VMAs: Miley Cyrus

First this.

So, Van Toffler was talking to his “peeps” the other day, and was all like “Why are we still doing a video awards show when we don’t show videos anymore? Shouldn’t YouTube be doing this?” and after much soul searching decided to scrap the whole deal and show an episode of Toddlers in Tiaras. Wait, I’m sorry, the nanobots have just informed us that that toddler and her father are actually Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke.

• 0:14 Miley emerges from teddy-bear alien spaceship. = +5pts
• 0:14 Miley does raunchy-sexy the way you would expect Rick Santorum to do raunchy-sexy. = -10pts
• 0:23 Miley strokes her invisible weave, just to drive the point home. = -5pts (Get some real weave, ho!)
• 0:27 Those pink teddy bears look stoned. = +4.20pts (See what we did there?)
• 0:37 The real travesty of this performance is that Miley does not have the body to pull off any of this. Twerking requires booty, Exhibit A. = -34pts
• 0:47 Oh look, even with giant stuffed bears on their backs, her backup dancers look less ridiculous. = +17pts (For the dancers being awesome.) -8pts (For Miley standing next to them.)
• 0:53 You know, Miley’s tongue is really clean. Mad oral hygiene props. = +3pts
• 1:06 There is a moment in Step Up 2: The Streets where a character says something along the lines of “take that Disney shit out of here”—this is how we feel about Miley’s attempt to get dirty right here. It’s like a parody of female sexuality. = -28pts
• 1:20 Oh, she’s going to be singing? (No points, just surprised.)
• 1:23 I think Drake is playing Angry Birds. = +3pts (At least someone is enjoying this.)
• 1:29 The odds flicks to her clit during her dancing is distracting. We can’t help but think, "Here is a woman who's never actually touched her vagina.” = -10pts
• 1:30 Aaaaand, that crotch shot confirms once and for all that Miley has never had an orgasm in her life. Let’s start a kickstarter and get her one of these. = -6.9 pts 
• 1:48 Miley is involved in a non-con encounter between her mouth and the ass of an innocent back-up dancer. = -50pts 
• 2:24 Miley’s backup dancers throw their bodies over the grenade that is her awful flailing scarecrow dance moves and humanely shield our eyes. = +10pts
• 2:31 Did MTV give OneDirection booster seats? Is Rihanna stoned and LOVING this? Yes and Yes. = +8pts
• 3:00 Another crotch grab? She might as well wear a sign that says “virgin, circa 1980.” = -3pts
• 3:08 Speaking of the 80s, Beetlejuice! = -18pts
• 3:16 Well, it makes sense you would need a finger that big if you don’t know where your clit is. = -7 pts (SEX POSITIVE FEMINISMS! Our Bodies Our Selves!)
• 3:28 Okay, who wouldn’t rub their crotch juice on Robin Thicke, if given the chance and some good whiskey? = +2pts
• 3:55 The twerk heard round the world. Let’s be honest, the only person who was titillated was Ted Haggard. = -24pts
• 4:06 And with that thrust Ted Haggard had an accident in his pants. = +5pts (For making Ted Haggard have “the feelings.”)
• 4:16 And that final stanky finger bite with faux-sex-kitten face is the embodiment of everything that was wrong with this performance. = -8pts

Total Points = -154.7pts

So, at this point Mika Brzezinski stopped watching because she had to go rage-masturbate on her Egyptian cotton sheets repeating “She’s such an AWFUL role model for young girls!” over and over and over and over. The rest of the world noticed that MTV doesn’t give awards to black people anymore and just uses them as props to give white performers an “edge” so when the media decided to slut-shame Miley and ignore the minstrel show MTV put on the air, we all decided to turn off the TV and do something more useful with our lives.

Score Technician: Maya Mackrandilal