True Detective Season 2, Episodes 5 and 6

Score Technicians: Joe Hemmerling and Sean McConnell

The nanobots haven't been overly generous to this current season of True Detective, but Nick Pizzolatto and co. went a long way towards winning them over with the monumental bloodbath that ended last week's episodes (side note: Should we at the PCS be concerned by the sheer level of delight the nanobots took in watching so many people die? Because--and maybe you had to be there--it was a little alarming...). Now let's see if HBO can keep that momentum going for back-to-back weeks.

Episode 5

• Using the same "our suspects are dead, so case-closed" plot device from last season. = -10pts 
• Officer Buzzkill "opening up" during her sexual harassment training provides some much-needed intentional comedy. = +4pts 
• Vince Vaughn sends a representative from a Mexican drug cartel packing by quipping, "Door's in the same place, Amigo." +6pts for a great kiss-off line, -6pts for questionably racist use of Spanish. = +0pts (a wash) 
• What exactly are "pimpish results," and how does one go about obtaining them? = +2pts 
• Vince Vaughn describing the feeling of indeterminacy that comes with not knowing who made off with his $5 million as "blue balls for your heart." = +11pts 
• Leaving twenty thousand dollars in stolen Afghani money with your molesty, alcoholic mom, then being surprised when it isn't there waiting for you. = -8pts 
• And by the way, Taylor Kitsch was part of some Three Kings-esque caper while he was deployed? As if a reverse-Oedipus complex, repressed homosexuality, and PTSD weren't enough? This ratio of complexity of back-story to essentialness to the show's central plotline is maybe the most lopsided we've seen in the history of television. = -10pts 
• Everyone knows the word "gangster" is offensive. They prefer the term "Law Abidingly Challenged." = -3pts
• Finding out that creep you tortured to death all those years ago had nothing to do with your wife's rape. = +20pts 
• Using Rick Springfield's face as a punching bag in order to exorcise some of your rage RE: the above. = +7pts 
• Pimping your sister out in order to obtain an invitation to a VIP sex party. = -2pts 
• Dude dressed as Jesus, walking down the street carrying a cross not even worthy of a double-take in sunny California. = +12pts

Episode Score: +23pts

Episode 6

• Drinking hot coffee with one hand while your other hand holds your penis--GUN! Whoops! What we meant to say was penis--No, wait, gun! G.U.N. Wow, how embarrassing. We don't usually make the same mistake twice in one score. I mean, in a stand-off (Mexican or otherwise) it's not like we don't know how to use a penis--DAMMIT!! = -6pts
• Having a soul cleansing conversation with your wife's rapist. = +3pts
• The concept of cheese grating another man's dick seems too lived in to be completely made up. Imagine that on your pasta.... = -2pts (Hey-yo!)
• Listening to an old cop complain about how mad everybody got when they learned how racist LA cops were in the '90s. = -4pts (Exponentially increase score by +10pts for every subsequent decade people act surprised.)
• Practicing your stabby skills while your sister gives you pointers on being a high class prostitute. = +5pts (Finally, some practical career advice for once!)
• Watching Friends with you dad... = +3pts
• ...and some strange court appointed lady who can't stop giving him the stink-eye for five seconds. = -3pts
• Bonding with the son of a heretofore insignificant character that nobody on the Internet knows anything about. = -2pts
• In an effort to lighten the mood, Detective Velcro entertains the crew by doing his best Colin Farrell impersonation. = +5pts (ZING!)
• But hey! If you're going to binge, best to do it alone in your apartment where you don't make the mistake of killing the wrong rapist...again! = +3pts
• Nothing says LA quite like Escort Tour 2015. = -2pts
• Another episode in which key plot information is communicated by cops essentially tailgaiting suspects to a "dangerous super secret location". = -3pts 
• Nothing like a bit of pure Molly to help you unearth a childhood trauma in the middle of an orgy. = -3pts
• Knives come out. Unfortunately Chekhov was sleeping and totally missed it. Would you mind doing it again so that he can see it? He's a really great guy, Chekhov. = +4pts

Episode Score = +4pts
Season Score = +115pts

We are fully ready to stop discovering new things about Taylor Kitsch's character. Like, seriously, are we going to find out next episode that he was part of some top secret government-sponsored experiment as a kid, and as a result he can move objects with his mind? Other than that, these were relatively okay episodes. A definite cool-down from the previous week's big shoot-out, (even with the over-hyped orgy) but at least the plot is moving forward, and the main characters were mostly distracted by actual casework to spend too much time being angry at the people who raised them/whom they are supposed to be raising.

