Monday, June 10, 2013

Troll 2

The nanobots have noshed on plenty of prime specimens of schlock cinema since we first launched the PCS, but only one has earned the distinction of “the best worst movie.” Written and directed by Italian filmmakers with a tenuous grip on English and starring an all American cast of unprofessional actors, Troll 2 was bound for greatness from the start. So strap in, boys and girls, we’re about to delve into a sequel that wasn’t meant to be a sequel, and a troll movie with no actual trolls. Let’s see how this cult classic measures up to the under The Scorecard’s scrutiny.
  • For shamelessly trying to capitalize on the runaway success of the Troll franchise. = -20pts 
  • Hey, dude getting chased by goblins, why not eat that lime pudding being offered to you by a strange girl in the woods? = -4pts 
  • So, the vegetarian goblins force their victims to eat magical food that turns humans into plants for the goblins to consume. We’re probably not the first ones to point this out, but wouldn’t it save a step or two to just eat regular plants? = -70pts 
  • That opening prologue (in which a terrified young man was turned into a plant and devoured by goblins) was a bedtime story? We’re guessing Joshua’s grandfather doesn’t get asked to babysit very often. =-8pts 
  • Never mind, the grandfather is a ghost. That makes it totally acceptable. = +16pts
  • Sweet Brian Boland Joker poster in Joshua’s room, though. = +7pts 
  • Actual line of dialogue between Dad and coworker over the phone: “Can you take care of that business for me while I’m gone?” = -12pts 
  • For their vacation, the family is “trading houses” for a month with some people they’ve never met. We’re curious about how many Nigerian princes these guys have shared their bank account with since entering the internet age. = -21pts 
  • Sister Holly apparently has a condition where she can only speak at ear-splitting volume. = -50pts 
  • “Hey, obnoxious teen boyfriend Eliot, I just got through explaining how my family can’t stand you…Now why don’t you accompany us on a month-long trip to the middle of nowhere.” = -14pts 
  • …And then he doesn’t show up. = +15pts 
  • Oh, wait yes he did. In a Winnebago full of “high school buddies” who might be in their 30s. = -30pts 
  • To diffuse the animosity between Holly and her father, Mom asks Joshua to sing a song. Because nothing puts people at ease in a moving vehicle like the sound of a ten-year old singing. = -23pts 
  • The song that Mom “likes so much” is “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” We’re suddenly very curious to get a peek at her record collection. = +11pts 
  • Mom’s version of performing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” as a round is to just blurt out random lines from the song at haphazard intervals while her son is singing. = +17pts 
  • In his efforts to save Joshua and his family from the goblin threat, Spectral Grandpa delivers him into the hands of an insane drifter. = +20pts 
  • Joshua’s face looks like he’s constantly trying to take a shit. = -22pts 
  • The family they’re trading houses with left a cursed goblin brunch laid out as a welcome. = +2pts (That’s what we call down-home country hospitality) 
  • Family decides to continuously pass the cursed brunch plates in a circle in lieu of actually eating. = -9pts 
  • Spectral Grandpa freezes time so that Joshua can dispose of the meal. If most of us had to find a way to stop our family from eating a cursed goblin brunch, we would probably flip the table over or maybe sweep all the food onto the floor. Joshua’s solution? Piss over all of it. = +40pts 
  • That awkward ten seconds where it looks like the dad is going to piss on Joshua in retaliation. = +10pts 
  • When even the hapless victims in your monster movie aren’t afraid of your monsters. = -45pts 
  • Arnold, the 32-year old high school senior and random encounter female victim seek refuge in the home of Credence, the goth librarian. = +1pt 
  • Every muscle in Credence’s face seems to be working independently of the others. = -14pts 
  • Holly’s dance. Wow. = -70pts 
  • Elliot lying shirtless in bed with his friend: suddenly we have a whole new perspective on his lack of interest in Holly. = +6pts 
  • General store stocked with nothing but room temperature milk. = -3pts 
  • Nilbog is “Goblin” spelled backwards! Just one of too many parallels with The Shining for this to be a coincidence. = - 12pts 
  • Hapless teen victim Drew re-enacts my favorite scene from Anchorman. = +30pts 
  • Reverend Kenny Rogers delivers a sermon on evils of meat. = -3pts 
  • We feel like watching that scene where the townsfolk try to force-feed Joshua ice cream has landed us on some kind of federal watch list. = -32pts 
  • Actual line of dialogue: “We need time for some things to happen.” = -9pts 
  • Actual line of dialogue: “Look what a surprise they have prepared for us!” = -16pts 
  • Nothing sets us at ease like a bunch of strangers standing around in a circle, clapping and watching us eat. = -14pts 
  • Spectral Grandpa with an axe. = +10pts 
  • Severing the goth librarian’s arm has also given her a wicked case of the herp. = +4pts 
  • Single greatest exchange in this (or any other) movie:
    GRANDPA: We must move quickly to put out the fire.
    JOSHUA: What fire?
    GRANDPA: *Pulls out Molotov cocktail and smiles* = +50pts 
  • “No, honestly, officer, it’s okay. My dead Grandpa told me to start the fire. You know, to kill the goblins.” = +13pts 
  • Awfully sporting of the goblins to give the family time to slowly edge back into the house. = +2pts 
  • Fragasso’s direction to Credence during her seduction scene: “No, no! Sexier! That’s it, twist your shoulders more. Good, now drag your fingers across Brent’s face like you’re drunkenly trying to read braille! Perfect! This is turning me on.” = -13pts 
  • This scene. This fucking scene. = -75pts 
  • Spectral Grandpa smiles like a retarded person whose just shit his pants. = -8pts 
  • Backpack full of bologna that Joshua receives from his grandpa a subtle metaphor for how each generation inherits the false values of their ancestors. = +12pts 
  • Kids, if your grandpa ever tells you to touch his Stonehenge magic stone, run and tell another responsible adult. = -19pts 
  • Goth librarian’s catch phrase is apparently a protracted, warbling shriek. = -100pts 
  • Hey, remember all that stuff about destroying the goblins with the power of goodness? Well, jk, they’re all still alive and somehow followed you guys back home to the suburbs. (And, holy shit, is that the Mom’s tit underneath all that bright green vegetable sludge? = -13pts
Total Score = -463pts
Available on: DVD, PETA’s propaganda file

A new Scorecard record. While any attempt to crown a particular film as “the best worst movie” is bound to be arbitrary and subject to individual opinion, however you figure it, Troll 2 is waaaaaay up there. The plethora of WTF moments will reel you in, but it's all the little things--every wooden piece of dialogue, every tone-deaf line reading, every cheaply constructed costume--that will keep you coming back again and again.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling


  1. Haven't actually seen Troll 2 but the documentary "Best Worst Movie" that you mention was definitely very good, and as always, this scorecard was hilarious!

    1. Thanks for the compliment, Greg! Shame on us for referencing a "good" movie! We will try to do better next time. Please don't be shy about letting people know about the site. It's not always easy doing what we do, but we do it for the sake of science and humanity.

  2. That popcorn scene... changed my life.

    1. I'll let you know after the "special evening" I have planned for tonight.....