Monday, May 6, 2013


From Full Moon Features, the leading name in B-rated schlock, comes Dollman! How can a sci-fi police dramedy featuring a thirteen-inch space cop battling gang violence be anything but entertaining? Scorecard power, activate!
  • Rorschach gets second billing! = In the ‘90s, +0 pts. In 2013. +12 pts 
  • Arcturus, a planet supposedly 10,000 light years from Earth, looks like Chicago in summer. = -6pts 
  • From a distance, the crook running from the po-po looks like either Tom Baker or Bilbo Baggins. = -3pts 
  • Bilbo Baker’s nefarious plan is to hold several zaftig women and their equally robust children hostage in a trademark-dodging “laundry mat.” = +11pts (For being a scumbag with discerning tastes.) 
  • Enter Brick Bardo, whose name is as outrageous as the amount of soap he uses to wash his clothes.= +2pts 
  • When a kid makes wide-eyed comments about the splendor that is Brick’s pistol, Brick establishes his douchebaggery by venomously snapping, “That’s right, fatboy!” = -3pts 
  • Brick further solidifies his assholiness by acting so threatening that one of the large women faints, bowling over Tom Baggins and murdering him in a pillowy avalanche. = -5pts 
  • Just when we were going to make a joke about Brick wearing his sunglasses at night so that he could see, the police chief pisses on our parade by getting there first. = -7pts 
  • Brick watches a newscast so shaky that the cameraman is either spliffed or is phasing in and out of the astral zone. = -4pts 
  • A misshapen head squeezed into a hovercraft somehow still has enough clout to be the most feared crime boss on the planet. = -7pts 
  • Brick literally blows away Hovercraft Head’s henchtwats. = +7pts 
  • Despite having his torso reduced to goo, one henchman starts smoking a cigarette before confusing the face to make for his death throes with the one he makes when jizzing his corduroys. = -28pts 
  • Hovercraft Head escapes to the South Bronx through a wormhole in the flying saucer from Plan Nine from Outer Space while Brick pursues him in the space ship from Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future. = -7pts 
  • No montage of urban depravity is complete without synthesized hip-hop beats. = -4pts 
  • Rorschach makes his appearance by gunning down cholos with an uzi. = +3pts (For staying in character despite being in a different movie.) 
  • The female lead, Mexican Elaine Benes, shows that she don’t take no guff by beating the hell out of a drug dealer. +4pts 
  • If there was an award for Worst Clap in Cinematic History, the winner would be the mayor in this movie. = -9pts 
  • Brick, thinking that he must have crash-landed into Brobdingnagian Mexico, saves Mex-Elaine from being immolated by Hispanic Tom Savini and his cronies.= +6pts 
  • Mex-Elaine shows her gratitude to Brick for saving her life by giggling at his smallness.= -6pts 
  • Rorschach discovers Hovercraft Head and shouts in amazement to his friend, “A two-inch head, look!” = +3pts 
  • Hovercraft Head wins Rorschach over by touting that he has a bomb that can “blow the universe a new asshole.” = +4pts (Classy.) 
  • Mex-Elaine refuses to believe that Brick is anything but a midget, despite his arrival via space ship. = -8pts 
  • Being the latchkey kid that he is, Mex-Elaine’s son is so starved for attention that he immediately becomes smitten with Brick and shows his ship off to the entire neighborhood. = +4pts 
  • Despite having the design integrity to rocket through space, Brick’s ship has no soundproofing, as evident by his ability to converse with everyone in the room without so much as raising his voice. = -7pts 
  • After breaking into Mex-Elaine’s house, Hispanic Tom Savini defiantly shouts, “I told you he’s not a midget!” to his cohorts before they are mercilessly gunned down by Brick. = -4pts 
  • When Hovercraft Head explains that only his space lasers can heal the wounds Rorschach sustained from Brick’s super amazing gun, he proclaims that Rorschach will be working for him. Rorschach responds by making a fist and smashing Hovercraft Head into a steaming pile of glop just to show that he don’t work for nobody, man. = -17pts 
  • When Mex-Elaine leaves for work in the morning, she gives Brick her phone number as if he understands what a phone is, how it works, and has the capability of finding and dialing one should the need arise. = -15pts 
  • Mex-Elaine works at what appears to be a toxic waste cannery for a man with a tremendously bad accent . = -7pts 
  • Following a foiled invasion of Mex-Elaine’s home, Brick rockets from an open window (using his kung-fu grip to adjust his sunglasses in midair) and lands onto the bad guys’ getaway van. +4 pts 
  • He does not call Mex-Elaine before doing so. +5 pts 
  • For using an actual doll to simulate Brick hanging from the side of the van. = +4pts 
  • We’re not sure how the guard-homey didn’t see Brick indiscreetly sneaking up to him with a metal pole before he was bapped on the head. = -2pts 
  • “Urban fuckin’ renewal,” quips Brick before he blows up the bad guys. How is he even familiar with that term? = -19pts 
  • Rorschach and Mex-Elaine used to be an item, or something. Who cares, Brick shows up and blows Rorschach’s arm off. +6 pts (‘Tis but a scratch!) 
  • A hitherto unseen gangsta shows up in shoe-polish black face with machine guns akimbo and shouts, “AAAAAH MOTHERFUCKERRRRR!” before firing wildly. = +25pts (For being a complete trainwreck.) 
  • Rorschach set us up the bomb; the South Bronx looks no different after it explodes. = +16 pts (For insinuating that the South Bronx is in fact Earth’s asshole.) 
  • “Size doesn’t count,” says Brick to Mex-Elaine. Roll credits. = -11pts 
  • Konstantin von Krusenstiern is wasting his time messing with second assistant camera work when he should be the alter ego for a supervillain. = +4pts (For having such a boss name .) 
  • For hiring someone to wrangle cockroaches. = +3pts 
  • The role of “Hysterical Fat Lady” was not given to Louie Anderson. -4 pts 
Total Score = -53 pts
Available: Streaming from or crammed onto an Echo Bridge compilation with nineteen other crapsterpieces.

Dollman takes itself as seriously as its laughably bad premise. The presentation of the goofiness, however, is more of a hindrance than an enhancement. It winks at its own ludicrousness too often and too sloppily, resulting in a ham-fisted groanfest that would have been more entertaining had it focused on making us laugh at its straight-faced seriousness. Still, for a direct-to-video crapsack, it’s worth viewing just to see how Jackie Earle Haley spent his time between Bad News Bears and Watchmen.

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