I’m not going to lie, son. This will likely end poorly. But I’ll give it my best shot. I’ll start in the storage room…”)
• Failing to find said bear. = -7pts
• Rekindling that ol’ father son play magic at the park. = +8pts
• Immediately losing your (second) son. This time to a child serial killer. = -15pts. (“Son of a-!”)
• For unintentionally eliciting the feeling of resignation from the sense that we’re all going to die and not meaning it in an existential way. = +5pts
• Introducing you to a new character (PI) whose life you will likely ruin due to your inability to master the controls. = +12pts (For spreading the love.)
• Intense fight with a prostitute’s John, that (much like a real fight) causes you to think for a moment that you might not get out of this alive at all. = +8pts
• Introducing a new character whose gadgets allow you to feel like Dr. Manhattan solving crimes from Mars. = +3pts
• Once again, barely surviving a physical confrontation with a lowly hoodlum. We sure hope the Origami killer is a pussy. = +2pts
• Gratuitous boobage. = 0pts (If we still weren’t traumatized after turning our son over to a serial killer, we would likely have awarded this a positive score.)
• For introducing a new female character and then immediately placing us in a situation in which we feel like our inability to grasp the controls will result in her getting sexually assaulted. = -15pts
• It was only a dream! = +5pts (However, us wetting our pants was very real.)
• This crawl through a tunnel of broken glass is a boring and painful to play as it must be to do in real life. = -6pts
• Cutting your finger off to save your son. Also called: The easiest thing we’ve done all day. = +3pts
• Contrived multiple personality plot point. Courtesy of left-field. = -13pts
• Hanging around and talking to the crazy bartender from the Shining. = +2pts (He’s a good guy once you get to know him.)
• Old man being (miraculously) murdered in a room that you spent several minutes going through with a fine tooth comb before talking to him. What is this, Clue?  = -6pts
• Not shooting the skeezy drug dealer with kids and somehow feeling bad about it. = -2pts
• Earning a PS3 trophy entitled “Queen of Ropes” after barely surviving…um, rape surgery. = -10pts 
• Not being able to tell the difference between raw eggs and cooked eggs yet still deciding to serve them to another person. = +7pts (Never has a game so simulated our real lives.)
• So let us get this straight: We can kill the FBI guy, Electrocute the dad, get molested/murdered by a creepy landlord, but we CAN’T throw a kid off a building in a flashback that is clearly the origin of the mysterious serial killer? Why even bother playing it. You could have just told us that story in 3 sentences. = -3pts
• “Still haven’t gotten over my encounter with Dr. Baker.” Oh, you mean the creepy landlord who was conducting human experiments in the basement and who also tried to rape you? Hmm, you really sold us on the depth of your trauma by reciting that line with the same passion as someone wondering where they put their keys. = -4pts.
• Image of woman in club dancing half on the dance floor and half inside what appears to be a solid cube. = +3pts (For avant guard use of collision detection.)
• It’s hard to describe what happens next, but here’s what we were able to work out with our therapist: “So I’m controlling a woman at a club. Awesome! Let’s dance! Wow, this club is as hard to walk around in as a real club! There’s the guy I need to speak to. But he’ll only talk to me if I get his attention? Looks I’m going to having slut it up a bit. Let me get up on this stage…and proceed to repeatedly break my ankles, once again demonstrating my inability to master the controls.” 10 minutes later. “A-ha! I did it! Look at me! I can dance! What? That wasn’t good enough for you?! I guess I’ll have to really slut it up. Time to go to the bathroom and change. Let’s see: lipstick, eye shadow, unbutton a button, and then tear my skirt so it’s really short—what, no tramp stamp option? That’s the ticket! Now you’ll love me, Dad—I mean, club guy! Let’s really dance! I feel so free and uninhibited! Dammit, my ankles are fucked.” 20 minutes later. “I’m dancing! I’m so sexy! Who wants to sleep with me now! I do! God, do I want to sleep with myself! Now he’s paying attention! I’m so sexy! As soon as we get to his office, I’ll do the ‘ol grab him by the balls bit—wait, what? You want me to dance some more? Ugh, I’m not sure you were watching that closely, but I totally can’t do that in heels. Wow, pulling a gun on me and ordering me to strip. Yikes! How come your “Mexican” name (Paco) and “accent” are faker than my digital boobs? What is it with guys in this town trying to sexually assault women all the time? I have to make a choice between taking off my top or skirt? Wow, I am I feeling totally objectified. While I no longer feel sexy, I really want to see my videogame boobs again. What are these feelings I’m feeling? Being a woman is terrifying! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!”  = 0pts (Any sequence that makes you want to fuck yourself, while at the same time feel sympathy for an entire gender and reviling the salacious game developers for inducing a psychiatric break in reality, is a wash.)
• So my son is at risk of drowning, but you’re giving me the option to of sleep with myself? Sorry, son. You’ll understand when you get older. You know, assuming you don’t die while I bone this chick (Who is actually us! MIND. BLOWN.). = +18pts
• The French/Japanese developers who made this game clearly feel that sex is much more difficult thing to do than it actually is. = -6pts (We said nothing about doing it well.) 
• Not putting on pants to cover your dirty panties when having a serious heart to heart. = -2pts
•  Accidentally taking the drug you’ve been fighting all game to not take because the game developers trick you into doing it by purposefully making the options illegible. = -5pts
• Choosing to not save a minor character because you think you’re barely going to get out a sequence alive. = -2pts (Sorry, Lauren! If it makes you feel any better we thought we were saving you at first.)
• Charging in like a bad ass Dirty Harry and then promptly running out of said situation because you can’t seem to anticipate which magical button is going to pull the trigger at a given time. = -3pts (Here’s a tip developers: Most people pull a trigger with their index finger. Generally the same index finger.) 
• Helping a suspected child murder escape custody and nobody saying “boo” about it. = +4pts
• For having one of the more ludicrous big bad reveals in pretty much any medium. (That’s a LOT of movies/books you’re competing against.) = -10pts (This would be a higher negative if the reveal didn’t at least address one of the more ludicrous plot holes previously mentioned in this scorecard.)
• Stealing a trick from the worst Indiana Jones. = -2pts
• And there goes another main character! Right off the conveniently placed conveyor belt.  Captain Clumsythumbs claims another victim. = +10pts (We’re giving this a positive score because, full disclosure, said character died at least five times during the junkyard scene, but we were too stubborn to let him go. Consider this karma.) 
• The most pathetic motorcycle FAIL in the history of gaming. You’re welcome world of gaming. = +5pts (These points are for us, really.)
• And down goes another main character! If life/this game has taught us anything it’s LEARN HOW TO MICROWAVE A GODDAMNED PIZZA! = -5pts
• For having as many endings a LOTR, only each one of them being more and more WTF (in a bad way) than the last. = -3pts
• For assembling a concluding narrative that, when taking into account everything that happened and everyone who lived and died, makes no fucking sense whatsoever. = -4pts
• For having the nerve to try to set up a sequel based on that ending. = -8pts
• For one-third of the game being contrived bullshit. = -33pts

