Friday, May 10, 2013

The Howling

In The Howling, intrepid reporter Karen White (Dee Wallace) braves a pseudo-psychotherapeutic retreat to confront a bunch of Goddamn California werewolf hippies.
  • A werewolf movie that doesn’t revolve around fighting / fucking vampires. = +20pts 
  • Slim Pickens! = +10pts 
  • Watching rape porn with the mom from E.T. = -20pts 
  • For defining the word 'cynosure' for me. Don't insult our intelligence! We know what cynosure means! It means...Wait, what does it mean again? = -3pts 
  • This action-figure build, football player of a golden-mustachioed husband, is making us question our sexuality. (In 1981 = -10pts, In 2013 = +15pts) = +5pts 
  • Car wheels screech on grass. = -5pts 
  • Trusting the skeezy guy who played Mr. Steed in The Avengers. = -10pts 
  • Using a tweaked-out hippie in place of a hunting dog. = +10pts 
  • Most subtle expositional introduction of a character ever: "Hello, good friend!" = -3pts 
  • Sex on the beach. (Sand gets everywhere.) = -69pts (heh, heh) 
  • Golden-locked husband slaps wife. We’re so over him now. = -10pts 
  • Werewolf knows how to use a filing cabinet. = +10pts 
  • Killer pulls out piece of his own brain! = +25pts 
  • Werewolf Slim Pickens! = +50pts 
  • Shooting werewolf Slim Pickens. = -10 pts 
  • Lead turns into the cutest, cuddliest werewolf ever. = +10 pts 
  • On live TV! = +20pts 
Total Score =  +30pts
Available on: Netflix DVD

Not the worst movie the scorecard has ever scored, considering it doesn’t try to be anything more than a scary entertainment featuring werewolves. Director Joe Dante and Co-writer John Sayles sneak in a few jabs about our disaffected, media-saturated society, but the commentary punctuates the action, rather than overwhelming it. While we may have been freaked out by this movie during our childhood, the years have seriously dated the scary factor of the special effects. Although we lost 91 minutes of our lives, we feel partially compensated through the unexpected gift of a werewolf Slim Pickens.

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

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