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling and Amanda Hemmerling

We live in a world where every summer, Syfy puts out a movie about sharknados. It's a Rubicon that we, as a society, crossed three years ago, and the sooner you accept that fact, the happier that you'll be. The third installment promises to continue the game of one-upmanship established by last year's Sharknado 2: The Second One. There will be more sharks and shark-related deaths. There will be more D-list celebrity cameos. There will be more flagrant product placement. So, once again, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid (both best known for their work in Sharknado and Sharknado 2) find themselves in a situation where they must save an increasingly larger geographic area from a shark-infested storm. We're riding this train all the way to the end of the line, folks. This is who we are now. This is how we live. Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

• No Crispin Glover. = -10pts
• 007 cold open. = +7pts
• Flagrant product placement alert: It's a little soon after the Jarrod Kiddie Porn Foundation scandal to be promoting Subway so brazenly within the first five minutes of your movie. = -5pts
• Ian Ziering made late to his Presidential Medal of Freedom award ceremony by violent anti-shark demonstrations. = +4pts
• The blighted womb of Tara Reid prepares to issue forth a third hideous offspring. = -8pts
• Weather advisory reporter warns of unusual storm activity over "Warshington D.C." = -3pts
• Making Ann Coulter your Vice President is the best insurance policy against assassination since Sarah Palin. = -9pts
• Order of the Golden Chainsaw > Presidential Medal of Freedom = +10pts
• Ian Ziering reminding secret services agents that "Water flows down." = -2pts
• Watching a sharknado tear through famous D.C. monuments is like watching a Roland Emmerich movie, but with terrible CGI, amateurish acting, and laughable dialogue. So... um... pretty much exactly like a Roland Emmerich movie. = -6pts
• Killing a shark with a vacuum cleaner. = +4pts
• Ian Ziering pulls some John Woo shit with his dual M-16s, before caving in a shark's head with a bust of Washington. = +13pts
• Recreating the Iwo Jima memorial with a great white carcass spitted on a flag pole. = +7pts
• From what we can tell, the majority of the movie's budget went into the opening credit sequence. = +4pts
• Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Universal Studios sure seems like a fun place to have a birthday party! = -5pts
• Does the fact that Tara Reid and Bo Derrick look the same age reflect well on Derrick or poorly on Reid? = -3pts
• The massive wad of cash Bo Derrick hands her granddaughter her for her birthday. Tara Reid's mom is either a stripper or a gangster. = +1pt
• A Michelle Bachmann cameo? Did they just round up all the most awful people in Washington and put them in front of a camera? = -11pts
• Ian Ziering the subject of much speculation on behalf of all the Sharknado Truthers out there. = +2pts
• Flagrant Product Placement Alert: The principle of Chekov's racecars - If you see two Xfinity- and Bud Light-branded Nascar vehicles in Act I, someone had better be driving them by Act III. = -10pts
• Since the first installment, sexy waitress Nova has teamed up with the kid from Malcom in the Middle and gone full Mad Max. = +13pts
• Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Benefit Cosmetics - The official beauty product of sharkpocalypse survivalists. = -5pts
•  The kid from Malcom in the Middle reveals the folly of having one capable actor on your cast of terrible ones. = -9pts
• Flagrant Product Placement Alert: Co-founder of Reddit on TV for some fucking reason. = -5pts
• Who actually likes the name "Britney?" Oh, that's right. Tara Reid. = -8pts
• Sweet chainsaw prosthetic, though. = +10pts
• Making fun of strippers when that was literally your leading man's day job before his shark-related career renaissance. = -3pts
• "Biometeorology isn't an exact science yet." = +6pts
• Kid from Malcom in the Middle does his best Black Knight impersonation. = +17pts
• How does Twister still have a ride at Universal Studios but not Back to the Future? = -22pts
• George R. R. Martin devoured by sharks. As if non-stop sharknados weren't bad enough, the Sharknado-verse will also never get an ending to Game of Thrones. = -8pts
• Ian Ziering hassles the Hoff. = +11pts
• "I was in the astronaut program," is the kind of sentence you'd expect to hear from a drunk man desperately trying to get laid. And therefore sounds right at home coming out of David Hasselhoff's mouth. = +7pts
• Something about an experimental rocket that will generate temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun to break up the sharknado wall. This franchise is in a scorched earth battle with itself to see who can string together the least coherent pile of pseudo-science. = -12pts
• Traditionally franchises wait until at least the fourth installment to end up in space. = -14pts
• The sudden realization that the dude working for the National Weather Service was Anthony Weiner all along. When danger calls, Danger answers. = +12pts