Total Score = -92pts

If there was one good thing about this game it was the fact that we sucked at the beginning of it, and pretty much sucked at the end of it. To be fair, Heavy Rain wasn’t uninteresting to play and the developers were clearly attempting to pull off something different. But the aggravating controls seemed to be purposefully opaque in order to ensure that the game lived up to its Seven-esque aspirations. Also, the less said about the “big reveal” the better. Still, we found it strangely compelling to seduce ourselves, while also berating ourselves and our inability to perform basic human tasks like taking off pants and using a microwave. So in that aspect, Heavy Rain succeeds in creating true verisimilitude. Suck it, Skyrim!

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Video Game Week Starts Monday!

It's been a long time in the making, but starting on Monday, July 22, in the year of Our Lord, 2013, The PCS will roll out three new scorecards celebrating oft violent, usually misogynist, but always entertaining world of video games. Try to keep your hands off your joysticks.

True Blood Season 6, Episode 5

True Blood used to be known for its sex, campiness, and quirky plot twists. Over that last few seasons, the show has seen those elements slowly fade into the background as it made room for more and more exposition, a tactic we imagine was the result of an insecure desire to bring new viewers up to speed on everything that’s happened on the show since 2008. But is anybody really saying to themselves, “You know what? I think Season 6 is the season to dive into.” We don’t think so. So, how would an episode featuring little or no exposition score? Let’s ask the machines.

