Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 4

With Daenerys on the cusp of adding more freed slaves to her army, will her dongless companions be jealous? Will Tyrion get out of jail? Will the Onion Knight level up his reading enough to take on The Little Mountain That Could (Decapitate a Horse)? Let's find out!

  • While we admire Daenerys for being the Baberaham Lincoln of Essos, we'd really like to see more guys get burned alive in dragonfire. = +3pts 
  • The only thing more calming than the tormented screams of crucified slavers would be the tormented screams of crucified slavers burning alive in dragonfire. = +5pts (Where are her dragons?)
  • Getting pimp slapped with your own solid gold hand. = +8pts 
  • Swapping prison stories is all fun and games until you drop the, “I had to sit in my own poop for weeks” card. Not cool, bro. = -3pts 
  • With Lord Baelish marrying Sansa's aunt, the nanobots really should have more Uncle Littlefinger jokes at the ready. = -2pts 
  • Talking shit about a pretty garden. = -4pts 
  • On the next Real Housewives of House Tyrell, Lady Olenna confesses to seduction, adultery, and regicide. = +10 pts 
  • Tommen must really be regretting his rubbing one out before bedtime. = -3pts 
  • Naming your cat “Ser Pounce.” = +9pts 
  • Sending your brawny girlfriend and your brother's doofy sex-tiger on a quest to protect the girl that your fuck-sister explicitly asked you to murder. = +14pts (It's Adventure Time!) 
  • Watching the Dr. Gottlieb from Pacific Rim drink wine from Lord Commander Mormont's skull while all around him men sworn to chastity rape inbred Wildlings. = -12pts 
  • A good leader is known for his ability to make his subordinates dispose of ugly babies. = -5pts 
  • Being mean to Hodor. = -20pts 
  • Why is Liam Neeson's stepson from Love Actually so sweaty? Oh... = -4pts 
  • Hey there, Mr. Ice Demon! Whatcha gonna do with that ugly baby? Oh... = -6pts
Episode Score -10pts
Season Score +161pts

This episode saw a lot of wheels turning and hints at excitement, but ultimately fell a bit flat. Plus, they hurt Hodor! Even so, we're really excited to watch The Adventures of Lady Manhands and Fuck Weasel. Gosh, we hope that there will be a cross-over with Captain Burnface and Lad Lass!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

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