Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling and Amanda Hemmerling

We live in a world where every summer, Syfy puts out a movie about sharknados. It's a Rubicon that we, as a society, crossed three years ago, and the sooner you accept that fact, the happier that you'll be. The third installment promises to continue the game of one-upmanship established by last year's Sharknado 2: The Second One. There will be more sharks and shark-related deaths. There will be more D-list celebrity cameos. There will be more flagrant product placement. So, once again, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid (both best known for their work in Sharknado and Sharknado 2) find themselves in a situation where they must save an increasingly larger geographic area from a shark-infested storm. We're riding this train all the way to the end of the line, folks. This is who we are now. This is how we live. Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
  • No Crispin Glover. = -10pts
  • 007 cold open. = +7pts
  • Flagrant product placement alert: It's a little soon after the Jarrod Kiddie Porn Foundation scandal to be promoting Subway so brazenly within the first five minutes of your movie. = -5pts
  • Ian Ziering made late to his Presidential Medal of Freedom award ceremony by violent anti-shark demonstrations. = +4pts
  • The blighted womb of Tara Reid prepares to issue forth a third hideous offspring. = -8pts
  • Weather advisory reporter warns of unusual storm activity over "Warshington D.C." = -3pts
  • Making Ann Coulter your Vice President is the best insurance policy against assassination since Sarah Palin. = -9pts
  • Order of the Golden Chainsaw > Presidential Medal of Freedom = +10pts
  • Ian Ziering reminding secret services agents that "Water flows down." = -2pts
  • Watching a sharknado tear through famous D.C. monuments is like watching a Roland Emmerich movie, but with terrible CGI, amateurish acting, and laughable dialogue. So... um... pretty much exactly like a Roland Emmerich movie. = -6pts
  • Killing a shark with a vacuum cleaner. = +4pts
  • Ian Ziering pulls some John Woo shit with his dual M-16s, before caving in a shark's head with a bust of Washington. = +13pts
  • Recreating the Iwo Jima memorial with a great white carcass spitted on a flag pole. = +7pts
  • From what we can tell, the majority of the movie's budget went into the opening credit sequence. = +4pts
  • Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Universal Studios sure seems like a fun place to have a birthday party! = -5pts
  • Does the fact that Tara Reid and Bo Derrick look the same age reflect well on Derrick or poorly on Reid? = -3pts
  • The massive wad of cash Bo Derrick hands her granddaughter her for her birthday. Tara Reid's mom is either a stripper or a gangster. = +1pt
  • A Michelle Bachmann cameo? Did they just round up all the most awful people in Washington and put them in front of a camera? = -11pts
  • Ian Ziering the subject of much speculation on behalf of all the Sharknado Truthers out there. = +2pts
  • Flagrant Product Placement Alert: The principle of Chekov's racecars - If you see two Xfinity- and Bud Light-branded Nascar vehicles in Act I, someone had better be driving them by Act III. = -10pts
  • Since the first installment, sexy waitress Nova has teamed up with the kid from Malcom in the Middle and gone full Mad Max. = +13pts
  • Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Benefit Cosmetics - The official beauty product of sharkpocalypse survivalists. = -5pts
  •  The kid from Malcom in the Middle reveals the folly of having one capable actor on your cast of terrible ones. = -9pts
  • Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Co-founder of Reddit on TV for some fucking reason. = -5pts
  • Who actually likes the name "Britney?" Oh, that's right. Tara Reid. = -8pts
  • Sweet chainsaw prosthetic, though. = +10pts
  • Making fun of strippers when that was literally your leading man's day job before his shark-related career renaissance. = -3pts
  • "Biometeorology isn't an exact science yet." = +6pts
  • Kid from Malcom in the Middle does his best Black Knight impersonation. = +17pts
  • How does Twister still have a ride at Universal Studios but not Back to the Future? = -22pts
  • George R. R. Martin devoured by sharks. As if non-stop sharknados weren't bad enough, the Sharknado-verse will also never get an ending to Game of Thrones. = -8pts
  • Ian Ziering hassles the Hoff. = +11pts
  • "I was in the astronaut program," is the kind of sentence you'd expect to hear from a drunk man desperately trying to get laid. And therefore sounds right at home coming out of David Hasselhoff's mouth. = +7pts
  • Something about an experimental rocket that will generate temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun to break up the sharknado wall. This franchise is in a scorched earth battle with itself to see who can string together the least coherent pile of pseudo-science. = -12pts
  • Traditionally franchises wait until at least the fourth installment to end up in space. = -14pts
  • The sudden realization that the dude working for the National Weather Service was Anthony Weiner all along. When danger calls, Danger answers. = +12pts
  • But see again our note Re: Michelle Bachman. = -12pts
  • When the experimental rocket fails to destroy the sharknado wall, the Hoff has no choice but to drift out to the Strategic Defense Initiative (a.k.a. Star Wars) satellite and manually target the shark storm with it. That's right, we've just blasted miles and miles of American soil with an enormous Akira space laser, and called it "saving the day." = -20pts
  • When asked how the sharks attacking their space shuttle can survive in the vacuum of space, Ian Ziering responds by asking how they could survive in the clouds. = -4pts (THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER, IAN!)
  • If she had access to a lightsaber chainsaw all along, why did Nova ever use anything else? = +8pts
  • Re-entering the earth's atmosphere in a crispy great white carcass that you punched a parachute hole into. = +25pts
  • Chainsawing a hole in a shark so that you can shove your newly born infant through it. = +3pts
  • Letting the fans decide whether Tara Reid lives or dies via Twitter - thus granting a whole new generation of nerds the chance to have their very own Jason Todd moment. = +10pts
Total Score = -46pts
Available on: Syfy Channel

The third installment of saga of sharknado delivered on everything we'd come to expect, with the filmmakers leaning even harder into the absurdity at the franchise's premise. They managed to eke out some gloriously boffo moments, coupled with another glut of head-scratching cameos (we didn't even mention Jericho or Jerry Springer or the seeming dozens of others). The thing that leaves a bit of a sour taste in the nanobots little nano-mouths, however, is the increasing brashness with which the movie plugged it's corporate sponsors. It lends the already somewhat mercenary affair a decidedly cynical edge. While the question on everyone's mind might be the fate of Tara Reid, over at the PCS, we're wondering if the next sequel is going to pull a Will Smith and just put a goddamn shoe commercial right in the middle of the movie.

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