Friday, June 7, 2013

Creepshow 2

Just about every kid with even a dim memory of the 1980s was, at some point in his life, terrorized by Stephen King and George Romero's EC horror comics tribute Creepshow. But did you know that the same horror movie power-couple that brought us that classic reunited (sort of) five years later to rekindle their black magic wit Creepshow 2. Neither did we! Until now...
  • Being a sequel to an actually good scary movie and keeping the EC Comics motif. = +10pts
  • Giant balls on the tween who does not run away screaming at the sight of the obviously demonic periodical man. = +5pts
  • The writer who wrote that above line. = -10pts (To be applied to a personal scorecard.)
  • Really lame "magic hands" move of creepy periodical man. = -3pts
  • Lack of star-power evident in the opening credits. A complete reversal of Hollywood's view that the original Creepshow was a good idea and a movie to be seen in. = -10pts.
  • Exact opposite of creepy synth/keyboard solo during credits. = -5pts
  • Not being directed by George Romero. (Despite what the poster art would have you believe.) = -8pts
  • Utterly terrible between story animation sequences. = -5pts
  • Opening scene of old white man singing "Jimmy Crack Corn" while dusting off a giant Indian Smoking man in front of his store. (In 1987 = 0pts, In 2013 = -17pts) = -17pts
  • Old white lady making fun of freeloading (really poor) Native Americans. (In 1987 = +1pts, In 2013 = -20pts) = -19pts
  • The look of confusion on the white guys face at receiving turquoise necklaces in lieu of cash. = 0pts (But kind of hilarious.)
  • The dialogue. = -3pts
  • The "You're disgusting" line uttered after obnoxious wailing fat guy grabs his crotch and tells the old man to "put this in your mouth." = +8pts
  • Unintentional (one hopes) Diet Pepsi appearance at awkward moment. = +2pts
  • Poorly dealt issues of race this movie thinks it is treating with respect. (In 1987 = +5pts, In 2013 = -25pts) = -20pts
  • Ability of previously petrified Smoking Indian to operate contemporary technology, like televisions and garage door openers. = +7pts
  • Telling the petrified Smoking Indian covered in blood that he is not alive and can't be alive and then wasting time shooting him. = +3pts
  • Troubling implications of Smoking Indian scalping another Native American as revenge for killing white people. (In 1987 = +10pts (Irony!), In 2013 = -20pts (Racist!)) = -10pts
  • Yes, I'm still here not-scary-cartoon-man. It'll take more than a little 80's cultural insensitivity to get me to stop watching this clearly inferior sequel. = +10pts (For doing me the courtesy of making sure I'm still awake.)
  • Um...spoke too soon. The Raft freaked our shit out bad when we were kids and is one of Stephen King's best stories. = +20pts
  • Douchbag teens yelling at each other to "pass the weed." Oh, these kids can't die fast enough. Already much better. = +5pts
  • The blonde douchbag's hilarious yellow bikini bottoms. (Likely a joke in 1987 = +5pts, In 2013, still a joke, but funnier in 2013 = +8pts) = +13pts
  • Here's a great idea for you: Drive 50 miles out into the middle of nowhere, take a swim in what looks like an abandoned rock quarry, and leave your car back on the "beach" with the keys in the ignition and the radio still blasting. What could go wrong? = +15pts
  • Watching duck be mysteriously pulled into the water and still swimming in the general direction of it. = +5pts
  • Who took a shit in the lake? = +3pts
  • Killing the virgin girl first. = +15pts (You know, because it's not typical in these kinds of movies... Not because it's cool to kill virgins...)
  • Threatening to punch a girl who is upset after watching her friend dissolve into a glop of lake poo. = -5pts
  • Foot-to-face. Best. Raft. Death. Ever. = +25pts
  • Um...non-consensual molestation while a a pervy slick of acidic poo watches. = -20pts (in any decade)
  • Taunting slick of acidic poo. = +5pts
  • Poo wave!! Who's laughing now, beyotch! = +10pts
  • There's nothing like the smell of a rich white lady running over a homeless black man in the morning. = -10pts
  • Car phones with actual cords attached to them. = (In 1987 = +10pts, In 2013 = +15pts) +25pts
  • Refusing to give a ride to the black man you ran over with your car even after he's managed to track you down several miles later. = -5pts
  • "Thanks for the ride, lady." = +5pts (Still makes us laugh.)
  • Now we know where Quintin Tarantino got the inspiration for Django Unchained. = +3pts
  • Why would, what clearly appears to be a zombie, after being mutilated, suddenly fall over after getting shot a few times by a gun? = -2pts
  •  Accidentally run over a homeless black man, once? Shame on you. Purposely shoot him six times and then run over him again, repeatedly? Well..shame on you again. (In Regan's 1987 = +10pts, In 2013, -20pts) = -10pts
  •  Overallpoints to be earned through unarftful commentary of important issues relevant to 1987. = 0pts (a wash)
Total Score = +17pts
Available on: Netflix streaming, the quarter bin at Graham Crackers Comics

Once again the scorecard proves that the closer to 0 a movie actually is, the less value there is in literally watching it. Had this movie not had The Raft at its center, and had it not been chock-full of shoehorned metaphors of a dead decade, it might have been not bad. But, as it is, it is not good.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

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