Well, here's the moment you've been both anticipating and dreading: the last Game of Thrones episode of the season. With so many irons in the fire, can every storyline come to a satisfactory conclusion in the span of an hour? We'll find out once the nanobots from this year's final delve into Westeros!
- Jon Snow handles his liquor as well as he handles his relationships with women, which is to say poorly and jackassily. = -3pts
- After harnessing the Red Priestess's magic to summon from time and space the Riders of Rohan, Stannis the Mannis gives zero fucks about rendering an entire subplot moot. = +7pts
- Coming next season – The Frankenstein That Rides. = +10pts
- Cersei gives Tywin an unexpected Father's Day gift moments before giving another (somewhat relevant) gift to Jaime. = +9pts
- What do freed slaves begging to return to slavery, anguished dragons, and an overcooked toddler have in common? They're all things that Daenerys can't cry on Jorah's shoulder about. = -7pts
- As if to set ablaze the rumors that Season 5 would feature a Warm Bodies-inspired romantic subplot, Jon Snow lights his lost love's funeral pyre. = -5pts
- Hodor has a very Moe Howard reaction to an encounter with skeletons, first like this and then like this. = +11pts
- Crafting a better skeleton battle than both The 7th Voyage of Sinbad and Army of Darkness combined. = +13pts
- Also coming next season – The Further Adventures of Tree Wizard and Explosionymph. = -4pts
- For having one of the best fight scenes in the show make this score technician shout at the TV repeated combinations of the words, “No! Stop! Be friends!” = -6pts
- The Hound says, “When you've got a fucking sword in your face, fuck your hands and grab the fucking blade. While your opponent is wondering what the fuck just happened, punch them right in the fucking face.” = +9pts
- When a sword fight becomes a savage brawl, no genital goes unclobbered. = +3pts
- Arya beats Stannis for the Westerosi record of fucks not given in a single instance. = -8pts (minus one point for each negative fuck)
- Tyrion's tender apology for giving Shae a Reverse Leia Slavegirl. = +8pts
- Not to be outdone by his sister, Tyrion gives Tywin two unexpected Father's Day gifts. = +18pts
Season Score: +362pts
Though the season finale has come under some fire by book purists because of the liberties taken with its storytelling, it was still satisfying. Characters reviled and revered were tossed into the jaws of death while old storylines closed in time for new ones to open. No cliffhangers, no hokey draws to make you antsy in your pantsy for another year, just fantastic storytelling. As Arya traded her magical Showbiz Pizza token for a boat ride, so does Game of Thrones set sail for a new world of adventure (after waiting like a year... jeez, boats are slow!).
Score Technician: TJ Geise
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