• Making out with your “Dad” after killing the Fairy equivalent of the Bling Ring. = +8pts (For doing what Sophia Coppola couldn’t do, which is make anything happen/worth watching.)
• BOW BEFORE WARLOW!! LILITH SLAYER! THE MOST DANGEROUS VAMPIRE ALIVE!!—Wait, what was that? Sorry—What we meant to say was: BOW BEFORE WARLOW, BILL’S BITCH. = -5pts
• Filming hours of simulated vamp fucking for the purposes of one shot of super-fast vamp fucking that only lasts for half a second. = +5pts
• “Hillbilly Governor” will hereby be referred to as “Ripped Hillbilly Governor of Frosted Chest” since it’s much easier to say. = +3pts
• Filming your fairy flashback on the set of an old Jean M. Auel book cover. = -2pts 
• Vampire Bill getting some stink on his johnson by flashbacking as Lilith and banging Ben the Handsome Ditch Vampire Fairy. = +10pts (What? Ditch fairies are really stinky.)
• Jason Stackhouse saying he isn’t the same “dumb kid” without providing evidence. = -2pts
• Dumping random dirty vamp blood into the mouth of your dying daughter is your first option and not a hospital? = +5pts (This time only.)
• Alcide? You’re still here? = -2pts
• Asking a whore at a bar if she’s seen someone suspicious rather than, you know, the bartender. = -2pts
• We’re pretty sure the T-1000 was just fired by an actor, on camera, as opposed to a producer, for being worthless. = +5pts (For being smart.)
• “My body is a temple and you have defiled it with your vampire loving pecker.” = +15pts (Because we couldn’t think of a better way to describe six seasons of watching this show.)
• Eric the Vampire vs. Dirty Vamp Babysitter. This could take—oh yeah. = +5pts
• There’s nothing sadder than the sight of a T-1000 coping with its obsoleteness than watching it fill up a motel bucket with ice. = -1pt
• It’s official: Ghosts are real. And they are apparently the entire staff of Merlott’s. = -2pts
• Finding out from your fabulous gay medium best friend that your racist parents tried to kill you. = -4pts
• Giving them a freebie and letting them try again while doing squat about it. = -5pts

Total Score = +31pts
Season Score = +30pts

It’s amazing what can happen when you don’t spend an entire show telling your viewers what just happened in the previous scene. This frees up a lot of time to play up the boobs, homoeroticism, and bananas plot elements that are the shows strengths. While, it’s a shame that it five episodes for the show to set the table, all that’s left now is to determine if the meal is any good. See you next week.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

End of Watch

Cops Mike Zavala (Michael Peña) and Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal) bring their own cameras along as they cruise the streets of South L.A., killing babies, rescuing drug dealers, and running afoul of human traffickers. Maybe we mixed a couple of those things up. Anyway, it’s that last one that gets them into trouble.

• First chase scene is really Grand Theft Auto. Really. We left our old Playstation hooked up and forgot to start the movie. = +5pts 
• Inside every L.A.P.D. vehicle camera, there is a teeny, tiny French New Wave director making jump-cuts to spice things up for later viewing. = +5pts 
• Using America Ferrera to play the same role Michelle Rodriguez plays in every movie instead of Michelle Rodriguez. = -7pts 
• Hey, Public Enemy has still got it! = +10pts 
• Wait a minute, are we supposed to believe that the cops are rolling around listening to Public Enemy? = -5pts 
• That camera clipped to your chest is picking up some suspiciously well-framed shots. = -3pts 
• For expecting we’ll buy that a gangster gives a cop more respect after getting beaten up by one. = -7pts 
• It’s disturbing how believable it is that at least one person in every group of characters is constantly filming what’s happening. = -3pts 
• Van Hauser’s hilariously over the top “departmental ass-fucking ” speech. = +12pts 
• Duct taping your toddlers’ mouths shut and stuffing them in a closet makes you a bad person? Come on, even if you’re not a crack head, admit that you’ve been in a confined space like an airplane with a screaming child, wishing that you had some duct tape. = -17pts 
• Sooo much interracial buddy banter. ‘Cause Mexicans always gotta be sayin’ that thing…and white people always gotta be doin’ that silly thing..and why green people always gotta talk like bleep blorp bloop blop and shit….What? Too far? = -2pts 
• Naming a character Big Evil. = +3pts 
• Okay, we were suspending our disbelief about an unseen, omnipresent director filming major parts of the story until the main characters started having sex. Who’s the pervy eye in the sky filming the sex? Does this actually happen in real life? We’re getting paranoid. = -13pts 
• Freakin’ rhinestone studded gun handle. = +5pts 
• Freakin’ gold-plated A-K! = +20pts 
• Keep trying houses. One of them may harbor a plot point. = -2pts 
• Rescuing toddlers not once, but twice, and only halfway through the movie, earning our main characters moviedom’s highest honor: the slow clap! *slow clap* = +15pts 
• Angelenos just elected the guy who played the mayor in this movie as the actual mayor. There’s no joke here. = -10pts 
• Eeeyagh! Knife in eye! Knife in eye! = +23pts 
• Least likely End of Watch spinoff: “Boots: The Unplucky Cop who Gets Beaten in the Face.” = - 2pts 
• Would you/Did you use the first dance at your wedding to bust out a comical hip-hop routine? Think carefully – no matter how you answer, it will reveal something about your socio-economic background. = -3pts 
• The two words you should never say as a movie character if you want to live: “I’m happy.” = -7pts 
• The old shaving-cream-in-the-hand-while-sleeping joke provides the funniest moment of the film. = +5pts 
• Being a cop in a movie and telling someone your wife is pregnant also guarantees bad things will happen to you. = -6pts 
• Running into an alleyway full of pit bulls in south L.A. – also depressingly believable. = -7pts 
• Oh bad guys, maybe you could have gotten away if you hadn’t paused so long to laugh evilly after shooting those cops. = -3pts 
• We’re not sure why bagpipes are always played at cop funerals, whether the cops are of Celtic descent or not, but it’s appropriate, because bagpipes make people sad. = +7pts

