Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Hudson Hawk

Bruce Willis and Danny Aielo sing to each other and burglarize priceless Da Vinci artifacts while dealing with evil billionaires and the CIA. The fact that Bruce Willis wrote the story for this underrated box office disaster himself means that it has “instant classic” written all over it. Grab your scorecards and sing along.
  • Narration by William “Fatman of Jake and the Fatman” Conrad. = +3pts 
  • We’re pretty sure this introduction inspired Dan Brown to write Da Vinci Code. = +2pts 
  • The guy on a donkey is just a guy on a donkey. = -9pts 
  • Da Vinci invents hang gliding, helicopters, steampunk, badass entrances, and Laser Floyd. = +60pts 
  • Captain Bob’s Steering Wheel. = +7Pts. 
  • ”Directions even your brother could understand.” is a thinly veiled jab at Sylvester Stallone. =+10pts 
  • Cutting a huge hole in a glass door instead of just unlocking it. = -10pts 
  • Loudest cat burglary ever. = -10pts 
  • Horrid “Dogs Playing Poker” painting used to underscore the sleaziness of crooked parole officer. = -6pts 
  • The butler did it. = +3pts 
  • After murdering the crooked parole officer with a giant knife, evil butler makes bad pun about giving the man his “cut” and apologizes for his “…dry British humour.” = -5pts 
  • Exploding auctioneer. = +1pt 
  • Codename: Chlamydia. = -12pts 
  • Kaplan on Old CIA vs. New CIA: “They think that the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea!” = +5pts (for making us wonder what it would taste like. Our guess is bacon and Old Bay seasoning.) 
  • Explaining why Hawk was in prison for 10 years and hates George Kaplan in less than 5 lines. = +8pts 
  • Main Villain Darwin Mayflower stating, “I am the villain” while introducing self to Hawk. = -9pts 
  • Main Villain Darwin Mayflower also using the phrase “World Domination!” as ultimate goal of evil plan. = +4pts 
  • Laughably inept Mayflower security guards/Rick Astley body doubles. = -6pts 
  • Creepy looking child beating wall with stuffed elephant embarrasses her whole country, according to mom. = +2pts 
  • Vaguely offensive Italian stereotype eating spaghetti. = -5 pts 
  • …From a Thermos. = +6pts 
  • Crucifix Intercom. = +11pts 
  • Using the Papal staff to adjust television reception. = +4pts 
  • David Caruso manipulating sunglasses without benefit of horrid puns or The Who. = -30pts 
  • Second loudest cat burglary ever. Have we learned nothing at all? = -15pts 
  • Green Eggs and Ham used to distract CIA thug from his sudden desire to rape our heroes. = +17pts (for demonstrating the power of literature) 
  • Catholic girls ARE scary. = +3pts 
  • David Caruso looks alarmingly comfortable in that red dress. = +8pts 
  • Mayflower having to explain definition of cat burglary to world’s greatest cat burglar. = -20pts 
  • English butler knowing Vulcan Neck pinch? Illogical. =-9pts 
  • Purple camouflage blends into absolutely nothing in surrounding environment, blue cravat doesn’t help either. = -5pts 
  • Kaplan defeated by unhurriedly bending over, retrieving hat. =-5pts 
  • Evil soliloquy ending with vigorous air humping. = +16pts 
  • Evil butler finding and applying Union Jack war paint for final confrontation somewhere in exploding castle. = +3pts 
  • Evil butler, decapitated with own knives, “…won’t be attending that hat convention!” according to our valiant hero. =-2pts 
  • Inventing a dog version of the Wilhelm Scream. = +20pts 
  • Wait, does “play Nintendo” mean “sex”? = -1pt 
  • Scriptwriter gives up determining plausible scenario in which Tommy lives, just lets it happen. = -4pts
Total Score = +42pts
Available on Blu-ray, DVD, in Bruce Willis’ nightmares, on Sean McConnell’s Amazon wishlist, right next to The Return of Bruno

Score Technician: Dave Addyman 

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