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• But see again our note Re: Michelle Bachman. = -12pts
• When the experimental rocket fails to destroy the sharknado wall, the Hoff has no choice but to drift out to the Strategic Defense Initiative (a.k.a. Star Wars) satellite and manually target the shark storm with it. That's right, we've just blasted miles and miles of American soil with an enormous Akira space laser, and called it "saving the day." = -20pts
• When asked how the sharks attacking their space shuttle can survive in the vacuum of space, Ian Ziering responds by asking how they could survive in the clouds. = -4pts (THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER, IAN!)
• If she had access to a lightsaber chainsaw all along, why did Nova ever use anything else? = +8pts
• Re-entering the earth's atmosphere in a crispy great white carcass that you punched a parachute hole into. = +25pts
• Chainsawing a hole in a shark so that you can shove your newly born infant through it. = +3pts
• Letting the fans decide whether Tara Reid lives or dies via Twitter - thus granting a whole new generation of nerds the chance to have their very own Jason Todd moment. = +10pts

Total Score = -46pts

Available on: Syfy Channel

The third installment of saga of sharknado delivered on everything we'd come to expect, with the filmmakers leaning even harder into the absurdity at the franchise's premise. They managed to eke out some gloriously boffo moments, coupled with another glut of head-scratching cameos (we didn't even mention Jericho or Jerry Springer or the seeming dozens of others). The thing that leaves a bit of a sour taste in the nanobots little nano-mouths, however, is the increasing brashness with which the movie plugged it's corporate sponsors. It lends the already somewhat mercenary affair a decidedly cynical edge. While the question on everyone's mind might be the fate of Tara Reid, over at the PCS, we're wondering if the next sequel is going to pull a Will Smith and just put a goddamn shoe commercial right in the middle of the movie.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

Score Technician: Alex Pearlstein

Shlubby hamburger-eating cop whatshisname (Fred Ward) is kidnapped in an elaborate manner by CURE, the President’s top-secret Wilford Brimley led agency, re-Christened as Remo Williams, forced to train in the kick-ass and totally not made up martial art of Sinanju by Master Chiun (Joel Grey), and ultimately convinced to put his newly honed skills to use in rooting out domestic government and military corruption through, well, killing people, basically. Directed by Goldfinger director Guy Hamilton, and based on a series of books called The Destroyer, of which there were about 60(!) by the time of the movie’s release, Remo Williams: The Advenure Begins, promised to cook up the kind of nougaty ‘80s action candy that only the nanobot-lined stomachs of our drunken Progressive Cinema Scorecard technicians are capable of digesting.

