Sorority House Massacre

 

(Editor's Note for Pervs: Neither of the people in this poster, or anyone who looks like them, ever appeared in this movie. Nor is there a final exam/quiz of any kind.)

If we told you that there was a movie out there that took the cast-offs of Revenge of the Nerds, combined them with snippets from the plots of better horror movies, and mixed it all together with whatever sharp implements hadn’t been taken by better (more iconic) maniacs, would you be as excited as we were to watch it? Probably not. But hey, this is a calling for us. Not some trumped up hobby. We leave it to science. Which must mean that it’s time for the nanobots to get deep into the Neapolitan focus group horror fest that is Sorority House Massacre.

• Starting your horror movie with your own version of the Halloween music. = -8pts (-1pt for every year between your movie and the original Halloween.)
• Apparently blood splatter sounds a lot like blowing up an asteroid from the arcade game Asteroids. = -2pts
• “It must have all started the moment I entered the house.” A good sign that Beth, our heroine, has a grasp on the complete picture. = -1pts
• Your sole survivor/narrator slowly walking up to the front door of a sorority house at night with crazy eyes. Call us crazy, but we think this story actually began many years ago. = -2pts
• Soft-glo daylight dream effects courtesy of Elm St. productions. = +3pts
• Wait, You live in this house? WTF, Beth?! = -3pts
• So, apparently, Beth is still being nagged by some girl to join the sorority, who makes a compelling case for doing so by changing in front of her as opposed to, you know, pointing out the fact that Beth’s been living there for a while and should put up or shut up. = +2pts
• Having a poster featuring a triptych of your “hot crushes” hanging in your dorm room. = +3pts
• The center of the “hot crush” triptych being Sting circa Dune. = -5pts
• Nothing says mounting terror like slow walking. = -2pts
• Pre-00s Tech Alert: TVs you can put stuff on. = +8pts
• So a dirty room and a broken jar of marbles are your big scares? Who’s your big bad, Macauly Culkin? = -3pts
• Nope, it looks like the only big bad left in Hollywood is whomever you hired to carry the boom mike. = +5pts (For taking non-descript to a whole other level.)
• To quote the great Clark Griswald, “First boobs in, first boobs murdered with a hunting knife.” = +2pts
• Linda saves Cindy’s life by letting her borrow her jacket. We think, given the politics of this movie, letting her borrow her hyman would have been better. = +8pts (For at least making an effort.)
• Beth could use some “major fun” this weekend. Too bad she fails Step 1: Dressing and acting like a woman in college. = -2pts
• Using fake science and pseudo-psychology as padding for the first twenty minutes of your movie. = -5pts (We take science seriously.)
• 1986: When all you had to do to be a lady doctor was look like an LA Gear model while wearing a pair of giant glasses. = +3pts
• Carrying books to class. How quaint. = +3pts
• We’re not sure if the guy in the insane asylum is crazy or starring in his own music video. = +4pts (Because both are great choices for a horror movie.)
• Casting your drug dealers as orderlies for your low-budget horror movie. = +10pts (In any decade.)

  

• Reading Cosmo in a horror movie instead of watching documentary… about death. = (In 1986, -3pts; In 2014, +10pts) +7pts
• Beth pops a knifey (knife boner) in class and hopes nobody sees because that would be totally embarrassing. = +6pts
• Setting you movie in a college around a sorority, when it is clear that you have never been to or experienced either. = +7pts (Because writing what you know is overrated.)
• Nothing gets the old lady’s juices flowing quite like talk of dead kittens. = -3pts
• Keeping your spare key in the basement. = -5pts
• Operating a brain wave thingamabob that looks like a giant register from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. = +4pts

 

• Twisted Sister sighting. = (In 1986, -5pts; In 2014, +6pts) +1pt
• Nothing gives sorority girls an excuse to take their tops off quite like a roommate leaving her closet unattended! = -4pts (Because stealing is bad.)
• Beth has no interest in trying on missing girl’s clothes because she is too busy looking like a boy and trying to hide her embarrassing mind boners. = -2pts
• Wearing a Walkman while delivering food to a crazy person who murdered his family. The only thing worse than that would be to blithely turn you back and—oh, wait. Never mind. Moving on… = -2pts
• “Look, the guy in your dream probably represents the opposite sex.” Really?! Fascinating analysis! Go on. “And, your butch haircut and steadfast insistence on only wearing pants, as well as your penchant for popping knife boners in class, probably means that your batshit crazy and we should all leave right now.” Really. Mmmm… = +2pts
• Just when you thought everyone would be fine, Tracey opens the sorority house for massacre by inviting these guys over. = -5pts

•  Being a white sorority girl who says, “It’s time to put some ‘wow’ in the “pow wow,” while standing in front of a life-sized replica of a Native American. We think the Native Americans were pretty good at adding their own pows to their wows, thank you very much. = -5pts
• Escaped crazy person does his best Trevor impersonation and exploits the open world that is Sandy Shores, or wherever the hell this movie takes place. = +2pts
• Laughing at a woman who’s just screamed as you and your guy buddies corner/sneak-up behind them. = -3pts
• Just to reiterate. These guys. = -4pts

  

• Dude makes reference to throwing a tee-pee party and nobody laughs, or tags it with “in our pants!” = -5pts (Failure all around.)
• Watching a group of white “college kids” laugh as their tee-pee falls to the ground in front of a Native America statue. = -4pts (If this was Creepshow 2 you’d all be fucked.)
• Beth “dating” a “guy” that looks exactly like her, thus inventing the now infamous game, Beth or Boyfriend. = +5pts
• Beth?!