Total Score: +13pts
Available on: Netflix, Amazon, some bullshit pay channel

Man, we’re so drunk, we can’t finish this scorecard. You can’t expect us to live our lives and pay attention to things like End of Watch at the same time. There were some good parts. Like the parts where the guy saved the other guy, and then they all lived and loved and shit. Sure, that bad thing happened, ‘cause it’s tough to be cops, but they always did the right thing, and then they learned how to make love to their spouses, and in the end, they were able to share that one sincere moment together, that one that had to do with relatives having sex. It made sense at the time. And everyone had a camera. There was that, too. Everything was being recorded. Remember that, everyone! Everything is being recorded. Yes, everything is being recorded. Which is why, in the end, we praise End of Watch for gloriously fulfilling its magnificent purpose of exalting, in their sacred benefississiphance, the brave men and women of our most awesome and holy body of institutionness: the police force. Thank God for you, cops! And thank God for you, little can of beer! Thank.…God…. *spills beer, falls off edge off table*

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

Sharknado

What, you need an explanation for why we’re doing this? Read the title of this post. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, then I’m not sure we’re even speaking the same language. In this Syfy Channel original (or as we call it, “Lifetime for nerds”), Ian Ziering (Steve from 90210) is a California bar owner caught in the wake of a raging tropical sharknado. Can he and his friends make it to safety? Can he reconcile with his estranged wife (played by the zombified remains of Tara Reid) and kids? Can there possibly be any sharks left for the low-budget shark-horror genre to jump? As always, the Scorecard answers all…

• Opening sequence shows an ocean tornado sweeping up sharks into a…wait for it…Sharknado! = +10pts 
• “Want to depict a shady business deal? Get an Asian guy,” says racist movie producers everywhere. = -15pts 
• Japanese businessman’s plan to single-handedly hijack a shark-fishing boat in the middle of a class 5 sharknado seems ill-conceived. = -3pts 
• This is set in California? Everyone knows Oklahoma is the Sharknado capital of the US. = -5pts 
• “Oh hey, it’s that guy; what was he in again?” said everybody at the appearance of everyone. = -7pts 
• When did Steve from 90210 suddenly turn into Dylan from 90210? = +8pts (We’re into it.) 
• Scene of gruesome shark murder inexplicably intercut with shirtless ripped guy catching some rays. = +4pts 
• Scene of gruesome shark murder inexplicably intercut with large breasted woman running on the beach (for gender equality). = +4pts 
• Pie splat sound effect proves surprisingly versatile. = +11pts 
• Tara Reid emerges from the lightless sanctuary of her moss-covered crypt to deliver the first of her seven lines of dialogue in this movie. = +3pts 
• Turns out this whole thing was caused by global warming… and the sequel to An Inconvenient Truth has just written itself. = +7pts 
• Everyone knows sharks are most lethal when they’ve washed onto a boardwalk. = -2pts 
• The only thing that can stop these sharks is a runaway Ferris wheel…but where are we going to find a…LOOKOUT! = +10pts 
• Everyone hates a backseat driver, even if they are trying to save you from killer flying sharks. = -3pts 
• A belligerent teen daughter? A hostile ex-wife? Airborne sharks eating her d-bag boyfriend? The guy working on the next Die Hard sequel’s got nothing now. = -6pts 
• “Looks like it’s that time of month,” quips Tasmanian side-kick Baz as he surveys the bloody waters left in the wake of Tara Reed’s d-bag boyfriend. A little respect, Baz. A man just DIED. = -13pts 
• The gang needs to pick up Steve from 90210 and Tara Reid’s son from the airplane hangar where he was taking flight lessons, but not before saving a busload of school children and their driver who is, without question, a pedophile. = +3pts 
• God rids the world of the pedophile bus driver by flinging every letter in the Hollywood Hills sign directly at him. = +4pts 
• “I see how you look at my dad,” says teen daughter to sexy waitress. “He’s only going to break your heart.” Okay, we’re two-thirds of the way into the movie, and it looks like we’re giving character development a shot now. = -9pts 
• For some unspoken reason, the tornado only picks up sharks. Guess salmon tornadoes will have to wait for another day to have their story told. = -2pts 
• “You’ve just been Sharknadoed!” (Not really, but how awesome would that have been?) = -5pts 
• In this movie, if you aren’t at least at the ‘90s sitcom level of fame you will die a horrible and comical death. = +17pts 
• So, the plan is to disperse the sharknados by throwing bombs into them from a helicopter, because “tornadoes happen when cold and warm air meet” and the heat from the explosion will “balance them out.” Where does one even begin pointing out all the things wrong with this scenario? = -23pts 
• By the way, how is it that everyone knows so much about creating makeshift explosives? Does Homeland Security have a file on these people? = -7pts 
• Hot girl: “Sharks killed my grandparents.” Hot guy: “Now I really hate sharks!” = -14pts 
• Steve from 90210 just sniped a shark from a mile away with a handgun. =+3pts 
• …AND CHAINSAWED ANOTHER ONE IN HALF IN MIDAIR. = +12pts 
• Steve ushers the residents of an old folks home safely indoors. All he needs to do is rescue a basket of kittens from a burning building and he’ll be a shoo-in for hero of the year. = +5pts 
• Sexy waitress sucked out of helicopter, straight into a shark’s mouth. = +15pts 
• Steve shoves his daughter out of the way of an incoming great white and leaps chainsaw-first straight into the mouth. = +20pts 
• Maybe it was all a dream and Steve was asleep in the Peach Pit the whole time. = -2pts 
• Nope, not a dream. He’s definitely slow-motion chainsawing his way out of a shark right now. = +30pts 
• …AND PULLING THE SEXY WAITRESS OUT OF THE BLOODY GASH RIGHT BEHIND HIM. = +20pts 
• Movie ends with Steve reconciling with estranged wife Tara Reid. Wouldn’t getting eaten by a shark have been a kinder fate? = -11pts

