Thursday, August 22, 2013

True Blood Season 6, Episode 10

For two and a half months, Sean and I have formed a bond with the nanobots that few mortals and machines will ever comprehend. To make it through ten hours of pay-cable supernatural melodrama, we cried bitter tears, laughed to stave off madness, and whirred servos to keep the dust out of our vents. With the arduous process at an end, we present to you the final scorecard of this True Blood season. Praise be unto Billith!

  • Sookie does one thing right this season: the insinuation of sharing her golden fairy parts with Alcide has rendered all of the douchebaggery from him. = +6pts 
  • Alcide wearing a wig. = -5pts
  • Violet introduces herself to Sookie with a steamy liplock, as is badass medieval Catholic tradition. = +3pts
  • When Sookie rejects Warlow's offer to dance gaily around the maypole and requests that they just go steady, Warlow slaps Sookie right in her sass mouth. Nothing turns a face to a heel faster than maypole rejection. = +4pts
  • HBO blowing its entire season budget on casting couch vampire orgy. = -3pts
  • Vampires playing volleyball. = (In 1987, +10pts. In 2013, -14pts) -4pts
  • Bill, sensing that Sookie is in trouble, forms the Justice League of Bon Temps to rescue her from Warlow's clutches in Magical Fairy Happy-Happy Land. = +6pts 
  • Professor Takahashi's delightfully kawaii reaction to being glamoured and left in a forest with a fat stack of cash. = +7pts
  • When Bill's attempts at a half-assed Kumbaya fail to take the Justice League into Happy-Happy Land, Violet succeeds with horrifying scare tactics. = +3pts
  • Warlow vs. Bill! = +8pts
  • Warlow vs. everyone who isn't Bill. = -4pts
  • Rutger Hauer reappears from the Jizz Dimension just long enough to adhere to Warlow so that Jason can drive a stake through Handsome Ditch Vampire Fairy's handsome ditch chest. = +7pts (Deus ex jizz machina.)
  • Oh... so I guess that's all it took to kill Warlow. No spirit bomb hadoken, no epic stand-off...  just a combo attack between a jizzy old fairy king and his hypersexed beefcake grandson. = -20pts
  • It's a good thing that Warlow died at night so that the dissipation of his fairy blood magic didn't leave any nude sunbathing vampires stranded in the middle of the tundra with no means of escaping the light of day. Oh, wait... = -30pts
  • HBO pays homage to The Scorecard nanobots (and America) by giving us a glimpse of the only dong audiences have wanted to see for 6 seasons. = +30pts
  • Setting said dong on fire, thus cementing their obvious puritanical tendencies. = -35pts
  • Bill's tell-all book is called... sigh... And God Bled. = -2pts
  • Alcide not wearing a wig. = +10pts
  • Jason Stackhouse is such a sexual panther that he can complete a rousing session of cunnilingus without so much as a droplet of ladydew left on his lips. = +3pts
  • Using a church to give the townsfolk free hepatitis tests is just another Sunday afternoon in Louisiana. = +4pts
  • Why wouldn't Sam, who showed no political aspirations whatsoever across the past five seasons, give his bar to Arlene so that he can be elected Mayor of Bon Temps? = -7pts
  • If you're like us, watching the background church ladies refresh themselves with Christ's ever-watchful gaze imprinted on a hand fan made you want to go out and buy your very own. = +6pts
  • Fact: Jason loves corn on the cob so fucking much. = +3pts
  • Hippie Vampire's band sucks. = -4pts
  • In a misguided attempt at begging for forgiveness, Tara's mom strips out of an outfit that we're confident was previously worn by Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son and then begs Tara to feed from her. She screams, with arms outstretched, "Let me nourish my baby girl!" When Tara bites her, the proceeding squelching sound sums up how we felt about watching that scene. = -15pts
  • Season seven sneak peek: Attack of the zombie AIDs vampires! We're fucked. = -12pts

Total Score = -41pts
Season Score = -15pts

From the start, we knew that season six would be the worst one yet. When it wasn't boring, it was melodramatic. When it wasn't melodramatic, it was anticlimactic. When it wasn't any of the above, there wasn't any dong to spice things up. To top it all off, setting the tone of season seven as the start of a vampire apocalypse almost guarantees it to be like riding a rollercoaster with a bike seat jabbing you in the taint the entire time. Next summer, we'll be glad that we took our beta blockers. Deuces!

Score Technician: TJ Geise (Sean McConnell providing dong support.)

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