• Or Boyfriend?

• “He’s not missing. He’s gone.” You couldn’t have said it better if had you had said the same thing a different way. = +2pts
• Having your maniac kill his parents using a…pickaxe! (You know, because machete, chef’s knife, axe, shovel, chainsaw, and lasers were already taken.) = -1pts
• '80s phrase, “I’m sorry I wasn’t much fun tonight,” translated for 2014 means, “I’m sorry my webcam is broken so that we can’t film ourselves fucking this Native American statue for our sex blog. Maybe tomorrow.” = +2pts
• Craig takes one to the nuts for the team…

 

…thus sacrificing his manhood briefly before the universe realigns itself and he decides to desecrate Chief Genocide’s teepee. = 0pts (+10pts for sacrificing his manstuff; -10pts for pervasive cultural insensitivity.)

• Putting a fire out with baking soda. = +3pts
• Treating an unearthed murder weapon with as much respect as you treat Native American culture. = -5pts
• Letting a sorority girl hypnotize you in order to unlock—you know what, just letting a sorority girl hypnotize you in general.  = -3pts
• In case you’ve ever wondered why all the best horror maniacs seemed to favor larger weapons, look no further than the scene where our sad maniac hacks away pitifully at a teepee with his hunting knife for what feels like three hours. = -3pts (We would have linked to this clip, but it was deemed too boring by the internet. Editor's Note: Culkin would have crushed this scene.)

•  '80s Maniac Mandatory Job Skill: Proficiency in the intricacies of telecommunication infrastructure and service. = +2pts
• Hey, it’s Rd. 2 of your favorite game Beth or Boyfriend!

• Keeping a collapsible fire ladder under your sorority bed. Clearly this sorority house has seen a lot of college. = +3pts
• Not noticing the killer walk up on your friend holding the ladder despite three pairs of eyes watching from an elevated position. = -6pts
• Spraying mace on a maniac’s hands. Just like they tell you to do in the instructions! = -5pts
• '80s Maniac Mandatory Job Skill: Proficiency in corpse shui, or the strategic placing bodies in front of doors, inside hiding closets, driver’s seat. = +4pts
• Surviving sorority girls turn corner and scream at the site of a strategically placed Chief Genocide, who despite having apparently armed himself for battle with a spear, is immediately abandoned. Poor Chief Genocide. = -4pts
• We had a hint that brick you hurled at the maniac would have no effect by how effortlessly it left your tiny hand, Janet. = -2pts
• Running back inside the house while your friend is stabbed to death as opposed to taking the opportunity to run past said murderer and to safety. = +2pts (For covering the classics.)
• Following that bit of genius by running to the basement for that deus ex spare key. = +4pts (For doubling down!)
• Screaming at a sleeping bag… = -2pts
• …after seeing all of your friends brutally stabbed. = -4pts
• Turning you back on a maniac. Didn’t we score this already? = 0pts

Total Score:-7pts
Available on: Netflix, Amazon, Youtube, as payment for landscaping (Orange County, Home Depots, only)

There was some discussion amongst the technicians that Sorority House Massacre was significant for being an '80s horror movie directed by a woman. After an intense investigation that consisted of visiting the movie’s barren IMDB page, we remain unconvinced that this movie was actually directed by anyone. You might say it takes a special skill to make a 70-minutes feel like 170-minutes. Apparently not. Stuff your movie with bad pop psychology, characters plucked from the bargain bin of '80s “types,” logistically ridiculous and unspectacular deaths perpetrated by the most bland and unterrifying maniac ever committed to film, and you’re halfway there! If science has proven anything, it’s that anyone can make a bad movie, but it takes talent to make a good bad one.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Gotham (Pilot)

 

Gotham, the new show from the guy who stole the idea from his last show (The Mentalist) from a far superior one (Psyche), and who also created Rome, a decent two season show based on the far superior 1300 years of history. Rumor has it that Gotham is the backstory of the city featured in that famous Jude Law film Captain Sky and the World of Tomorrow. How would the nanobots view such a show, when we all know how suspicious they are of nostalgia? There's only one way to find out. BRING OUT THE ZEPPELINS!!