• Starting with a broadcast of the Knicks losing badly establishes a nice sense of realism. = +7pts 
• Note to self: When building secret agency, there are probably more reliable ways to recruit agents than beating them half to death and dumping them in the harbor. = -3pts 
• Upon waking up, Remo’s immediate reaction is to panic over the loss of his moustache: “What have you done to my face?!” = +5pts 
• Stealing not only an ambulance, but the friendly cop from Die Hard’s ambulance. Wait a minute; is this the cop from Die Hard’s origin story? = +8pts 
• Commenting on a football field sized room full of super computers: “These are the smaller ones.” = +3pts 
• People who weren’t alive in the ‘80s cannot understand the soothing power of Wilford Brimley’s presence. = +5pts 
• Warrrrrrrrgh….is this movie’s premise really about glorifying secret assassinations in the cause of preserving American values? Bleeding heart…of score technician…rupturing… = -17pts 
• “Remember: in, out. Like a duck mating.” Ok, wait. Wait, please. We know we’re in the middle of an important plot point here, but let’s stop, because we’re curious. Out of all the things in the world that could pop into your mind while thinking about sex, you thought about ducks. Is that just what happened here? Would you care to explain? We’d be really interested in hearing about your past. = +9pts 
• Joel Grey is a great actor and all, but – no, we’ll stop there. There’s nothing – no – don’t try – we can feel you trying to make excuses for Joel Grey made up as a Korean, but no – no no no no no. = -20pts 

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• Chiun and Remo’s initial fight scene. = +12pts 
• So, you let an agent destroy your apartment every time you begin his training? = +3pts 
• We love how computers in ‘80s movies display all files as if they were pre-loaded PPT slide shows. =+3pts 
• “You move like a pregnant yak.” =+2pts 
• Whoah, we’re getting a lot of Fred Ward meat in those sweatpants there. = -5pts 
• Looking at our computers' settings now to figure out how we can get a big, red, flashing SECURITY BREACH message to display whenever we receive another damn Adobe Flash update request. = +2pts 
• “Professional assassination is the highest form of public service.” = -13pts 
• The fake soap opera Chiun watches. = +6pts 
• “Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss.” = +7pts 
• Training by dangling from a Ferris wheel; no one in the park cares. = +5pts 
• Remo and Chiun winning the stuffed pink panther together. = +4pts 
• Diving through a sand pile, shooting out the top, running on air. = +4pts 
• Villain cleans rifle while surrounded by cases of rifles. Also paintings of rifles. = +6pts 
• Delinquent Statue of Liberty construction workers. = +3pts 
• Guy who drowns in cement at the base of the Statue of Liberty. = +10pts 
• Did Wilford Brimley’s character really just refer to Chiun as “slant-eyed?” We need to have a national conversation to heal from this. = -7pts 
• Halfway through the movie and we’re finally noticing the biggest plot hole: why doesn’t CURE just ask Chiun to do Remo’s job? = -3pts 
• The whole doberman sequence. = +12pts 
• Why are there rats on a high window ledge? And why do they want to be in Remo’s pants? = +3pts 
• Sinanju must include conjuring ziplines at opportune moments. = +3pts 
• Mount Promise? That’s what I got from my wife on our wedding night, and I’m still waiting! Hey, hey! STOP THROWING THINGS! = -2pts 
• Using a bad guy’s diamond-embedded tooth to cut your way out of a pressurized chamber. = +16pts 
• Expression on the face of the technician who walks into his destroyed lab. = +2pts 
• You know what, let’s go ahead and insult both women and Koreans in the same scene. That’ll play great 30 years in the future! = -8pts 
• Father/son bond between Remo and Chiun because why? = -2pts 
• Villains switch to chasing only Remo at the end because why? = -2pts 
• Military camp forest is filled with mysteriously moving trees because why? = -2pts 
• And stacks of logs in the most dangerous possible places because why? Well, we’ll allow it because it’s good for some cool looking destruction. = +2pts 
• Starting a fire with only your thumb, forefinger, and a twig. = +6pts 
• And the adventure has begun! Now for the thrilling second chapter. Hello? Hello? We’ve been sitting in a dark theatre for 30 years…hello? = -7pts

Total Score: +53pts
Available on: Netflix, Youtube

We remember enjoying Remo Williams as kids, wondering why the adults around us called it names like “turkey” and “flop.” After watching it again, we’re still not totally sure why it failed so hard. It’s no more juvenile than other James Bond films that Guy Hamilton directed, like The Man with the Golden Gun, and like many James Bond films, it doesn’t take itself seriously. But even though we think he’s the bee’s knees, unlike the actors who played James Bond, Fred Ward has a pretty limited appeal. Remo isn’t meant to be charming, and he has a pretty vague and uncompelling mandate from the secret agency he works for. Root out corruption? Preserve freedom and security? Take down bad guys who engage in shady arms deals? Little kids could buy that premise, but adults were probably hard-pressed to swallow it. Of course, those same adults had just re-elected a president who would engage in his own shady arms deals, and then a couple decades later, the adults would cheerfully give the President and his secret agencies unlimited power to preserve freedom and security, but you know, that’s real life, and Remo Williams is just a goofy story.

