Monday, April 29, 2013


In the 1988 cult classic Heathers, a young and super-attractive Christian Slater introduces an equally young and possibly more attractive Winona Ryder to the dark side of high school drama queens. If this movie doesn’t take you back to the good ol’ days when you could creep around with your hot boyfriend in the middle of the night, murdering everyone who annoyed you, then your adolescence was lame, and you should have worn more leather jackets or ridden a motorcycle or something.
  • Depiction of flowers getting stomped on to symbolize the loss of innocence soon to come. = +6pts. (So we all know where this is going)
  • For finally showing us why we weren’t popular in high school—we knew we shouldn’t have wasted all that time on piano lessons when croquet was so clearly the way to go. = +11pts.
  • Any actual journaler knows that journaling on the main staircase of one’s high school is counterproductive. = -4pts
  • And the unpopular ex-friend of the reluctant popular star must wear glasses, am I right? Guys don’t make passes at girl who wear glasses, Betty.= -5pts
  • We feel like it needs to be said, just to get it off our chests: Heather One is a total bitch. = +15pts
  • Classic prank on  fat girl to get the ball rolling. Too easy.= -10pts
  • How many times can two adolescent douche bags stalkerishly stare at each other in one lunch period? Gee, do you think Veronica likes the brooding type? = -3pts
  • For showing college dudes everywhere how to make the “You’re so hot tonight. I can’t control myself” line work. = -12pts
  • For throwing fire into a garbage can and smoking out the ever-elusive college party. = +15pts
  • Veronica! Are you journaling while wearing a monacle? We don’t understand it, but we love it! = +13pts
  • For not noticing as your boyfriend kills your “best friend” right under your nose. = -3pts (Veronica, don’t let your aloofness be exploited for dramatic irony. Take action, you beautiful genius!)
  • At least Heather Chandler’s death meant something; Heather Duke doesn’t give a damn about her bulimia anymore. = +8pts
  • Alluding to your dad’s past murders in front of your new girlfriend. = +6pts (That takes balls.)
  • Homosocial bromance couple constantly spewing homophobia. = -9pts
  • Let this be a lesson to all of you guys out there: You can’t tip cows on a date and then expect to get laid. = +20pts.
  • For buying the line, “Oh, they’re fake bullets. It’ll just look like they’re dead. You believe me don’t ya?” She cannot be buying that. = -17pts (For wasting that super-high IQ.)
  • Mineral water: Official drink of gay men everywhere. = -13pts
  • JD using Veronica’s self-inflicted burn wound to light his cigarette. = +15pts (Baller move.)
  • Super-sexy JD has killed three people with Veronica as an accomplice, but it’s the shooting the radio that really does it. No one interrupts the hit single “Teenage Suicide: Don’t Do It.” That’s it! They’re breaking up! = -11pts.
  • Oh, Betty. Things could have been so different if you had been named Heather and didn’t need glasses. You can even play croquet, for God’s sake. If you weren’t a fictional character stuck in a loop of high school horror, we’d predict you’d bloom in college. In honor of you: = +18pts.
  • Shannen Doherty getting bitch slapped. = +20pts (We’ll drink to that.)
  • Faking your own suicide and getting your ex to admit he (1) loves you and (2) has concocted a nefarious plan to end all nefarious plans. Now, that’s something a genius would do. = +27pts
  • She seriously shot his middle finger off! If you flip Veronica off, she will literally be the last person you flip off. = +25pts.
  • Sorry to say, Veronica, but I’m afraid you may have developed a serious case of crazy eye over the course of this movie. Please don’t kill us. = +10pts
Total Score: +120pts.
Available: Netflix instant streaming, Ohio State Police case files #345897

Veronica and her new boyfriend go around town killing the irritating popular kids, who deserve to die because of their perfect 80’s hair and gay slurs, so who can blame them? No judgment here. But the victims foil that plan by becoming even more popular after death, and, as a direct result, even more fucking irritating.

Heathers illuminates a different side of teenage suicide that is usually kept from view: the positive side. It becomes clear that suicide is the only answer, and we should all obviously kill ourselves right now. Then we’ll finally be popular.

Score Technician: Savannah Tankersley 

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