Wednesday, May 8, 2013


Begotten is the story of Genesis, as told through lots of fake blood.
  • Macabre opening quotes, reminding us that we ain’t shit in the grand scheme of things. = +10pts 
  • Christopher Nolanesque opening title. Yes. = +10pts 
  • Grainy, black and white film stock that says, “You probably already watched this in college and just don’t remember because you were drunk all the time.” = +10pts 
  • No music. Just natural and ambient sounds. Alright. = +10pts 
  • Old house in the woods. Yeah. = +10pts 
  • Bearded granny puking blood. = +15pts 
  • Bearded granny disemboweling herself. = +20pts 
  • Okay. A foot…with poop…or….raspberries or…something? = -10pts 
  • The lady hiding behind a sheet has been there this whole time? = -10pts 
  • We hope the lady behind the sheet brings some story with her. = +20pts 
  • Nope. Just scrambled Skinemax pornography. = -30pts 
  • …and the female lead has never had a bikini waxing before. Like, really really never. I hear some people like it, but it’s just not for me. = -5pts 
  • Isn’t this just a Tool video without music? = -10pts 
  • No. It’s an Alice in Chains video without music. = -25pts 
  • Only with Jawas or druids or Orcos or something. = +20pts 
  • …but they seem like crap people to hang out with, considering the torture and disemboweling and stuff. = -10pts 
  • There is puking to balance out the torture and disemboweling. = +10pts 
  • Icky gag breathing. = +10pts 
  • Endless gag breathing. = –20pts 
  • Parkinsons seizure. = -10pts 
  • It might just be a regular seizure. = +15pts 
  • We used a lot of gain effects in the ‘90s. = -20pts 
  • Smashing a big stick into a guy’s bare wiener, and making it not look so bad. = +10pts 
  • Smashing many big sticks into all of a girl’s holes repeatedly, definitely looking very bad. = -30pts 
  • This takes a long time. = -15pts 
  • Just dragging people around for 7/10ths of the movie. = -50 pts 
  • More torture and death and stuff. = +5pts 
  • Oh! It’s about The Bible! = +100pts
Total Score = +30pts
Available on: DVD. YouTube also has an even crappier version of the whole thing.

This is definitely the prequel to The Passion of the Christ. Do you have a friend in your church group that may be questioning his or her faith? Then this is the movie for them!

Score Technician: Arrison Kirby

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