• Young woman sporting Daryn Cooke-style goggles does what street urchins in Gotham do: leap from rooftop to rooftop, steal groceries, pick pockets, and out-leap grown adults onto back alley fire-escapes. = +3pts
• Shooting a kid's parents in front of him and then peace-outting. = -2pts
• It's gonna take a tough cop like Jim Gordon to teach these yabbos at GCPD how to not let a deranged frittata easily steal your gun and hold everyone at the precinct hostage. No wonder crime is so prevalent. This town doesn't need a Batman, it needs a better HR department. = +4pts
• Harvey Bullock (better known as Hank Dolworth from Terriers) advises Gordon to shoot anyone who takes a cop's gun, which officially places GCPD one rung above the Ferguson police department where cops are advised to shoot anyone who's black and doesn't have one. = +5pts
• Wait, do any black people live in Gotham? I guess we now know how Gotham became comicdom's most corrupt city! = (-10pts for lack of diversity; +25pts for it all making sense now) +15pts
• Maurice Levy from The Wire is an even sketchier cop that he was a lawyer. = +3pts
• Jim Gordon hedges his bets and, around 2AM, promises a young Bruce Wayne that there will be light soon. With that kind of detective work, it's no wonder Bruce Wayne's parent's murder went unsolved. = -5pts (You Joe Chill apologists can take a flying leap for all we care.)
• Bullock's use of "homes" and "mopes" and the phrase "pill-head mooney bird" really captures the 80-year history of the Batman.= +8pts
• Gordon and Bullock run down all the muggers in Gotham, who apparently must spend a lot of time on Foursqare because it takes all of 30-seconds before exhausting all their leads. = +2pts
• The Riddler as annoying lab tech? Thank God counseling/psyche evaluations haven't hit Gotham PD in...Wait, what year does this take place? Do they even have years in Gotham? = -2pts
• It's good to know that a harscrabble Gotham Lt. can still earn enough money to by that penthouse with all the marble and the giant fireplace. = -5pts
• Wait, it's his girlfriend's place? = +10pts
• But she made her money as an art dealer? = -15pts
• Minority Alert: Jada Pinkett Smith as badass black mob heavy. = +5pts
• Calling her Fish Mooney. = -10pts (Just keep saying it over and over again.)
• Mario Pepper solidifies his badass reputation by fleeing the cops and terrorizing Asian sweatshops. = -1pt
• If there's one thing this show nails, it's the hidden lesbian relationship between Barbara Gordon and Detective Montoya, or what most die-hard Batfans call "What precipitated Year One." = +2pts
• Having your own gimp butcher. = +5pts
• Putting all of your adult bullshit onto a kid who's just seen his parents murdered in front of him. = -3pts
• We're not sure if this young woman stalking Bruce Wayne is a young Selina Kyle, or just some kid engaged in an epic game of hot lava. No seriously, it's just the ground. You can walk on it if you want to, we promise. = -1pt

Wow. Call us crazy, but the world of Captain Sky seems a lot like the world of Batman. We should really do our homework before doing these. This can't be good for science. One second...

Okay. So, apparently, Gotham is about the Gotham made famous by Tory filmmaker Christopher Nolan and a bunch of funny books. Knowing that, we'd have to say that Ben Mackenzie, who we will refer to here on out as "Young Russell Crowe, or Maximus Juniorus" for any future scorecards, is a solid presence, only made more solid by the ever awesome Donal Logue, as Harvey Bullock. Jada Pinkett Smith is pretty great as the only black person in Gotham with an unfortunately derogatory name. And seeing all those guys from The Wire pop up is always nice. We're a bit skeptical/exhausted at the pilot's need to cram almost every significant Batman villain into some kind of walk-on. It would have been nice to focus on a few villains now and let the rest of them be teased out over the length of the show, to show up in organic and surprising ways, but instead we're already jammed up on actors playing characters that they will likely have to find subplots for in order to validate their contracts. But whatevs, it's just a pilot, dude. It's not Lost or anything.

Total Score: +13pts

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

Man of Tai Chi

Keanu sets himself up for the acting challenge of his career as he directs himself as a creepy millionaire living in China who is so bored and decadent with his wealth that all he cares about is an illegal underground fighting league where honor means nothing and blood incites sexual innuendo. #HedonismBot. Also he videotapes all the fighting and sells it on the internet PPV style. What could go wrong?

• "I'll have your badge" scene in Beijing, China: the chief only uses English when his instinct-driven detective is bringing dishonor to the sanctity of the police department. = -10pts 
• Preorder Mortal Kombat X today to secure your exclusive access to playable Keanu Reeves character and posable action figurine that says the first words of the film: "Finish Him.” = +10pts 
• "You are not controlling your chi. Your chi is controlling you." = -4pts 
• "Where is your unfinished chi?" "I feel good, I released my chi." = +15pts 
• Televised martial arts competition is almost like WWE - lots of pageantry and an unshakable feeling that the outcome is predetermined. = +4pts
• Bumbling cliche of a bike courier by day, man of tai chi by night - Tiger Chen (As himself). = -5pts 
• Keanu gets no lines longer than 6 words. = +20pts 
• All corporate job interviews should be like they are in this movie: First person to critically maim the other person gets the job. = +6pts 
• …Also the fight/job interview takes place in front of a two-way mirror, presumably so Keanu can masturbate with a belt around his neck in privacy. = -15pts 
• The inevitability of someone getting thrown through the two-way mirror and catching Keanu in the act. = +10pts 
• Sports Announcer: "He used a soft style in a hard way." Keanu (watching from his hidden voyeur dungeon) "He has it in him." = -5pts 
• You know you've made it as a serious tai chi man when you get taken to swanky sex and drugs parties to perform in front of live audiences. = +5pts 
• …The strobe-light fight scene lets you know this is a particularly classy sex and drugs party. = -2pts 
•  If you enjoy the score from Final Fantasy 7 or if you fancy the opera, then you're in for a welcomed surprise during the more epic fight scenes. = -4pts 
• Brush your teeth and visit the dentist twice a year. = -20pts 

