Thursday, August 8, 2013

True Blood Season 6, Episode 8

Episode eight of True Blood could have been entitled “Ten Pounds of Shit in a Five Pound Bag” and HBO still would have hyped it up to be the most provocative episode yet.
  • Eric sarcastically mocking Bill’s new Godlike powers while Bill levitates Eric around the room, thus attempting to use said powers in a desperate ploy to prove to himself that he is as cool as Eric. = +4pts (To Eric, for voicing what we are all thinking.) 
  • Bill and Eric’s catfight ends with a lot of butthurt, but not the kind to end their pent up man-tension. = -2pts 
  • Alcide proves that he is King of the Douchebags by beating not one, but three women. = -7pts 
  • Tara says “fuck” three times in the same sentence. Who in the fuck fucking talks like that anyway, for fuck’s sake? = -3pts 
  • Jason’s fantasy of being a prison bitch in an all-female penitentiary likely didn’t have room for a vampire who believes in “badass medieval times Catholicism.” = +4pts (Joe’s fantasy, however...) 
  • We get it Warlow. You loved Sookie for longer than Jesus loved the little children. This constant reminder doesn’t make you any more interesting. = -6pts 
  • What’s it like to get it on with a shifty-eyed psychiatrist? “Oozy, but productive.” = +3pts (Way to take one for the team, Pam!) 
  • Steve Newlin’s brand of “last kid picked for kickball” pathetic endearment works on Hippie Vampire and saves him from death by tainted blood. = +2pts 
  • Hippie vampire saving Steve Newlin. = -4pts 
  • If werewolves and shapeshifters can keenly sniff out a day-old fetus, shouldn’t Sam have smelled Nicole’s ovulation and just suited up? If the man can find a pair of pants in a swamp, he could have scrounged up a banana-flavored Durex. = -10pts 
  • It’s refreshing to see that Bill cares just as much about Sookie and Warlow as the audience (i.e., he couldn’t care less). = +5pts 
  • If we believed for a moment that the writers of the show were clever enough to make Steve Newlin a metafictional incarnation of the audience, this episode would be the time. Parallels can be drawn between his torment on the show and ours in watching, but nothing so black-and-white as him being tortured on a hamster wheel in one scene and shown violently weeping in the next. It’s like he feels our pain too well. Or maybe we’re just delusional from going on eight hours of a pay-cable vampire soap opera? = No points, just pointing it out. 
  • Since when is “silver fox” a term of derision? If anything, we feel that Nicole’s mom wants to get herself a mouthful of vanilla extract. = -3pts 
  • That Andy hasn’t shot Arlene by now shows his remarkable strength of character. Or that he’s a really bad shot.= +7pts 
  • Being angry with your dead parents for trying to kill you is a terrible reason to become a vampire fairy empress. = -8pts 
  • The catfight between Tru Blood “spokesbitch” Ms. Suzuki and Sarah Newlin is somewhere between “batshit insane” and “totally bananas.” = +25pts 
  • Sarah Newlin’s victory quote. = -15pts 
  • Eric showing his tenderness by expressing remorse at ripping away a teenage boy’s first non-Internet memory of boobies. = +3pts
Total Score = -5pts
Season Score = +36pts

Suzuki vs. Newlin aside, this episode is little more than filler until the big finale when Sookie hadokens her spirit bomb at whomever is revealed to be the big bad. Will it be Bill, Warlow, Frieza, Niall, Tara, M. Bison, or Sarah Newlin? A better question is, do we even care?

Score Technician: T. J. Geise

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