Total Score = +59pts
Available on: Constant re-runs on the Syfy Channel, that bizarre dream you had after eating Mexican too late at night

Not gonna lie, folks. This was rough-going for a while. After the initial wave of giddiness wears off, you’re left with the unenviable task of watching a bunch of semi-famous people trying to make the best of one hastily conceived, poorly CGIed set-piece after another. Fortunately, the last ten minutes show up in a big, BIG way. Sharknado ends up being a pretty fun little romp, especially if you’ve got your Scorecard in hand.

Score Technicians: Amanda Hemmerling, Joe Hemmerling

True Blood Season 6, Episode 4

Just when there was a glimmer of hope that this season of True Blood wasn’t turning in to a complete clusterkitten, HBO overloads the nanobots’ circuitry with the shit circus that was season six, episode four. Per usual, this scorecard contains spoilers!

• Forcing us to change Ben’s moniker from “handsome ditch fairy” to “handsome ditch vampire fairy.” = -8pts 
• We always knew that Rutger Hauer smells amazing. = +53pts 
• It’s official: T-1000 has been relegated to the role of a literal background character. = -4pts 
• Where did Sam find pants? We’ll accept vampires, shapeshifters, and werewolves, but not the idea of finding an immaculately-pressed pair of pants in the Bon Temps wilderness. = -2pts 
• Hillbilly Governor screaming in furious pain after punching Eric’s closet door. = +4pts 
• Next on Fairy Princess Squad: the girls harass a PTSD-suffering short order cook with their mind powers and experience spontaneous puberty. = +8 pts 
• Christ alive, Jason Stackhouse is ripped as hell. Bill, do you even lift? = +6pts 
• Even though Jessica’s pathetic attempt to seem cool in front of the Fairy Princess Squad is blown by her self-admittance of being a vampire, the girls still follow her into Bill’s “party van.” = +4pts 
• Jason has a homoerotic shaving dream involving Ben and then wakes up disappointed at his cock’s treachery. = +6pts 
• Bill being a snatch-tease to a clearly underage fairy princess. = +5pts 
• No one will ever murder you as tenderly and romantically as Eric the Vampire. = +7pts 
• Eric sexily turning Willa into a vampire is cut straight to Nicole’s festering leg wound. = -9pts 
• Nicole’s reaction to Sam’s horse transformation: “Sheeeeyt!” = +3pts 
• Rutger Hauer’s wig is out of control! Now we know what Unbreakable’s Mr. Glass would have looked like had he been portrayed by an aging Dutchman rather than Samuel L. Jackson. = -3pts 
• We’re not sure if Ben is spitting Rutger Hauer’s blood into a bathtub because he doesn’t partake or because Rutger tastes as bad as his wig looks / suit fits (chose your own joke!). = -6pts 
• After freezing Professor Takahashi in midair and demanding a synthesis of fairy blood, Bill walks out of the room without setting the professor down. = -3 pts (How is he expected to work like that?) 
• Eric’s brand of revenge-fucking is to die for. = +8pts
•  Scant seconds after Tara storms off, Pam is shot and apprehended by the anti-fabulousness police. = -10pts 
• Willa’s pro-vampire argument is invalidated when she attempts to murder her bigoted father after getting a whiff of his wounded hand. = -5pts 
• Warlo née Ben banishes Rutger Hauer, and thus our one reason to continue watching, to the Jizz Dimension! = - 9pts 
• Sam and Nicole seek comfort with one another after the recent deaths of their significant others by convalescing in a skeezy hotel room. Sam just can’t get over– grope– seeing Luna die in front of him – kiss– and how he can’t think about anything other than – BOOBS! = +6 pts 
• Sookie lays her anti-lying rant on thicker than her make-up. = -2pts 
• Jason’s “best Dirty Harry” is hitting a Mushroomhead shirt-wearing creepwad in the tim-toms with a billy club. = +14pts 
• Next on Fairy Princess Squad – nevermind, they’re all dead. = -9pts 
• Sookie reveals her safewords: “Get the fuck off me or die.” = +5pts