• Contrary to depictions of tai chi in movies like Hot Rod, there is no move that makes someone randomly shit their pants for no reason. = -7pts 
• Fortunately Andy Samberg is not in this movie. = +15pts
• ...And there is a move that lets someone start to walk away and then randomly spit clear liquid on the ground for no reason. = +3pts 
• Can't tell the difference between Keanu's scornful laughter and the sound he makes while reflecting on how the choices he made as a child contributed to his acute existential self-loathing. = +0pts 
• We feel that there is an insensitive comment to be made about Asian women drivers, but we here at the PCS find such comments deplorable. Instead we prefer to take advantage of this chance for a public service announcement: Do not text and drive! = -10pts 
• Matrix-style fight scene where Keanu gets to relive moments of Neo's past glory and make Nicolas Cage look like Steve Guttenberg on Dancing with the Stars. = +5pts 

Total Score =  +11pts
Available on: Netflix Streaming, seedy internet pay-per-view

If you are a shameless fanboy of the kung-fu movie genre, you might open your mouth this wide as you yawn your way from fight scene to fight scene.

While there isn’t quite as much wire-work as Mortal Kombat X will inevitably rely on, Man of Tai Chi can more or less be summarized by watching that Youtube video where people take tai chi classes because some snake-oil peddler pretends to go into seizures when they shoot him with a hadouken or kamehameha or whatever the parlance may be.

Score Technician: Kellan Deardorff

INTERVIEW: Roger Goodell speaks!

Thanks to our dedicated readers, the PCS was lucky enough to score an interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Below is a transcript of that interview.

SC: We’d like to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions.
RG: How did you find me?

SC: Um, that’s a funny story actually! Apparently, people don’t know that you write down all your important information on the bottom of your patent leather shoes. Phone numbers, passwords, anniversaries, family birthdays, Swiss bank accounts. Lucky for us, most of our readers are professional shoe shiners, so when you mysteriously failed to attend the opening game at San Francisco’s billion dollar new stadium this past Sunday night, it was only a matter of time before they reached out to us with the numbers to your burner cells. From there it was pretty easy.
RG: That makes a lot of sense. You think technology would have come up with a better way to store such precious information! Oh well, you have me now. What can I do you for?

SC: Well, first off, we wanted to ask you how life has been for you given this last week in the NFL? Things have gotten pretty rough.
RG: That’s a good question. I think when this story first broke, nobody thought about me, or how it would affect my family.

SC: How so?
RG: Well, what a lot of people don’t understand is that I only became commissioner of the NFL because my father was a prominent Senator back in the day. Like most children, I spent my teenage years swearing that I’d rebel against his oppressive views on worker and civil rights.  It started as a crazy idea cooked up with some of my boarding school mates: the idea of working for an organization that cared little for the health and well-being of the people who accounted for its revenue and popularity, who marketed a product that, at the time, women only understood as the thing that kept their husbands off of them right after church. And it turned out to be quite attainable if your father was a big time senator and your only skills were shotgunning a beer and downing a bottle of Tobasco sauce.

SC: Interesting. Can you explain how you were hired initially for the NFL, and then talk a bit about your career within the organization?
RG: Sure. Step one was easy. A young man need only be driven home from all-night marathons of binge-drinking and anonymous sex so many times before his wealthy father acquiesces and calls in a favor with the NFL hiring commission. I remember the two questions my supervisor asked me during my interview. “Are you a communist?” and “Hypothetically speaking, if you read a report that confirmed the link between dementia and football, would you share this report with anyone other than your office shredder?” Man, it’s like it was yesterday!

SC: And your answers?
RG: “No.” And, “What report on brain damage?”

SC: Wow, that’s really clever!
RG: You’re telling me! I’ve always been clever like that. I’m also good at telling jokes.

SC: Really? Would you mind telling us one of your jokes?
RG: You bet. “What do you call a retired offensive lineman who’s contemplating suicide as a result of brain trauma?”

SC: Um, what?
RG: “Ready to play!” Ha, man I wish people could see how funny I am. All the people who work for me say I’m the funniest guy they know.

SC: I bet. So how did you make it to Commissioner of one of the most profitable leagues in the world?
RG: Well, the first thing you learn is that the Commissioner is always right. He’s always the smartest and funniest guy in the room. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t be commissioner. It’s like this for any CEO really. CEOs are always the coolest, most popular, and most well-liked of all the business-type people. Otherwise they’d be terrible CEOs! That’s like Business 304. That’s a class right? I think it’s a class. Who cares, I was never a “taking a class kind of guy.” Anyway, I saw a lot of guys lose their jobs or face an early retirement, because they would raise questions about the direction of the League, or use terms like “decent,” “humane,” or “borderline criminal neglect” when making a point as to why the League should or shouldn’t do something.  Those guys just didn’t last long. People in charge like to hear that they are doing a good job, and they like to see that behavior echoed in their underlings—wait, is that the proper word to describe people who work for you? I think it is.

SC: We’ll go with it.
RG: See, that’s great! You’d fit in perfectly at the NFL! The second thing is the owners. I think one of the big things that’s been blown out of proportion about this whole things is the idea that I’m some all-powerful tyrant who makes the sun set in the East every night.

SC: The west.
RG: Excuse me?

