After a week's hiatus, the moment we've all been waiting for is here: the verdict of Tyrion Lannister. Time to drown this episode in nanobots!
- Belching time-honored songs, being quick with pithy cock jokes, and an unreasonably nasty disposition regarding babies just so happen to be the top three qualities this technician looks for in a whore. = +10pts
- Making a “Burn our corpses so that we don't come back as zombies” pact with your bros. = +8pts
- That awkward moment when a eunuch stares at a naked woman a little too long. = -4pts
- No one does a rack of ribs like Theon and Ramsay. = +6pts
- After isolating all other sounds from the scene, the nanobots confirmed that yes, you can actually hear Lord Baelish's arousal at witnessing Sansa lie like a cheap watch. = +5pts
- We were really hoping that Littlefinger would save his joke about Robin leaving the nest for when he inevitably pushes the little creep through the Moon Door. = -2pts
- Ser Jorah is exiled from the friend zone in a manner he didn't quite expect. Nothing backs up a restraining order quite like a trio of dragons. = +7pts
- Erupting into giggle-fits upon the news that your crazy-ass auntie's death deprived your burly protector of his ransom. = +10pts
- Whew, and we thought we were the only ones who turned jokes at the expense of our mentally challenged cousin into long, disturbing stories about stalking him to gain insight into intellectual disability. = +3pts
- Jaime gives us our new favorite saying: “Who gives a dusty fuck?” = +11pts
- Tywin's use of the Westerosi Wrap It Up Box on Maester Pycelle. = + 8pts
- For the first time on camera, Oberyn dazzles a fully-clothed audience with his adroit spear-shaft handling. = +7pts
- Hell-bent for leather and screaming for vengeance, Oberyn rams the painkiller down into its point of entry: The Mountain's jugulator. = +40pts
- The nanobots had to have their memories of this episode' s final moments wiped to stop their keening, so we're going to fill this spot with our own reactions:
- Okay, Oberyn, stop ranting. = -4pts
- Dude, calm down... you won. Seriously, just finish him off . = -8 pts
- Oberyn, what the fuck are you doing, man? Don't get so close to him! = -16 pts
- Did he just get all of his teeth punched out? Wait, now what's happen– no... not in his... oh- shit-oh-fuck-oh-god-OH-NOOOOO!!! WHY, GEORGE R. R. MARTI N, WHY!? = -24pts
Episode Score: +57pts
Season Score: +306pts
It's a running joke that Game of Thrones fans are psychologically traumatized by the deaths of their beloved characters. Fans jeer at this by saying things like, “ Oh, that guy they killed wasn't that cool,” or “At least that other guy I like is still live” or, perhaps most famously, “They spoiled Ned Stark's death the moment they cast Sean Bean in the role.” We here at The Progressive Cinema Scorecard are among those fans. We keep that tug at the back of our minds saying, “Save yourself the misery and don't get too attached to this character because (s)he's probably gonna die.”
In his short time on the show, Oberyn charmed us with his scoundrel's taste for hot sex with anything alive and won our hearts with his righteous fury against t he Lannisters. He was funny, he was handsome, and he was going to save Tyion. There was never any reason to believe that he'd lose. The fact that Tyrion and Jaime joke about him losing the fight just seemed like a device to get us more excited about his inevitable win.
It was because of this that Oberyn's death left us thunder struck. It wasn't telegraphed like the many, many characters before him. Ned Stark's death had episodes of build up, the Red Wedding was foreshadowed up and down, and even dance master Syrio Forel's death was inevitable given that he refused to fight with an actual sword. All the warning we got came from Tyrion's special cousin story along with half-jokes about how Oberyn shouldn't be getting soused and go into the fight without armor.
For Oberyn to be killed so gruesomely (the screaming...sweet heavens, the screaming...) wasn't just a shock; it just wasn't fair. It's like if Count Rugen threw his dagger into Inigo Montoya's eye so hard that it blew out the back of his skull.
Oh, well. At least The Red Viper and The Mountain That Rides are BFFs in real life.