Sunday, July 13, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 3

In an episode titled "Fire in the Hole," you wouldn't have been the only person who initially thought that this would be an episode about Jason Stackhouse's fetid junk. Unfortunately, it's just another week of taking out the trash in Bon Temps.

  • Getting called out by your yoga instructor for looking at a woman's butt during downward dog. = -4pts
  • "My penis got burned off in the Swiss Alps and all I got was this case of vamp AIDS." -2pts
  • Hating the Russians before Rocky told us it was cool. = +4pts
  • Eric wearing a terrible 80's wig...or Mel Gibson's scalp from Lethal Weapon. = 0pts (Till we can confirm...)
  • Not bothering to fake drive your fake car during a fake driving scene. = -2pts
  • Vamp gossip queen. = +2pts
  • Iron-forged cock. = +8pts
  • Saying you "love" Alcide when he's not around to glamour you with his shirtless body. -2pts (For straining credulity.)
  • Maxine Fortenberry meets the true death. = +10pts (Finally.)
  • Six Flags is closed?! (Technician rushes to PC to verify.) = -6pts (For LYING!!)
  • Nothing like a flashback to Bill's civil war life to remind us how boring his life was. = -1pts
  • Old-timey-Fortenberry is a much better shot than old-saggy-Fortenberry. = +2pts
  • Leave it to Sookie to risk everyone's lives by taking some time to make the vampAIDpocalypse all about her. = -3pts
  • You can tell how interested a vamp is in your story by how long they pretend to feed on you in an effort to illustrate how little they care. = -1pts
  • Lafayette death fake-out. -10pts (Never do that again!)
  • Now that Hoyt's mother is dead, it's good to see Sarah Newlin hate is still good enough to get Eric to check-out of chez mope. +3pts
  • Creating a stereotypical Indian guru that can go toe-to-toe with Mike Myers' Love Guru. = -5pts
  • Killing Alcide, the greatest mercy-dog-killing since Old Yeller. = +6pts
  • Dying, but falling strategically to cover your man-bits. = -6pts
  • Shooting a gun blindly into the trees. = -2pts
  • Doing so if you are a vampire. = -4pts
Total Score = -13pts
Season Score = -73pts

Three episodes of everyone running around with their head's cut off, all because Sookie threw a tantrum and threw her phone into the woods. It's amazing that an episode featuring the deaths of two of the most superficial characters on the show could feel so uneventful. But what can we say? It's True Blood

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

1 comment:

  1. I've finally gotten over the lame-ass annoyingness of season 5 and am watching again. My impressions so far: Season 6 - much more entertaining and satisfying as long as you don't ask any logical questions (but I guess that's true of the whole series). Season 7 - everyone you like will die, with a few annoying characters (Tara, Hoyt's mom) thrown in to keep you from getting too pissed off.