SC: Never mind, continue.
RG: Great! So, what they don’t understand is that I’m just like everybody else. I only make  44-million dollars a year. People think that’s a lot of money. But the owners, they make, like, a bajoomble dollars a year. I mean, I go into meetings where everyone’s talking about their airstream, or their yachts, and I have a yacht, but it’s not an owner-like yacht. I’m only allowed to keep my job if the bajoomble-aires keep making money. Look, the way I’ve always said it, is that I’m no different than the guy managing a fast-food joint.  I have bosses who need to make sure the fries are still getting made, even if there’s an occasional grease fire or an employee is shot on his way into work that day. People are still coming to the cash register and wanting their fries. That doesn’t stop. So there really isn’t a lot of difference between me and your average fast food worker. I’m just a cog in a larger system.

SC: What would you say has changed most about the job since you took it?
RG: Wow, that one’s easy. It used to be you knew your audience and who you were talking to and you could give that person the answer they wanted. Nowadays people look at your answers and compare them to your other answers and then make a big deal about when one answer is the exact opposite of the other.

SC: Or completely untruthful.
RG: Don’t even get me started on the truth! Man, people have such a bug up their butts about the truth! Since when has a commissioner ever been expected to be transparent or truthful? Like, never. My dad was a politician. People just always assumed he was lying. I don’t see why it’s still a big deal in America nowadays that a powerful figure is lying to them. You would have thought we’d finally transcended this as a society, but then again here we are. I have to say it's gotten better though. Back then you used to lose your job for lying. Now they call you an artist. In a few weeks people will move on to something else, and I'll be back to wearing power suits and cracking hilarious jokes.

SC: So how do you respond to criticisms of your handling of the Ray Rice or Greg Hardy situations?
RG: Honestly, I never much understood our culture of victimhood in this country. But I get it now. I really do. I mean, being held accountable for what I knew and when I knew it has really given me real insight into what all these “women” and “Native Americans” are talking about. I have a mother. I was born in America. We’re all the same. I mean, I didn’t hit Ray Rice’s wife. And we can only even say that phrase because of this new video we received last April. There was a lot of wiggle room there when we initially looked into it. Ray Rice may have said “I punched my wife and she hit her head on the elevator and that’s how she was knocked unconscious.” And he may have said, “My lawyer has the tape and you can look at it if you don’t believe me,” but did he say it with his eyes? Hard to say. I’d say no. In that case, I’m as much a victim of this incident as Ray’s wife was. I mean, I’m the commissioner of the NFL and that doesn’t seem to be good enough for people. Somehow I did something wrong because I half-heartedly pursued a line of inquiry into an event that occurred off the field. Since when did that a requirement of my job? I mean, if anyone should consider libelous litigation, it’s me.

SC: Are you concerned about the response women have had towards the League in general after this incident?
RG: Look, everyone knows that women love football. Nothing is more sexy to a man that the sight of his woman wearing the jersey of the player he wishes he was in real life. Men love women who love the players/men they wish they could be. I put a lot of this on the media. I’ve never met a woman who’s ever said, “Roger, you need to do something about domestic violence.” Women can take responsibility for things in that area. They have a way of shutting that whole thing down.

SC: Wait, women have the ability to “shut down” domestic violence?
RG: I mean, they can take the appropriate steps. If we learned anything about this whole mess it’s that they should do more than report it to the police, leave it to clear security footage and eye witness reports. I mean, at some point they have to accept responsibility for how they want to be treated. This isn’t just my thoughts. Many of our owners and players echo the same things. They say, “Roger, if my sidepiece wants to step up and cause drama, she knows she’ll no longer be my sidepiece. You know what I’m sayin?” And I do know. I do know what they are saying.

SC: But what about the wives and girlfriends? Or when children are involved?
RG: Isn’t sidepiece a hip term for wife or girlfriend?

SC: ….
RG: …

SC: So moving on. Let’s hit a couple of rapid fire topics.
RG: Sounds good. I’m much better at only talking in brief spurts of throwaway observations. Complex answers are not my strong suit.

SC: Noted! Okay, Native Americans and the name Redskins?
RG: Honestly, in another hundred years, who’s gonna complain. Am I right?

SC: NFL players union?
RG: Never heard of them.

SC: Barack Obama?
RG: Dead and at the bottom of some ocean. Great movie! I support our troops. God bless, America.

SC: Breast Cancer Awareness.
RG: Merchandising.

SC: Feminsim?
RG: Something that should remain between a man and a woman.

SC: Sportswriter?
RG: Fan.

SC: Media
RG: Whiney.

SC: Money?
RG: God. At least according to what's in my wallet.

SC: Okay, commissioner, we’d like to thank you for giving some time to our little website.
RG: Sure, sure. But before I go, I just want to say that this whole circus has been traumatic for me and my family. People have said a lot of mean things about me. They’ve thrown a lot of my own words into my face. But I can take it. It’s why I didn’t go to San Francisco this week. Mitt Romney taught me that the only way you can ever get past these kinds of things, is to simply tune them out and keep moving forward. It’s why I’ve made the conscious effort to limit my exposure only to friendly members of the press and the sizeable domestic staff of my palatial beach home. Because this isn’t a story about me. It’s not a story at all, really. Which I think is the biggest tragedy here. People shouldn’t be asking, “What should the NFL be doing to combat domestic abuse.” People should be saying, “Domestic abuse? Who cares, we got a shot at the Super Bowl!” That’s really my role as commissioner, to be sure that’s the conversation we’re having. Hopefully this interview is the first step in spreading that message.

