Thursday, June 27, 2013

True Blood Season 6, Episode 2

Like a burn victim removing his bandages for the first time, the second episode of True Blood’s sixth season peels back its plot to reveal a hideous, scarred mess of something that was once alive and vibrant. To fill you in on the plot thus far, Bill is Vampire Jesus, ‘Merica is at war with the supernatural, and a bunch of other stupid crap – we’ll let the nanobots fill you in on the rest. There are spoilers, if you really care about the “plot.”
  • Rob Zombie’s cameo as the vampire who mantis claws his way in from another dimension. = +3pts 
  • Rutger Hauer reveals himself to be Niall, Sookie and Jason’s “fairy grandfather.” This means no cheesy reprisal of Lothos from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. = -7pts 
  • Fairy Grandpa Rutger Hauer admits to peeping in on Jason his whole life, commenting on his stash of “juicy porn.” = -4pts (For creeping us out with the imagery of an invisible Rutger Hauer watching Jason’s sexploits.) 
  • When the magic bullet that downed Tara proves to be too hurty for Eric to yank out with his fingers, he instead gouges it out with a broken beer bottle. = +12pts 
  • When Bill sinks into catatonia from his Civil War-era brain being overloaded by the pain of every vampire ever, he imagines himself wearing a purple sweater. = +2pts (For having immaculate fashion sense even in Imagination Land.) 
  • Lilith is also in Imagination Land, wearing a gown so sheer that we can see her downy fluff. = +3pts 
  • Arlene consoles Patrick’s widow by saying, “Life’s a shit sandwich sometimes,” after lying about her husband being murdered by a vengeful fire genie. = -6pts 
  • After missing most of her shift at Merlotte’s, Sookie is so hell-bent to get to work that she nearly leaves a wounded man in a ditch. = +4pts (If only all employees had such dedication.) 
  • Oh, he’s another goddamn fairy? Why is she taking him home?! Leave him in the ditch! = -8pts 
  • We’re not sure if Lafayette was playing dress-up with Emma or just showing off his wardrobe. Either way, it’s fabulous! Why isn’t Lafayette Sookie’s fairy grandfather?= +10pts 
  • Yet another character introduction – Nicole, an obnoxious pro-vampire activist who pulls the race card faster than [racist comments redacted] in order to guilt Sam about hiding his shifterism. -4pts 
  • In Bill’s brain-space, Lilith single-handedly invalidates all non-Judeo-Christian religions by confirming that there is no god but God. Tough luck, Thor! = -6pts 
  • Bill, while comatose, turns the nast-whore from Human Edibles into a meat puppet and sucks her blood out in a Legacy of Kain-inspired stream. = (+5pts for the meat puppet, -5 pts for the blood stream.) Total = +0pts 
  • Proving that Bill isn’t the only character to develop super powers when the plot calls for them, Sookie lays hands on the handsome and mysterious ditch fairy and heals his wounds. = +2pts 
  • Ben , the handsome ditch fairy , garners Sookie’s whorish glances with his ruggedness . At this point, we’re pretty sure that Sookie would make whorish glances at a rock with stubble painted on it. = +3pts 
  • Andy Bellefleur shows up just long enough to say, “I don’t know shit about baby fairies!” = +6pts (See you next week, Andy!) 
  • Fairy Grandpa Rutger Hauer dives into Warlo’s evil dimension and comes out dripping wet. Given that he appears in the next scene toweling himself off, we’re safe in calling it the Jizz Dimension. = -5pts 
  • Pam’s Pepto-Bismol pink track suit. = -4pts 
  • Eric proves himself a master of disguise by masquerading as a nerdy wildlife conservationist in order to glamour the hillbilly Governor. = +7pts 
  • Hillbilly Governor reveals that the government has glamour-proof contact lenses and, despite just having revealed his secret weapon, calls himself a genius. = -9pts 
  • “What the fuck are we eating spaghetti for!?” Jason exclaims upon hearing the news of Warlo’s escape. Clearly, when his dick is not involved, Jason Stackhouse confuses easily. = +5pts 
  • Fairy Grandpa Rutger Hauer shows Sookie how to make a magic fairy supernova bomb guaranteed to kill any vampire. We hope that she uses it on Tara. = +3pts 
  • Sam punches Alcide when he and his pack show up to take Emma. Alcide smiles off the blow and knocks Sam the fuck out. = +8pts (Sam deserves it.) 
  • Alcide’s werebitch mollywhops Lafayette for trying to interfere. = -8pts (Lafayette doesn’t deserve it.) 
  • Jessica prays to The One True God to bless all of her bestest friends, even stupid-ass Hoyt. = +6 heartwarming pts 
  • Two more plot-significant secret powers are revealed to Bill – the power to turn on a TV just by waking up and the power to see the future. Will he see if this season gets any better? Find out next week! = +2pts
Final Score = +15pts
Season Score = +24pts

This episode takes away a vaguely Christopher Walken-looking Rutger Hauer vampire and replaces him with a Fairy Grandpa Rutger Hauer, gives Sookie the weapon needed to beat whichever bad guy reveals himself to be the baddest, and puts more emphasis on the Bill being Vampire Jesus. Also, more fairies. This is going to be a long season.

Score Technician: T. J. Geise


  1. I think you need to check the calibration on the nano-bots, because there is no way anything Pam wears can ever be a negative. She is pure awesomeness.

    1. The nanobots are never wrong. They have a very sophisticated algorithm that accounts for both past, present, AND future progressive patterns. While there may have been a slim window for a Pepto-Bismol track suit, the overriding score is, sadly, negative.