We’ve evolved as a society in at least one way since this movie’s release, though: we know now that yellowface casting and/or whitewashing is wrong. At least we’ve come that far.

True Detective Season 2, Episode 4

blogs.indiewire.com

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Aside from a few bright spots, this new season of True Detective has been a bit of a slog. We are now fully at the halfway point and in desperate need of something to give this series a shot in the arm (and not just a fakeout shot to the gut).

• "Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car." = +3pts 
• Despite the rousing pep talk he received from Detective Velcro, it STILL feels like Taylor Kitsch is in a completely different TV show from the rest of the cast. = -16pts 
• A brisk walk down Officer Buzzkill's sexual history and the legal complications therein. = +2pts 
• Pro-tip for the ladies: Do not accept the proposal of a man who tells you he only discovered that he loved you the moment you told him you were pregnant. = -9pts 
• For all you Office fans wondering what Roy has been doing since he and Pam broke up, now you know: Entertaining audiences with Vince Vaughn in the hopes of banging his wife. = +5pts. 
• Nice call-back to the water-stain/empty eye-socket transition in episode 2. = +6pts 
• The look of befuddled indifference on Velcro Jr.'s face upon receiving the beloved family heirloom his grandfather tried to throw away last episode. = +3pts 
• A police raid aimed at apprehending a suspect in the Caspere case ends in a body count that rivals a Chicago summer. = +30pts (To quote Maria Bamford, "That must be funny, because no one is taking it that seriously.") 

Total Score = +24pts
Season Score = +88pts

The unbridled carnage of the closing set piece was exactly what we needed at this point in the series. It was tense, brutal, and unrelenting, and it finally gave us some relief from the pitched brood-off that has soaked up so much of the series up to now. Here's hoping the remainder of the series gives us more of that and less of our four main characters looking constipated.

True Detective Season 2, Episode 3

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Look it's a long season. Sometimes you just gotta let the nanobots do what they gotta do.

• Opening any show with a fake Elvis-h guy singing Bette Midler's "The Rose". = +5pts (Or was that Conway Twitty? Wait, did Conway Twitty have an Elvis phase?!)
• If your life flashes before your eyes before you die, then Detective Velcro had one shitty life. = +4pts (For getting out while he could.)
• Big death fake-outs. = -20pts (Nanobots will always retroactively retract all points associated with any attempt to reverse a good Janet Leigh.)
• Making up for it by having the human decency to piss yourself. = +1pts
• Blaming your erectile dysfunction on your incredibly fertile sperm. = -2pts
• Treating your eye problems with a plastic bag full of marijuana vapor. = +4pts (Cataracts are a national crisis, people!)
• Bragging about talking jive to a couple of LA cops. = +3pts (For boldly tempting fate.)
• Talking jive post Airplane. = -4pts
• It wouldn't be a season of True Detective if every person in a position of authority above the detectives wasn't a steaming pile of crapsauce. = +2pts
• Having Remo Williams as your dad. = +10pts
• Pulling an Exorcist-like head turn in an effort to avert the eyes of a gay person in order to demonstrate how gay you aren't. = -5pts
• "What kind of way is that to greet the world?" = +5pts

Episode Score: +3pts
Season Score: +64pts

Fine, we admit it: Having Colin Farrel is vitally important to the life on this show. Still, the nanobots were disappointed by the lack of ambition demonstrated by such a fake-out.

