Thursday, July 24, 2014

True Blood Season 7, Episode 5

After last week's True Blood wrapped up the major plot point of the season, what's left for Sookie and the gang? A party, that's what! Let the nanobots guide you through the labyrinth of dreck that was last Sunday's episode!
  • When Eric refuses Ginger's advances because he's diseased, it's unclear if Ginger's response that she’s “diseased” too meant her mind, body, or both. = -3pts
  • Sookie wakes up to find that Lafayette, the Hippie Vampire, and the T-1000 are throwing her a “motherfucking celebration of life” to help her get over her boyfriend's death. = +4pts
  • Did we mention that the entire town is invited? = -8pts
  • Sarah Newlin's vampire sister enjoys wearing tube tops that show off her VampAIDS track marks, watching home makeover shows, and plotting sororicide. = +5pts
  • Slipping Benadryl into a holy man's spaghetti so that you can get high unopposed. = -7pts
  • Bill has a flashback about being a Yankee sympathizer in hopes that the audience will forget that the whole Bilith thing ever happened. = -4pts (We'll never forget!)
  • Sounding genuinely excited about there being two kinds of chicken at the party. =+3pts
  • Getting shot in the head by a hillbilly is only considered a hero's death if you were naked at the time. = +4pts
  • Not content to suck blood alone, Violet sucks all romance out of Gran's wedding ring. = -2pts
  • Andy's proposal to Holly is as bumbling and endearing as Andy himself. = +10pts
  • The T-1000 eavesdrops on Sookie and Arlene's girl talk for reasons unrevealed in this episode. He was probably just lonely and sad because his son died a hero's death. = -2pts
  • Arlene announces to the vampire who saved her life that she has to tinkle because she's a human. After seven seasons, Arlene finally says something entertaining.= +4pts
  • Jessica, upon finding her Hippie Vampire boyfriend making backseat manlove to Lafayette, shouts, “You incredible asshole!” Lafayette was thinking the very same thing. = +4pts
  • The nanobots have yet to determine what is sassier – Lafayette defending his decision to cheat with Hippie Vampire or that he did so wearing feather earrings and solid gold sneakers. = +7pts
  • After basking in the mental kudos from the random people at her party, Sookie drunkenly interrupts Bill's daydream about the time he helped slaves escape through the Underground Railroad. = -4pts for Sookie's ego and -5pts for Bill's. Total = -9pts
  • After Lettie May stabs Willa with a butcher knife to get a fix of that sweet, sweet vampire blood, Sam's pregnant girlfriend (you know, Michelle Tanner's friend from Full House )    hangs a lampshade on how insane this episode is and then leaves the room. = -7pts
  • In case you forgot that Eric and Pam pursued Sarah to Texas, Eric sports a cowboy hat and bolo tie to the Ted Cruz gala in the George W. Bush library. = -10pts
  • Sarah Newlin's failed attempts to summon Laura Bush to protect her from the Yakuza (or as she calls them, Yookoozah). = -4pts
  • “I'm not a monster – I'm a Buddhist!” = -8pts
  • Despite being the sex-type-thing for a badass medieval Catholic vampire, Jason still has loud rebound sex with Jessica. Is it possible for the man to take a compliment from a woman without popping a boner? = -6pts
  • The Yookoozah start murdering everyone like they were about to reload their GTA5 save file. = -4pts
  • Rather than spend the one second it would have taken to snap Sarah's neck, Eric casts her aside to enact revenge against the Yookoozah. = -4pts
  • But he rips out the head Yakuza guy's entire mouth.= +8pts
  • Bill's final pointless flashback gives him VampAIDS. Is this show done yet? = -10pts
Total Score = -39pts
Season Score = -99pts

Yep... that happened. Sookie is forced to host a party for the entire town because people are dead and parties make people forget about that. What a completely normal thing to do! On top of the pointless party where relationships are forged, broken, and then reforged, we're forced to watch not one but three flashbacks about how great Bill was back when he was a person so that you'll feel bad for him when he for some reason contracts vampire zombie AIDS. We'd have more to say, but reading the nanobots notes is just putting us to sleep.

Score Technician: TJ Geise

No comments:

Post a Comment