SC: Right, well, we’re sure it’ll spread something all right.

Score Technician: Sean McConnell

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard Presents: Nine Tips for Caring for Introverts

Thanks to the internet, we now know about these things called "introverts." There are all kinds of helpful guides to understanding them floating around out there (For instance, did you know that you shouldn't push an introvert down the stairs and then take his/her lunch money?). But these guides seldom go far enough. With the help of the nanobots, we have crafted a definitive list of little-known facts that will help you properly care for and nurture the introverts in your life.

Photo by Abdulla al Muhairi, edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution 2.0 license.

Photo by Institute of Network Culture,
edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution-share alike 2.0 license.

Photo by crystalwasson08, edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution 2.0 license.

Photo by Gregory Bodnar,
edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution-share alike 2.0 license.

Photo by martinak15, edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution 2.0 license.

Photo by Brian, edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution 2.0 license.

Photo by Wise Droid, edited under terms of Creative Commons attribution-share alike 3.0 license.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling (Guest Technician: Amanda Hemmerling)

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

The '80s were a mixed bag of a decade when it came to pop culture. Some of the best and some of the worst spewed forth with equal measure from this volcanic dynamo of decades. The final year of the '80s (1989 for those of you who hate math), however, saw the advent of unforgettable films that, to this day, hold fond memories the world over.

Tim Burton's Batman, The Little Mermaid, and When Harry Met Sally are just the tip of the iceberg of amazing films from this cinematic treasure trove. There are also comedic goldmines like The 'Burbs, Uncle Buck, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Even cult classics like UHF, The Wizard, and Weekend at Bernie's still stand the test of time. Let's not forget the bonanza of sequels – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Back to the Future II, Ghostbusters II, and Lethal Weapon II – that effectively printed money for the box offices.

Even amidst these shining examples of cinematic achievement there stands a single movie that has yet to be surpassed in its excellence. That movie, ladies and gentlemen, is Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Let's take a journey through space, time, and logic with Bill S. Preson, Esquire and Ted “Theodore” Logan as two Wyld Stallyns from San Dimas trying their damnedest not to flunk their history class by looking to a cavalcade of historical figures for help. The movie stars Keanu Reeves, who isn't so much acting as he is being himself, Alex Winter, proving that Englishmen can talk with surfer accents just as well as they can with southern accents, and George Carlin as the totally bodacious mentor dude Rufus.

Are the nanobots ready for this most triumphant of adventures? We can see them doing air guitar under our microscopes, so we're going to take that as a confirmation.

