Monday, November 11, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 5

After last week’s Night of the Living Dead cliffhanger, the Real Witches of Orleans Parish stop squabbling long enough to team up against your typical band of racist zombies. Good times!

  • Anytime Kathy Bates invites you to see her "Chamber of Horrors," say no. = +7pts
  • Nothing says “Chamber of Horrors” like the covered containers of eyeballs/intestines/chunks of abused slaves! = -10pts (No, seriously, nothing says horror like that does…)
  • Anytime your sisters ask you to help kill your mother, and your mother is Kathy Bates, say no. = +5pts
  • We may not be kids anymore, but dammit if an image of annoying teenagers being eviscerated by zombies doesn't put a smile on our faces. = +3pts
  • Watching doctors in a hospital rushing to respond to an emergency—an emergency that’s apparently unrelated to the obvious mental patient jailbreak, seeing as how the doctors run right past the crazies. = -2pts
  • Forcing a distraught mother to hold her purple/dead stillborn and berating her into promising to love it/mother it until it (ahem) dies. = -6pts
  • Resurrecting said baby! = +20pts (Suck it, David Blaine!)
  • Cutting your own throat in an effort to kill an approaching zombie. = +2pts
  • New Orleans Chainsaw Massacre: Reconstruction. = +5pts
  • Nothing gets the smell of dead teen out of your doll-cave quite like a can of…nothing. Really, nothing gets the smell of dead teen out of your doll cave. = +4pts

Total Score: +28pts
Season Score:  +106pts

American Horror Story: Coven continues to make its claim as the most progressive horror show/mini-series/movie ever made. That being said, the nanobots took a long time calculating the progressiveness of Kathy Bates’ chamber of horrors. Ultimately, the thick soup of “irony” that underscore Madame Delphine LaLaurie’s realization that she was a horrible mother brought the score into the positive. Still, it’s one thing for the show to ask you to feel sympathy for a character’s realization that she could have done things differently. It’s another thing when the show takes the audience on a tour of Madame Delphine LaLaurie’s basement and introduces us to all the ways in which she’s gleefully dismembered her slaves for a good laugh. That’s a mighty thin line, Ryan Murphy. Mighty thin…

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

No comments:

Post a Comment