Thursday, June 13, 2013

Celebrity News: Police Investigate Kelly Family in Wake of Funeral Incident

Hip-hop producer Jermain Dupri and members of the Kelly family are facing charges of improper disposal of human remains following the Irish wake of former child-rapper Chris Kelly at the Jackson Memorial Baptist church this past weekend.  

Kelly, best known as one-half of kiddie rap duo Kriss Kross, was recently found dead in the doorway of his Atlanta home, from an apparent drug overdose. Despite many quotes, tweets, and texts from family members, “It was drugs!” “Bitch was high!” “Playa liked to jump, motherfucker!” police haven’t ruled out the possibility of homicide.

“We learned a lot from Biggie and Pac,” said Atlanta police Chief Biff Hagerty. “People aren’t so cool with letting semi-famous black people die without an investigation. Not like they used to be anyway.” Many have cited the rapper’s penchant for wearing his clothes backwards as a reason for the prolonged investigation. “You have to be real careful in situation like this,” the sheriff continued, “With reversists, it can be difficult to tell whether or not they were going to the bathroom or running from a home invader. That’s something they don’t teach you on CSI!”

With the investigation still ongoing, various members of Kelly’s family and entourage arrived at the wake expecting to remember and celebrate the life of a young man gone too soon. They were ill-prepared, however, for the ensuing scene of horror that was described by rap mogul and Kriss Kross producer Jermain Dupri as “Fucked up.”

“I claim no responsibility for this whatsoever,” said Irish mortician Paddy O’Hannigan, as he puffed on his fishtail pipe. “I did my duty. If the family doesn’t want to listen to me, then by Mary let it be on their heads!”

Tensions in the funeral home were reportedly running high due to the family’s insistence that Kelly be displayed backwards. “It was such a big part of who he was as a performer,” said Kelly’s mother. “I just wanted to see my baby as I remembered him, when he was happiest.”

The altercation broke out when Kelly’s body was transferred to an old rocking chair for a traditional Irish wake. “To be honest, I didn’t even know he was Irish,” said one family member. The suggestion was reported to have originated with Dupri who, by his own admission, can never resist a party, especially one he was “paying for.”

“Look, laying him in the casket facedown was bad enough,” said O’Hannigan. “We had a lot of extra holes to plug as a result of that stipulation, but taking the lad out and sitting him suit out in a rocking chair, face-to-back? That was unconscionable.”

When O’Hannigan refused to seat Kelly in his chair, Dupri and members of the family took matters into their own hands. “Look, I used to do this shit all the time with my G.I. Joes,” said Dupri. “How was I supposed to know he’d fall apart like that?”

A cousin of Kelly, who wished to remain anonymous, described the situation, “At first it seemed like a good idea, but then the noises started... The snapping of wires and bone. And then…he started leaking. It was like watching somebody melt from the inside out. He just…deflated.”

“At that point there’s not much to be done,” O’Hannigan said, as he graciously cleaned up this reporters vomit after showing him the dark, unwashable spot in the church’s rec room carpet. “In a way, my job isn’t so different from Kriss Kelly’s. Care for the deceased is its own bit of reversal. I take things that are dead and turn them around so that, for a brief moment, they appear alive again. What you want is for people not to look too close and see the death. And you sure as shite don’t want them to touch, bend, crack, and twist it.”

In a press conference later that week, Jermain Dupri, speaking to a room of local bloggers who still vaguely remember who Jermaine Dupri was, summed up the events thusly before breaking down: “Look, Atlanta is the city where players play. We ride on these things like every day. Kriss Kelly knew big beats and he hit the streets. He saw gangsters roaming. He didn’t need to go out like that. That shit was nasty.”

Reporting Technicians: Sean McConnell
Photo Technician: Maya Mackrandilal

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness!! i can't believe this real !! That was just crazy. They must have been doing drugs or something to think any of there actions were good ideas.