Total Score +11 pts
Season Score -1 pt

We are not fooled! Though Warlo has shaved off his beard and adopts a disguise, our eyes do not lie! For it is Ben, the same bloodsucking ditch fairy! What this season lacks in pacing and plot direction it makes up for with Jason Stackhouse’s man-pecks and face-licking. Can they alone save this season from further spiraling down the staircase of mediocrity? We have six more episodes to find out!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

Cabin in the Woods

So, Chris Hemsworth made two movies prior to his breakout role in Thor. One was Cabin in the Woods. The other was a remake of Red Dawn. Both were developed by MGM during a transitional period and both sat on the shelf for quite a while. One of these films was co-written by Avengers (and Buffy) god, Joss Whedon and Angel disciple Drew Goddard. The other was written by five guys you’ve never heard of. Normally, we’d leave it to your common sense to determine which of these two movies is actually worth watching. But then we thought, “You know what? Since we have a few multimillion dollar nanomachines at our disposal, we could see if, in this case, science aligns with the ephemeral world of good taste.” So relax, people of earth, and let the nanobots do all the hard, as they probe the cinematic horror glory hole that is Cabin in the Woods.

• Directed by the guy from Angel and starring almost everybody from Angel but Angel. = +20pts
• Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins: The best dynamic superhero duo since King Rad and Wild Boy. = +30pts
• Drawing creepy charcoal pictures of your college professor, whom you also slept with and who broke up with you. = -3pts
• Thor pretending to be the big-time college QB, while being unable to throw a football in any believable manner. = -2pts (I SAY THEE, NAY!)
• Since when did college kids in movies look like they were in their 30’s? Oh yeah, since the ‘80s. =  -3pts
• QB Thor emerging from the driver’s side of a Winnebago while simultaneously tossing football back and forth in his hands. Son, that’s just not very safe. = -2pts
• Creepy sexist gas station operator/harbinger who owns many faded confederate flags and speaks in cryptic bibleisms. = +5pts (Only in a horror movie.)
• When to buy a cabin? When it looks like no more than eight people have been murdered there. In this case? Sell, sell, sell! = +3pts
• Wonderful family portrait of mountain people frolicking in the innards of a dead goat. = +2pts (For using the whole animal.)
• Actual line in response to revelation of creepy one-way mirror in desiccated cabin. “It was pioneer days. People had to make their own interrogation rooms.” = +4pts
• Speaker phones sure can lead to good times! = +2pts
• Do college kids even bother playing truth or dare anymore? We thought they just posted their amateur porn on the Internet. = No score. Just a question.
• Going into a run-down cabin’s cellar. A bad idea since, 1981. = -3pts
• DON’T OPEN THE PUZZEL SPHERE!! = +3pts (We did out part. You’re on your own from here on out, dildos.)
• Husband bulge. = +7pts
• The cost of doing copious amounts of weed? Nobody listens to your pleas that they not read the Latin passage scrawled in an old incest meat diary. = -4pts
• Leave it to a family of torture prone zombie rednecks to find new ways to use a bear trap. = +2pts
• Wait, so Whitford and Jenkins are bad? Fine. They’re the coolest bad guys since Doctor Blasphemy and…um, Kid Vicious? = +5pts
• Weaponizing your bong is always a good idea. Don’t let anyone tell you different. = +2pts
• Apparently the best way to defeat government grade hallucinogenic is to smoke copious amounts of marijuana. = +4.20pts
• Thor’s motorbike jump: The best jump since Homer Simpson jumped the Springfield Gorge...and almost as funny. =  +10pts
• Man…um, er…virgins sure can take a beating. = +4pts (You go girl!)
• “Yeah…I had to dismember that guy with a trowel… What’ve you been up to?” = +5pts
• Sawhead, you distant cousin of Pinhead, you! Stop looking so contemplative…and sexy. = +2pts 
• “Good work zombie arm!” = +5pts
• Finally, the Monster Mash video we’ve all be waiting for. = +15pts
• Murderous unicorns. = +3pts
• Never turn your back on a virgin with a gun. = +3pts
• Nihilism is cool. = +3pts
• Earth five! = +5pts (One point for every ancient evil finger.)

