American Horror Story: Coven has shown us two things: witches are awesome and the character Zoe should not be allowed to make decisions. The newest episode proves both!
- Tonight’s episode is called The Axeman Cometh, but the subtitle very well could have been “Confessions of a Fell Demon from the Hottest Hells.” = +4pts
- New Orleans has a long and proud history of playing jazz music to ward off axe murders. = +6pts
- A better subtitle has surfaced: “The Operatic Stabbing of a Fell Demon from the Hottest Hells.” +5pts
- Getting buzzed on absinthe leads to freeing evil spirits with an Ouija board like getting buzzed on PBR leads to making out with a twenty-something sporting a handlebar mustache. = -4pts
- It’s a good thing that chemotherapy only unlocks telepathic powers exclusively in witches, otherwise we’d see a lot of Professor Xaviers wheeling about. = -3pts
- Despite being caught cheating in flagrante delicto, beardy murder-husband demonstrates his chutzpah by denying what Cordelia witnessed in The Dead Zone. = +4pts (What balls!)
- We were saving a Riff Raff reference for Spalding since his first appearance, but then Queenie goes and steals our thunder. = +3pts (We can’t give such a good burn a negative score, hurt feelings or not)
- FrankenKyle pops his bolts at the thought of having his Frankenberries touched and does the unthinkable – he breaks Stevie. = -5pts
- The third and final subtitle: Beardy’s Betrayal. = -4pts
- Watching the immolation of a jerkwad. +=6pts
- Madison’s first words upon returning to the land of the living. = +4pts
- There’s no better time to cut to scenes of a ghostly axe murderer menacing a blind woman than immediately after someone recently-vivified states that there is no life after death. = +7pts
Season Score: +129pts
Though most shows would falter with the addition of new characters mid-season, American Horror Story thrives on the new. New characters, new revelations, and new twists are what make the show so unpredictably charming. We’re certainly looking forward to seeing more of the Axeman and his love of murder and jazz. Coincidentally, look for Minotaur Sex Gouges newest album Murder Jazz wherever fine records are sold.
Score Technician: TJ Geise