• A diamond slowly approaches a clock to the sound of female-fronted synth-pop. For a moment, the nanobots think they're scoring another movie and briefly pause playing air guitar. = -3pts 
• '80s fashion alert: Bill's belly shirt and Ted's vest-over-a-Van-Halen-t-shirt-while-tying-your-jacket-around-your-waist ensemble. = -2pts 
• The Wyld Stallyns jam so triumphantly (or non-triumphantly, depending on how you look at it) that they blow their stereo equipment. Gnarly! = +3pts 
• All stalemate arguments should end with an air guitar solo while shouting, “EXCELLENT!” = +5pts 
• Bill and Ted are gonna flunk their most heinous history class unless they turn in a most triumphant oral report. But how ever will they do it in time? Guess the rest of the film will be about them studying really hard and triumphing over adversity through determination... psych! = +3pts 
• Ted wants to give Bill’s step-MILF a most triumphant oral report, if you get our drift – wink wink, nudge nudge. Also, so does Bill. Yuck? = +/-0 points 
• Ted’s dad-cop, with a visibly holstered pistol, threatens to send Ted to Alaskan military school if he fails history. He then changes his mind and enrolls Ted anyway. Harsh, dude! = -5pts 
• Cool ‘80s future tribunal send Rufus back in time in a phone booth powered by electricity and righteous guitar solos. = +7pts 
• Ted’s white whale hunting version of George Washington should be its own movie. He could, like, sail around the Delaware River looking for Moby Dick and then Mastodon would write a concept album about it. Totally tubular! = +12pts 
• When a man steps out of a phone booth that just magically appeared in front of you and your first thought is to ask him when the Mongols ruled China, flunking your history exam should really be the least of your worries. = -4pts 
• “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” = +7pts 
• Napoleon’s reaction to seeing Bill and Ted appear from the ether in their time booth: “Blow them up.” = +5pts 
• After being given the mystical abilities to travel time, Bill and Ted don't use it to find the winning lottery numbers, or try to kill Hitler, or submit to any time travel cliché. They just want to ask a bunch of old dead dudes about the past and stuff so that they can like totally continue rocking out with Wyld Stallyns. It's the simple things, dudes. = +4pts 
• What could go wrong with entrusting your little brother to watch a megalomaniacal dictator? (Spoiler: Nothing, really... Who would have guessed that?) = -4pts 
• 19th century New Mexico taverns totally don't card you for beers, dude! = +3pts 
• Bill and Ted get Billy the Kid involved in a knock-down drag-out bar brawl that starts with a hooker flying through a window and ends with Billy the Kid tossing around a Nerf football in ancient Greece. = +10pts 
• So-Crates gets his mind blown by Bill's recitation of soap opera philosophy. = +5pts 
• Bill and Ted see a medieval castle and don’t say anything about King Arthur. Bogus? = -3pts 
• In order to hook up with historical babes, the most excellent protagonists adorn themselves in plate mail and sneak into the castle but then get distracted by their bro-ness and have mock lightsaber fights with broadswords. = +15pts 
• Guards immediately stab Ted after he falls down a flight of stairs in a suit of armor that he took from the very castle that they were guarding. The middle ages weren't no joke! = -4pts 
• After surviving a run-in with a medieval dickweed, Bill realizes that Ted is alive; they embrace and then immediately call each other fags. +5 pts in 1989, -20pts in 2014. Total score = -15pts 
• While Iron Maiden in your ears is excellent, Iron Maiden on your body is bogus. = +6pts 
• History's most famous philosophizer and most infamous gunslinger rescue Bill and Ted from death by decapitation and then lead their escape through the streets of medieval England in a horse-drawn carriage. This sounds just as badass on paper as it did when it appeared on screen. = +20pts 
• Those living in a future built upon The Wyld Stallyns's ethos of being excellent to each other solemnly strum air guitar in a way that is not uncomfortable and creepy... psych! = -5pts 
• Just as Napoleon earned medals for conquering most of Europe, so too did he earn a Ziggy Piggy badge for eating the stomach-achiest of ice cream sundaes. = +8pts for how good the sundae looked, -4pts for the obnoxious waiters. Total score = +4pts 
• Sigmund Frood, Beeth-Oven, Noah’s wife, and Quintessential Asian Bad Guy Al Leong are unceremoniously wrenched from their timelines. Meanwhile, Abraham Lincoln (a lover of beautiful turns of phrase) can't resist the allure of a Candygram. = +11pts 
• Napoleon cheats at bowling, gets ditched by his babysitters, and then gets thrown out onto the street. He takes things about as well as you could imagine. = +6pts 
• Fixing the antennae of your time machine with pudding cans and gum chewed by history's greatest achievers. = +8pts 
• Need to show historical figures doing chores around the house to further the plot somehow? Better make it a montage! = +15pts 
• No one loves anything like Napoleon loves a water slide. = +7pts 
• Need to show historical figures getting arrested for anachronistic shenanigans? Better make it a montage that includes: 
• Siggy, Billy, and So-Crates embarrassing themselves in front of mall bimbos. = -3pts 
• Abraham Lincoln pushing down the Glamour Shots guy for trying to steal his hat. = +5pts 
• Joan of Arc claiming victory over an aerobics instructor. = +7pts 
• Beethoven playing every synthesizer in San Dimas at once. = +5pts 
• Ghengis Khan conquering the sporting goods outlet. = +6pts 
• Ted’s dad doesn’t know Abe Lincoln’s birthday, so who is he to get angry at his son for flunking history? = -3pts 
• So long as you, like, totally don't forget to do the thing that you said you did when you needed it to be done, you can make anything appear whenever you need it to. As Ted ingeniously points out, the thing you did wouldn't have been done if you forgot to do it, so you must have done it, right? Radical! = +10pts 
• '80s alert: punk with an enormous bleached mohawk smokes a cigarette indoors. = +2pts 
• Abe Lincoln may be impressed with San Dimas, but he wouldn’t be impressed with Santa Carla (because of all the damned vampires). = +3pts 
• Bill and Ted's plan to make history come alive completely works without any negative repercussions whatsoever. Bitchin'! = +20pts 
• You can tell a speech was good when audience members stop mid-applause to high five each other. = +4pts 
• Having The Great Emancipator gleefully and un-ironically proclaim, “Be awesome to each other... and party on, dudes!”= +12pts (Thanks, Candygram!)
• The moral of the story is that by getting good grades in school, kids can be like Bill and Ted and bag time-displaced princesses, sweet electric guitars, and contribute to the creation of a futuristic utopia. Cowabunga! = +25pts 

Total Score = +207pts
Available on Blu-Ray, Netflix, and adolescent slumber parties circa 1990.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure still holds up to be one of the best examples of how to correctly make a “Couple of Bros Get in Trouble” movie. Aside from laughing at both the dated references and how exaggerated the actors' performances are, the movie is chock-full of situational comedy that's funny regardless of where in the timestream you find yourself. Given that the nanobots are still playing imaginary guitars at each other, we can only label this film as most triumphant. Remember – be awesome to each other... and party on, dudes!

Score Technician: TJ Geise

Constantine

The comic book character, John Constantine, originally made an appearance in DC Comics’ Swamp Thing. In 1988, he began starring in his own series entitled Hellblazer, which ran for 300 issues between 1988 and 2010, and he can currently be found in the DC Universe Publication Constantine. This film, starring Keanu Reeves as the title character, is just one of the many works that have spun off from that original series. Fans of the comic book series generally complain that this movie doesn’t have the bite of the comic book. Fans of the sci-fi/horror genre, however, seem to like the film just fine. So, who’s right? Let’s take the scientific approach and let the nanobots settle the Constantine dispute once and for all.

