Begotten

Begotten is the story of Genesis, as told through lots of fake blood.

• Macabre opening quotes, reminding us that we ain’t shit in the grand scheme of things. = +10pts 
• Christopher Nolanesque opening title. Yes. = +10pts 
• Grainy, black and white film stock that says, “You probably already watched this in college and just don’t remember because you were drunk all the time.” = +10pts 
• No music. Just natural and ambient sounds. Alright. = +10pts 
• Old house in the woods. Yeah. = +10pts 
• Bearded granny puking blood. = +15pts 
• Bearded granny disemboweling herself. = +20pts 
• Okay. A foot…with poop…or….raspberries or…something? = -10pts 
• The lady hiding behind a sheet has been there this whole time? = -10pts 
• We hope the lady behind the sheet brings some story with her. = +20pts 
• Nope. Just scrambled Skinemax pornography. = -30pts 
• …and the female lead has never had a bikini waxing before. Like, really really never. I hear some people like it, but it’s just not for me. = -5pts 
• Isn’t this just a Tool video without music? = -10pts 
• No. It’s an Alice in Chains video without music. = -25pts 
• Only with Jawas or druids or Orcos or something. = +20pts 
• …but they seem like crap people to hang out with, considering the torture and disemboweling and stuff. = -10pts 
• There is puking to balance out the torture and disemboweling. = +10pts 
• Icky gag breathing. = +10pts 
• Endless gag breathing. = –20pts 
• Parkinsons seizure. = -10pts 
• It might just be a regular seizure. = +15pts 
• We used a lot of gain effects in the ‘90s. = -20pts 
• Smashing a big stick into a guy’s bare wiener, and making it not look so bad. = +10pts 
• Smashing many big sticks into all of a girl’s holes repeatedly, definitely looking very bad. = -30pts 
• This takes a long time. = -15pts 
• Just dragging people around for 7/10ths of the movie. = -50 pts 
• More torture and death and stuff. = +5pts 
• Oh! It’s about The Bible! = +100pts

Total Score = +30pts
Available on: DVD. YouTube also has an even crappier version of the whole thing.

This is definitely the prequel to The Passion of the Christ. Do you have a friend in your church group that may be questioning his or her faith? Then this is the movie for them!

Score Technician: Arrison Kirby