Total Score: +127.20pts
Available On: DVD, Netflix, Amazon, In your steamer trunk--the fanboy one, not the porn one

A movie that probably only translates well to horror fanatics scores (un)surprisingly well when calculated by nanobots who’ve grown fat on scary films. Cabin in the Woods’ puzzle box of twists and turns is clearly the brainchild of two individuals who’ve watched (and read) a ton of horror. If, like us, you are near or at their level, then you’ll likely appreciate the countless references to the genre both subtle (hello, pokey object through the throat) and obvious (we’re looking [askance] at you Sawhead). Even if you don’t catch all the references, the whole “nihilism is cool, fuck you squares/establishment” message is entertaining and oddly earned. Now, if there's a way to get Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins a pilot or something, we’d like to do that.

Oh, and then there is this... = +31pts

Revised Total Score: +158.20

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

True Blood Season 6, Episode 3

True Blood is back! Only three episodes in and clearly what you need is 50-minutes of pure and unfiltered exposition. And, as regular readers are well aware, the nanobots love exposition.

• Eric the Vampire, mastering non-con intercourse since 1000AD. = -10pts
• Watching Sookie “play with her light” for two episodes sounds funner than it is. = -5pts
• Nicole’s obvious eyeroll at the sound of her douchy boyfriend declaring to a pack of werewolves the fact that he is her “boyfriend.” = +3pts
• Bill sees all his friends burn in the sun during a vision of the future and decides ”fuck it” and goes for a morning stroll. = -2pts
• Bill bursting into flames. = +5pts
• Bill not dying. = -10pts
• Tender Sookie and Jason conversation about how racist their parents were or weren’t. = -5pts (Apparently, they were pretty racist.)
• Isn’t there an old saying that goes: “The more you have to shout and declare yourself the Pack Master to a bunch of werewolves, the less it’s likely you are the Pack Master of a bunch of werewolves.” = No score. Just an old saying.
• Fairy Tweens are comedy gold. = +11pts
• Eric the Vampire sexily sucking an index finger. = +1pt
• Can somebody find Rutger Hauer a suit that fits him? = -3pts (We reserve the right to flip this score to a plus if he's wearing a fat suit.
• Three episodes in and we’re already having a five minute conversation between two terrible characters summarizing what amounts to (maybe) 20-minutes of plot over the previous two episodes. Hey, HBO, isn’t that what the “previously on True Blood” portion of the show is for? It’s as if the writers are literally writing out their bewilderment at what they’ve created and are subconsciously verbalizing it through dialog. = -8pts
• At this point Warlo could show up and whip his dick out and we could care less. = -8pts (This is saying something as dick is apparently at a premium on this show.)
• “Hey, little girl! It’s me, Sam! Your buck naked hero! I’m here to rescue you! Just follow my bouncing dong into the woods! I swear this isn’t creepy at all!” = -2pts
• Ben the Handsome Ditch Fairy is done with stupid questions, but not being stupid. = -4pts

Final Score = -37pts
Season Score: -12pts

One of the worst episodes in the history of the show single-handedly erases the (admittedly) low positive score and drags the show into the negatives. Is this a trend? Can computers cry? Stay (marginally) tuned!

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Barbarella

Based on Jean-Claude Forest’s erotic comic serial, Barbarella was a commercial and critical failure upon its 1968 release, but enjoyed a revival in the late ‘70s among lovers of trash cinema. It has since become the role that defines Jane Fonda’s career and continues to cast a long shadow in the world of cult cinema. So, how will the nanobots judge this futuristic tale of a comely earth woman copulating her way across the alien world of Tau Ceti in search of the rogue scientist Durand Durand? There’s only one way to find out.

