Tuesday, July 8, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 2

The nanobots are hot to prove that last week's lukewarm True Blood premier isn't indicative of the season as a whole. We technicians can practically hear their tiny, mechanical whirs saying, “There's still time for it to be good again!” Though it may just be our own wishful delusions, there's only one way to find out!
  • Jason's tense and passionate sex dream about Eric is four-and-a-half minutes of red hot fan-service. = +10pts
  • Waking up in church with a boner. = +3pts (We've all been there!)
  • Andy has more important things to worry about than the fact that Sookie didn't report her finding of a dead body in the woods to the authorities, like making sure that his fairy princess daughter isn't torn apart by the undead. = +2pts
  • Giving an AIDS zombie vampire a saucy English accent in a piss-poor attempt at giving their murder mob a much undesired personality. = -5pts
  • Further fleshing out the AIDS zombie vampire murder mob personality by having one of its ranks be the school teacher that made up for Arlene and Holly's shite parenting. = -8pts
  • Rather than be led by their supernatural senses of smell, a werewolf and a shapeshifter need a fairy to show them where a dead body is in the woods. = -7pts
  • Lafayette proves to still be the rose blooming amidst the blasted landscape that this show has become by not having time for Tara's mom's self-centered bullshit. = +6pts
  • The asshole who isn't mayor continues to lick the spoon after stirring the shit-pot that is Bon Temps' angry mob. = -10pts
  • It's a good thing that the Fangtasia basement/blood-larder suddenly received an influx of nameless characters, otherwise Arlene and Holly would have used Jane Boathouse as leverage to get their schoolteacher vampire zombie friend to grant them their freedom. = -8pts (Editor's note: It's Jane Bodehouse.) (Technician's note: Boathouse sounds better, so deal with it.)
  • Lacking people but flush with end of days graffiti, St. Alice seems like Silent Hill, Junior. = +4pts
  • Using soul sister stand-up-to-the-Man bonding as a means to chip away at the rationale of a police officer and recruit her to your frothing mob. = -10pts
  • When humanity is being threatened by AIDS zombie vampires, there's no better way to prepare than by needlessly wasting ammo. = -6pts
  • Pizza forensics. = +8pts
  • As if to further complete the Silent Hill vibe, Sookie obtains quest information by reading aloud from a dead lady's diary. = +3pts
  • We get it, ridiculously long flash back – Sookie used to be hot and soppy for Vampire Bill. Who cares. When is Alcide going to take his damned shirt off already? = -7pts
  • Freddy Kruegering your hand in chicken grease as a means to get high on vampire blood. = -5pts
  • Tara's mom getting knocked across the room, regardless of context. = +4pts
  • The nanobots are picking up subtle hints of symbolism from a tongues-speaking Tara nailed to a cross with a snake draped over her shoulders. = -13pts
  • Just as the school teacher vampire gains the strength needed to set free her only means of sustenance, she blarts into vampire butter all over Arlene's inner thighs. = -6pts (it's not as hot as it sounds)
  • Alcide earns 20 compassionate boyfriend points and rewards himself with a steamy shower. Meanwhile, Sookie skips out to ask Bill if his vampire sense will still tingle should she be about to catch the wrong end of a murdering. = +12pts
  • Eric's first non-dream appearance and he's already showing off his hot pecs. = +5pts
  • Too bad his hot pecs are covered in vampire zombie AIDS. What you hear now is the sound of True Blood putting a shotgun into its mouth and readying the trigger. = -25pts
Total Score = -77pts
Season Score = -60pts

Though the second episode of the season has the hot man-on-man fight-sex we've all been waiting for, it didn't make up for the glut of pointless character development and time spent without Alcide's shirt off. With Eric's fate sealed, there's no hope for the show ending gracefully. Only eight more episodes to go before this crazy train runs off the rails for good. Stick with us for the ride, scorehards!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

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