Thursday, July 9, 2015

True Detective Season 2, Episode 3

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Look it's a long season. Sometimes you just gotta let the nanobots do what they gotta do.
  • Opening any show with a fake Elvis-h guy singing Bette Midler's "The Rose". = +5pts (Or was that Conway Twitty? Wait, did Conway Twitty have an Elvis phase?!)
  • If your life flashes before your eyes before you die, then Detective Velcro had one shitty life. = +4pts (For getting out while he could.)
  • Big death fake-outs. = -20pts (Nanobots will always retroactively retract all points associated with any attempt to reverse a good Janet Leigh.)
  • Making up for it by having the human decency to piss yourself. = +1pts
  • Blaming your erectile dysfunction on your incredibly fertile sperm. = -2pts
  • Treating your eye problems with a plastic bag full of marijuana vapor. = +4pts (Cataracts are a national crisis, people!)
  • Bragging about talking jive to a couple of LA cops. = +3pts (For boldly tempting fate.)
  • Talking jive post Airplane. = -4pts
  • It wouldn't be a season of True Detective if every person in a position of authority above the detectives wasn't a steaming pile of crapsauce. = +2pts
  • Having Remo Williams as your dad. = +10pts
  • Pulling an Exorcist-like head turn in an effort to avert the eyes of a gay person in order to demonstrate how gay you aren't. = -5pts
  • "What kind of way is that to greet the world?" = +5pts
Episode Score: +3pts
Season Score: +64pts

Fine, we admit it: Having Colin Farrel is vitally important to the life on this show. Still, the nanobots were disappointed by the lack of ambition demonstrated by such a fake-out.

Not a lot happened this episode. So, rather than talk about that, we'd like to give a special shout-out to Kelly Reilly, who plays Vince Vaughn's wanna be baby mamma. Reilly has held her own, if not completely owned every scene she's been in. She's been so good that she can own a scene simply by sitting by herself across the room at an empty craps table. She's demonstrably feminine, incredibly sexy, and there's no question as to why Vince Vaughn's Frank Semyon remains captivated by her after all these years. In fact, to say that, after three episodes, she's the sexiest thing this season, is really saying something when you consider the show has also featured Tim Riggin's butt.

No comments:

Post a Comment