• Space suit strip tease set to what sounds like a poor man’s Tom Jones: about as sexy as it sounds. =-18pts 
• In the future, taking a video call from your boss in the buff isn’t awkward at all. = -2pts 
• The President of Earth addresses all of the movie’s exposition straight to Barbarella’s rack. = -12pts 
• For finally understanding where Duran Duran got their name from. = +20pts 
• Holy sixties, we just realized the interior of Barbarella’s spacecraft is lined floor to ceiling with shag carpet. = +14pts 
• If the planet’s surface is cold enough that a ship can crash land on a frozen lake without breaking through, why is everyone dressed like it’s the middle of June? = -8pts 
• Actual line of dialogue: “Wait, let me adjust my toungbox.” = -10pts 
• The preferred form of conveyance on the frozen wastes of Tau Ceti is a sleigh DRAWN BY A GODDAM ICE-MANTA. = +15pts 
• Next time you close your eyes, this is what you’ll see. = +25pts 
• Barbarella rescue #1: Saved from killer dolls by a traveling band of child slavers. =-3pts 
• The leader of the child slavers forgot the mask to his Wookie costume. = -1pt 
• Apparently in the year 40,000, only the poors have penetrative intercourse. On a side note, why did every dystopian future to come out of the ‘60s and ‘70s revolve around a world where people stopped having sex? Was that really something we were all worried about back then? = -30pts 
• Holy cow, the head child slaver has a wookie suit underneath his wookie suit. = +2pts 
• Wookie-suited child slaver schools Barbarella in the pleasures of a good old-fashioned game of hide the salami. = -25pts 
• It’s been, like, 20 minutes and Barbarella has already had more outfit changes than a Lady Gaga concert. = +18pts 
• Also, this is the second time in that same time frame that she’s been knocked unconscious. Barbarella really sucks at her job. = -50pts 
• Blind angel Pygar abuses his disability to cop a feel on Barbarella. Not cool, dude. = -25pts 
• Professor Ping played by legendary mime, Marcel Marceau! = +10pts 
• Any “professor” who needs to don his head beaker and stare at your chest in order to determine that you’re a human female is probably not the best guy to help you repair your spaceship. = -16pts 
• Barbarella Rescue #2: Pygar uses Barbarella’s gun to shoot the leatherman that ensnares her with a whip. Barbarella is officially less capable of taking care of herself than a blind dude. = -12pts 
• Three guesses as to how Barbarella solves Pygar’s “morale problem” and helps him regain the power of flight. = -11pts (Answer: She bangs him.) 
• Barbarella Rescue #3: Barbarella saved from back-alley rape in the city of Sogo by a bisexual, one-eyed battle prostitute. = +24pts (Hey, at least it was another lady this time.) 
• Barbarella Rescue #4: Barbarella and Pygar freed from the Chamber of Ultimate Solution by Sogo’s Concierge. = -48pts 
• For finally understanding where Matmos got their name. = +15pts 
• The bisexual one-eyed battle prostitute was actually Sogo’s Tyrant in disguise! = +20pts (Suck it, glass ceiling.) 
• Barbarella rescue #5: Barbarella escapes from the humming bird execution chamber by a secret chute operated by resistance movement. = -96pts (On a related note, the Tyrant needs to have a serious conversation with Sogo’s city planners). 
• The head of the revolutionary forces is named Dildano. = +25pts 
• We finally get to see the pills in action. = -60pts 
• Aaaaaaand ten minutes after getting sprung from the bird chamber, Barbarella gets captured again by the Concierge. Is captivity her mutant power or something? = -42pts 
• The Concierge hooks Barbarella up to a giant synthesizer that will kill her with ecstasy when the tune his tune reaches its crescendo. = +14pts 
• Barbarella’s capacity for pleasure burns out the Orgasmic Death Piano. Aside from the areal battle, this is the only scrape she’s gotten herself out of in the entire movie. = -36pts 
• The Concierge (who turns out to be the rogue scientist Durand Durand) betrays Barbarella and locks her in the Tyrant’s chamber of dreams, where they will both be devoured by the Mathmos, proving once again that Barbarella is the Michael Jordan of getting captured. = -32pts 
• As the Mathmos pours up from beneath the city of Sogo to devour its inhabitants, it forms a bubble around Barbarella and the Tyrant to protect itself from Barbarella’s innocence. = +25pts 
• Pygar rescues the Tyrant, along with Barbarella because “Angels have no memory.” So angels = goldfish? = -4pts 
• The Barry Manilow-esque closing theme plays for a full 56 seconds after the credits are over. = -14pts

Total Score = -343pts
Available on: Netflix streaming, midnight screenings, flower-child nostalgia

As a work of science fantasy, Barbarella is predictably (and hilariously) awful. Where the movie gets more interesting is the examination of its sexual politics. The fact that Barbarella, who hands out sexual favors like thank-you notes, still escapes being devoured by the Mathmos at the end due to her “innocence” feels progressive even by today’s standards. However, her inability to go ten minutes without getting knocked unconscious or captured and her constant dependence on the intercession of strange men (whom she is then obligated to have sex with) kind of makes it hard to view her as any kind of feminist icon. In that regard, Barbarella is a film that’s every bit as emblematic of the ‘60s as Easy Rider.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling