Thursday, June 26, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 1

Despite lending my editorial expertise to the Scorecard's coverage of True Blood Season 6 (and let me tell you, it's been considerable; Sean's Scorecards are basically just a series of crayon drawings of human genitalia scrawled on the backs of torn comic book pages), I have never actually seen a single episode of the show myself. In the spirit of true scientific impartiality, the other editors have called upon me to act as the control for this final experiment in True Blood scoreology. Therefore, you can look forward to me contributing to the regular rotation for the next ten weeks or so.

To maintain absolute objectivity, we've laid down some ground rules:
  1. I will not reference any outside material for character names or history while viewing. 
  2. I will ONLY watch the episodes that I am scoring. 
With that disclaimer out of the way, let's get to it.
  • Things that ruin picnics: ants, rain, vampires, bros playing hacky sack (in ascending order). = +2pts 
  • When you kill a vampire, they explode into a puddle of blood. = +10pts 
  • The black vampire girl gets killed, presumably because the ratio of black to white characters had gotten too high. = -12pts 
  • The grumpy bald man tells his daughter not to invite the ginger porch vampire inside, which is a good move because if you let an outdoor vamp in the house, they'll just pee all over everything. = +4pts 
  • Looks like Rogue has absorbed Professor X's powers and can hear all the horrible things everyone thinks about her. = +3pts 
  • A strategically placed blind slat covers up Mayor Weredog's penis. = -9pts 
  • Looks like Mayor Weredog hasn't come out of the lycanthrope closet yet. = -6pts 
  • Vampire buddy system: because the key to surviving a plague of vampire AIDS zombies is the same system you used to go to the bathroom on field trips when you were in 2nd grade. = -7pts 
  • Never mind the fact that you're in the middle of the woods alone at night during the vampire apocalypse, throwing your phone away because you don't want to answer it is just a dumb thing to do. = -5pts 
  • “I've survived 27 times.” - Some Guy Who Doesn't Understand How Russian Roulette Works = +9pts 
  • “Armageddon-like situation.” = +3pts 
  • Holy shit, Cinemax late-night called and said your sex scene between the sheriff and his vampire buddy was too cheesy. = -14pts 
  • The minister kindly offers his vampire buddy a place to sleep in what looks like an abandoned tool shed. Don't they have a couch she can crash on? = -4pts 
  • Grumpy Bald Man talks down a kid with a shotgun. = +10pts 
  • Industrial club/charnel house. = +16pts 
  • The porch vampire gets invited in. Say goodbye to all your furniture. = -4pts 
  • My summary of Rogue's speech to the congregation: “My extensive sexual knowledge of vampires is all that can save us.” = +11pts 
  • Tom Waits in the credits! = +10pts
Total Score = +17pts

Well, there goes my True Blood cherry. The porch vampire standoff was kind of cool, but otherwise kind of snoozy for a premier. Here's hoping that Rogue's prodigious carnal history with vampires will be enough to halt the advance of vampire AIDs.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

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