Not a lot happened this episode. So, rather than talk about that, we'd like to give a special shout-out to Kelly Reilly, who plays Vince Vaughn's wanna be baby mamma. Reilly has held her own, if not completely owned every scene she's been in. She's been so good that she can own a scene simply by sitting by herself across the room at an empty craps table. She's demonstrably feminine, incredibly sexy, and there's no question as to why Vince Vaughn's Frank Semyon remains captivated by her after all these years. In fact, to say that, after three episodes, she's the sexiest thing this season, is really saying something when you consider the show has also featured Tim Riggin's butt.

EXCLUSIVE: A First Look at Netflix's Fuller House

screenrant.com

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

Hey, aging millennials, who's stoked about the upcoming Netflix reboot of our fave family sitcom Full House? The nanobots sure are! That's why, ever since the series was announced, they've been combing the internet for any scrap of information they could find on what DJ, her sisters, and her wacky uncles have been up to (We all know how Bob Saget has kept busy). Well, good news for them (and you, loyal Scorehards): We've just obtained EXCLUSIVE access to a scene from the shooting script for the upcoming pilot. As you've surely heard by now, the series will follow a newly widowed DJ Tanner, mother of two with her third on the way, as she seeks help from her sister Stephanie and her best friend Kimmy to get through a trying time. Sounds like there will be plenty of feels along with all the laughs!

So, without further ado, let's take a peek at what the Tanners will be up to in 2016.

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INT - The living room of a moderately sized home in San Francisco.

It's morning, but the room itself is pitch black. The lights are off, the curtains drawn. Slouched in a recliner is DJ TANNER, 6 months pregnant. In her left hand is a bottle cheap whiskey; in her right hand, a cigarette smoked nearly to the filter. She stubs the smoldering cigarette out in an ashtray overflowing with butts and picks up a revolver sitting next to it.

DJ

Is today the day, old friend?

DJ pops open the cylinder to verify that it contains a single bullet. In a fluid, practiced motion, she spins the cylinder and snaps it shut. Pushing the revolver to her temple, she squeezes her eyes shut and draws back the hammer.

DJ

Time to find out.

Inhaling sharply, DJ pulls the trigger. The hammer falls on an empty chamber with click. DJ's eyes snap open, sadness and relief warring across her features.

DJ picks up a hinged double frame containing two pictures. On the left side is a photo of a woman in her mid-30s, hair and clothing indicating the picture must have been taken some time in the late '80s. The photo in the right-hand frame, a more recent one, is of a man in his early '30s.

DJ

Not this time, Mom.

DJ tenderly caresses the photo of the man with her thumb.

DJ

Not this time, baby.

In the background we hear a noise like little feet stumbling down a staircase.

LITTLE DANNY (OFF-SCREEN)

Mommy!

DJ stows the revolver underneath the recliner just in time for a four-year-old boy, LITTLE DANNY to enter the living room. He is full of energy and enthusiasm but sees something in his mother that gives him pause.

LITTLE DANNY

Mommy, I need help tying my shoes-- 

Mommy? Is everything okay?          

DJ gets to her feet and sweeps up the whiskey bottle and ashtray in her hands, turning her back towards her son.

DJ

Everything is fine, honey. Mommy has 

to clean up a little. Your aunt      

Stephanie and Mommy's friend Kimmy   
are coming to stay with us for a     
while. They're going to be here any  
minute.                              

LITTLE DANNY

I need help tying my shoes so I can 
get ready for school.               

DJ

GOD DAMN IT, DANNY! I said I'm busy! 
Go back upstairs and ask your brother
to help you!                         

Ashamed by her outburst and trying to hide her tears, DJ makes a quick break for the kitchen, leaving Little Danny alone in the darkened living room.

LITTLE DANNY

How rude!

Cut to opening credit sequence."Everywhere You Look" plays over an aerial shot of Golden Gate Bridge.

*****

Wow! What an opening! We can't wait to experience the hijinks of this new Tanner clan. Reading this, it was almost like we were ten years old again, and all the intervening years of adulthood were just some horrible, soul-crushing nightmare!

Stay tuned to the Scorecard for more breaking news on Fuller House; we're you're one-stop nostalgia shop!

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