Wednesday, June 19, 2013

True Blood: Season 6, Episode 1

The PCS puts the nanobots through their paces and asks them to perform calculations on a running television series (likely) on the decline, HBO's (semi)flagship show True Blood. How bad can it get? Who knows! The machines are smart but not smart enough to score the future, people!

But, before we get started, first some some background. Previously on (five seasons of) True Blood: Sexytime! Blood! Nudity! Sookie go fairy! Authority go Boom! Bill go boom! Sookie sad! Alan Ball gone!

  • Naked Bill, covered in blood, intimidating a group of people by letting his chestnuts roast on an open fire and not even flinching. = +9pts (For giving yet another meanign to the term, Baller.)
  • Blood bombing your hillbilly Governor for his stance on vampires—Oh, wait, we mean for his terrible “southern” accent. = +2pts
  • Jason Stackhouse rightly redefining “glamouring” as “brain raping.” The most creative thing he’s done not related to his penis in five seasons. = +5pts
  • Eating your boss, thus sealing your promotion. = Pre-economic downturn, -10pts; post-economic downturn, +10pts (A wash)
  • This is the year Andy Bellefleur is outed as some kind of supernatural creature, thus explaining his uncanny ability to shed fat and add muscle every season, which continues to be the biggest expense in the F/X budget. = -3pts
  • In a world full of murderous night creatures, sure, I’ll get in your car mysterious night traveler…even though you look a lot like Rutger Hauer after a 20-year bender. = -20pts
  • Wait?! Rutger Hauer?! = +10pts
  • Apparently, in human form, werewolves remain immune to poison oak. Especially on their junk. = +3pts
  • Joe Manganiello displaying every known muscle on the male body…except a penis. = -9pts (Say it ain’t so, Joe!)
  • We wish conservatives in this country would mature as fast as these damned fairy babies do. If so, we could have blown through slavery AND the Jim Crowe south by the time Lincoln got whacked. = No score, just a wish.

Episode Score = +9pts
Season Score: +9pts

One episode into the season and, per usual, we have no real idea where this show is going. But at least we’ve been able to confirm that Joe Manganiello has the genitals of a Ken Doll. At least that mystery has been resolved.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell


  1. Please don't tell me your nanobots actually think ANY male is doing full frontal for real? It's still TV, folks. All junk is hidden. I think this is probably what the F/X budget is getting spent on.

    1. So true. Yet the nanobots fondly remember the plethora of dong on OZ, another HBO show. It's where we first learned that Harold Perrineau was packing some serious heat. A fact that gives a lot of meaning to the scenes in Lost in which Walt always appeared to be trying to run away from him.

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