Thursday, June 12, 2014

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 9

So, a quick recap.Yeah, totally worth it...

Like Scientology (roughly) says: "One must repeat the trauma in order to shrink it so that it may fit atop a kale salad with almonds and a shot of wheat grass, and through ingestion, purify the body Theton."

Do you feel better now? Weiss & Benioff (W&B), sensing that viewers may still be traumatized by the events in King's Landing, set out for a trip north. Or, what people in the Midwest call, "Going to Wisconsin."

So what does the Wisconsin of Westeros feel like? Let's ask the nanobots.
  • Like the Bible, the oath of the Night's Watch also has quite a few loopholes when it comes to boning. = +8pts
  • Fireside chat with giant cannibals is about as stimulating as you'd expect. = -2pts
  • Nothing says "we needed to save as much money as possible on this horrifically expensive episode" quite like having the survivor of a massacre wander unnoticed into the shot on top of a hill, directly past the massacre(ers) with her crying baby. = -2pts
  • Normally when an old person talks this long about love there's generally a loud explosion, followed by a scene of McBain whupping ass. = +3pts
  • Apparently "setting the largest fire the world has ever seen" is the America's equivalent of "preparing for the World Cup." = -5pts (Environmentalisms, yo!)
  • Sam promises he won't die right around the time McBain finishes perusing his massive gun cabinet. = +5pts
  • Computer animated giants that look suspiciously like actual human giant Greg Oden. = +7pts
  • Ygritte with a bow and arrow. = +10pts
  • Ser Alliser doing something that doesn't suck or involve a wet blanket. = +3pts
  • Computer giant Greg Odens are better at hitting their shots than human giant Greg Oden. = +4pts
  • It's not a real battle without at least one scene of someone in authority cowering in the corner. = -2pts (Joffrey sees you with his stone pebble eyes, Janos Slynt! One hopes you have no siblings left to rape each other over your cold dead body. This is Westeros after all. )
  • At last we have empirical proof that a real arrow through the throat is worse than a wire arrow worn on top of a head. Where was this "fact" in Cosmos, deGrasse Tyson? You're welcome, science! = +15pts
  • Giant running after his burning mammoth. The Westros equivalent of running after your car because you forgot to put on the parking brake. = +13pts (+1pt, for each level of hilarity.)
  • Giant in the Tunnel. Try it at your next party! = +7pts
  • McBain Snow touches ground just in time to ensure a sequel. = +10pts
  • Dire-Wolf Face Eating II: More Eyeballs. = +10pts (For being a sequel that doesn't suck.)
  • GOT answers that age old question: "What came first for the hammer? The nail, or the head?" = +3pts
  • My name is Olly (ex Machina), you killed my parents and let the canniblas eat them in a stew. Prepare to die. = +7pts (Quick! Somebody get that kid a metal helmet and faceplate!)
  • We at The PCS think that screaming at the sight of a giant ice-scythe barreling toward you is a bit of an under-reaction. = +13pts
  • If hockey has taught us anything, it's that nothing says sportsmanship quite like skating to center-ice and shaking hands with the army of cannibals/giants/mammoths/wildings you just beat in overtime. Who knew that "Westros" would also translate to "Sportsmanship" in American? = -4pts
Episode Score:  +103pts
Season Score: +409pts

At this point, we should heap even more praise onto W&B. In a single episode, they took what many feel has been the weakest part of the show and thrust it into the foreground. After this episode, it's not hard to see the squabbling in King's Landing as petty and insignificant. What is happening north is what really matters. It's where the real danger is. Mance Rayder is in all likelihood not some martyr in the struggle for the Caucasian looking igloo people, but a man who has the ability to unite people against something really bad. And in Westros, really bad is really, REALLY bad.

It's your serve King's Landing.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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