With this week turning attention to the main attraction that is Tyrion's trial, we can only hope that things are handled as badassedly as the subplots were last week. At the very least, we can expect a significant drop in revenge crucifixions.
- It's good to know that even the Iron Bank of Braavos will deny loans to those whose only asset is, “Fuck you, I'm king!” = +8pts
- Davos use of Fingerless Defense is super effective! = +3pts
- Nothing pulls the wind from the sails of a pirate's hard-on faster than having a hot tub full of naked girls ruin the Brown Pants punchline. = -4pts
- Yara Greyjoy didn't react to a dick in a box as favorably as The Lonely Island would have you believe. = -2pts
- Being so loyal to your insane kidnapper that you'd rather cower in a kennel cage than taste the sweet succulence of freedom. = -5pts
- Cosmo is right: strangling your man during coitus will give him the vigor needed to charge shirtless into a phalanx of armored guards. = +12pts
- The following scene is not from Game of Thrones slash fiction: “Do you love me?” Ramsay asks Reek as he gingerly bathes the eunuch's twitching shoulders. = -6pts
- Rather than find a way to keep her dragons fed, Daenerys finds it easier to mend despondent goatherds' broken hearts with cold, hard cash. = +3pts
- What's the difference between Hizdahr zo Loraq's dad and a picture of Hizdahr zo Loraq's dad? It only took one nail to hang up the picture! Get it? Wait, why are you closing the web browser? Come back! Damn it... we knew it was a bad idea to make crucifixion jokes. = -20pts
- Does no one pay attention to the Small Council meetings? How many times must Lord Droopy Tyrell say it – he's the goddamn is Master of Ships! Discussion over! = +2pts
- We're not sure how much 100 silver coins is worth in Westeros, but it doesn't seem like high enough of a bounty for The Hound considering that he CUT A GUY IN HALF. TWICE. = -4pts for insulting The Hound, +8pts for reminding us how awesome he is. Total score = +4pts
- “Also, she has fabulous hair,” was The Spider's unspoken line regarding the greatness of Daenerys. = +6pts
- Oberyn Martell's embarrassing gaydar malfunction. = -2pts
- Not throwing out Maester Pycelle's testimony for saying that Joffrey was the most noble boy in Westeros. = -3pts
- Et tu, Varys? = -6pts
- After coolly revealing his insidiously crafted master plan, Tywin smugly basks in the glory as he is crowned High King of the Douchebags. = +30pts
- Boy... Shae's testimony escalated quickly. = -15pts
- The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series goes to Peter Dinklage for delivering the most vitriolic verbal equivalent of a middle finger in television history. =+50pts
Season Score: = +256pts
We know what you're thinking. “Crap in a hat! This season of Game of Thrones is so, so good! When can I make love to George R. R. Martin and birth his little beardy babies?” Yes, it's good, and no, you (probably) can't have his babies. But think about what the hell Tyrion just said. Who do you think will be his first choice as trial by combat stand-in? Jaime “Some Prick Chopped Off My Hand” Lannister.
And who does Tywin Lannister always go to when he needs someone's face bashed in? The Mountain ”I Decapitated A Fucking Horse” Clegane.
Despite the Internet digging their claws into Jaime for savagely (spoiler redacted) his grieving (spoiler redacted) in front of their dead (spoiler redacted), Jaime has come a long way since his kid-crippling, eye-gouging days. We begrudgingly fell in love with the Kingslayer after he bonded with Brienne and saved her from being mauled by a bear. Since his return to Westeros, he's kept his word to protect Sansa and has been the only Lannister in Tyrion's corner. Now, he's almost certainly going to get his head punched off by an armored sociopath. LOL Game of Thrones!
Score Technician: TJ Geise