Well, it’s that time during the run of an HBO show when everything happens, thus setting us all up for the episode after when we ask ourselves, “What are we going to watch now?/Is this what getting out of prison feels like?” We’ll let you determine which applies to this situation.
Editor’s Note: Clearly we have started a trend/identified a systemic problem. Either way, you are welcome America, because clearly True Blood has heard our complaints.
- Eric the Vampire: A handy-man in more ways than one. = +6pts
- Having your black vampire best friend’s mother’s pastor/lover perform the services at the funeral of your other friend’s racist in-laws, which, we’re pretty sure, translated from the French, means Louisiana. = -10pts
- I’ll see your manual castration and raise you one Drive-like stomp to the face. = +6pts
- You know what’s exciting? Watching a vampire rip a sadistic doctor’s twig and berries off with his bare hand. You know what isn’t exciting? Being forced to watch a funeral for a 3rd tier character, including accompanying maudlin flashbacks, when you weren’t that upset he died in the first place. We would have preferred to just send a card. = -5pts
- Eric instantly pulling someone’s contacts out with his bare hand. The best slight-of-hand we’ve seen since he used the same hand to rip off that doctor’s junk five minutes ago. What can’t you do, Eric? = +3pts
- Lafayette, the best fry twerker in all of Louisiana. = +2pts
- Nothing helps an emotionally traumatized former Iraq vet more than a drinking problem. Thanks, Andy and Sam! You're the best! = -3pts
- Meaningless cuts to Alicde during Sookie’s “it’s all about me” eulogy, reminding us, yet again, that he is, in fact, a meaningless character. = -5pts
- Hey, Big John, we haven’t seen you since you lazily walked away from your shot and bleeding friend and didn’t call 911. Glad you could spare a few minutes to sing a song. = -4pts (While there is nothing overtly racist about this scene. It still felt racist. You can't argue with the complexity of the nanobots algorithms.)
- "I really don't see what the point of all that was." It’s not often that a racist old white lady says exactly what we're all thinking. = A wash (Because she is racist.)
Season Score = +26pts
So, dong mutilation aside, this was a very anti-climactic penultimate episode from a show that used to have fun with this kind of stuff. Terry’s funeral would have been laughable if it wasn’t such a killjoy full of clichés and manufactured “moments.” When you have to make-up flashback for a character, chances are he wasn't that important of a character anyway. At least we occasionally got glimpses of (some) characters walking from one location to the other in an effort to complete a task, even if those tasks seemed like sad attempts to out walking dead The Walking Dead. Only one episode remains. What will happen? Will Sookie—Nope, fuck it, we’re not even going there. We’re (almost) done.
Score Technician: Sean McConnell