• We open on some box text about this movie’s Tchotchke of Importance-The Spear of Destiny. It has been missing since World War II, by the way, in case you need a reminder that Nazis were evil. We don’t. = -4pts 
• As two scavengers are poking around in the sand in a religious ruin in Mexico, Manuel hits the motherlode and discovers The Spear of Destiny wrapped up in a Nazi flag. Unseen forces take control of Manuel and walk him right in front of a moving car. Whoopsie. = +2pts. 
• The car, however, is completely destroyed and Manuel keeps right on going ‘cause Manuel’s got shit to do. = +4pts. 
• John Constantine arrives at an L.A. tenement to perform an exorcism on a girl. This movie doesn’t go in for that “maybe they’re possessed, maybe it’s a mental condition” shit. This girl is fucking possessed. = +8pts. 
• Constantine’s apprentice is Shia LaBeouf. Please take a moment to watch this very important PSA about Shia. It may save your life one day. = +7pts.
  
• Constantine lives above a bowling alley. Even so, his apartment isn’t as sad as that statement implies. = +2pts 
• OK, it’s mostly that sad.= -1pt 
• Constantine smokes in a manner that Don Draper would consider a cry for help. = -7pts. 
• Angela, the movie’s female lead, discovers that her twin sister, Isabel, has committed suicide while she was committed to the psychiatric ward of Ravenscar Hospital. Meanwhile, in Ravenscar’s Oncology Dept., Constantine is told that he is dying. We’ve gotten better news at BurnedGrandpaBabyCancer Hospital. = -5pts 
• Manuel continues his pilgrimage on foot. Hey, it ain’t The Kite of Destiny. = +9pts 
• Gotta admit, we were not expecting Tilda Swinton to be in this movie. = +11pts. 
• When the Catholic Church denies Isabel Catholic funeral rites due to her suicide even though she was a mental patient, we realize that the writers of this film have created fictional Catholics even more strict than the real ones. = +2pts 
• On the Grumpy Scale, where 1 is how your Grandpa feels about taking his pills and 10 is how Batman feels about the guys who killed his parents, Constantine comes in at about a 9. = +7pts. 
• Papa Midnite – the pimp daddy of morally neutral, Voodoo Witchdoctor, supernatural nightclub owners. = +13pts. 

• One of the more interesting features of Constantine’s bowling alley apartment is the wall lined with 5 gallon water bottles filled with holy water. He must have a connection with a supernatural Culligan Man. = +2pts. 
• When Angela first experiences real “I saw it with my own eyes” proof that Demons exist, she vomits. Pretty sure we would have the same reaction. = +6pts. 
• Angela is 100% positive that Isabel wouldn’t commit suicide yet can’t prove it. Constantine’s answer to the problem? “Let’s see if she’s in Hell.” You gotta love a can-do type of guy! = +4pts. 
• Constantine enlists the help of Isabel’s cat to assist him in his journey to Hell. The cat makes it through the ritual completely unharmed because not even John Constantine is a big enough dick to use an animal sacrifice. = +3pts. 
• Finally, Constantine is putting some food in his smoke-hole. = +9pts 
• Constantine’s friends consist of Father Hennessy, an alcoholic Irish Priest and Beeman, lover of insects. And the award for Most Obvious Character Names in All of Cinema goes to… = -4pts. 
• Beeman has a serious collection of weapons of holy smiting in his workshop, which is located in the same bowling alley that Constantine lives in. One wonders where the owner of this bowling alley was advertising for tenants--Supernatural Weirdo Weekly? = -3pts. 
• Turns out Beeman is also the bestower of Arcane Knowledge of Plot Development. He lays out that the goal of the evil-doers is to bring forth Mammon, the son of Lucifer, onto Earth as Mammon makes a power play over his father, kind-of like Game of Thrones’ Tyrion and Tywin, only less evil. = +6pts. 
• Keanu’s detached acting style really pays off here. John Constantine – zero fucks given. = +18pts. 
• When John Constantine gives you a protection amulet and calls it, “your bullet-proof vest,” maybe you make sure you don’t leave it in the car. Just sayin’= -9pts 
• Balthazar, a half-breed demon, is played by Gavin Rossdale, the lead singer for Bush. If you feel that you have heard that “Glycerine” song one too many times in your lifetime, Constantine’s got you covered. = +17pts.

• Remember The Spear of Destiny? It’s back in play! = -2pts. 
• In order to find The Spear, Constantine and Midnite perform some freaky mojo with the electric chair that used to be at Sing Sing Correctional Facility. This gives them a psychic-eye montage of Manuel’s journey to the Promised Land, which is kind-of like American Tale II: Lord of the Dead. = +10pts. 
• Manuel’s journey ends at good ol’ Ravenscar Hospital, which is now overrun with half-breed demons. Agents of Evil = worst coyotajes, ever. = +6pts. 
• Remember Chas? He’s back in play! = -5pts. 
• When Angela is attacked by Manuel at Ravenscar, she shoots him with the gold-standard of action movie weapons: The Handgun of Infinite Ammo. = -3pts. 
• Putting an ancient holy relic in the water tank of the hospital and setting off the sprinkler system is a fairly ingenious, and effective, Holy Water delivery system. This was Chas’ idea. We warned you about him. = +12pts. 
• …although, the water tank has the “Flammable” symbol on it. Seriously, what kind of hospital is this? = -7pts. 
• Introducing Constantine’s arsenal of weapons:
  
  Meet The Brass Knuckles of Jesus...
  
  
  The Shotgun of Holy Fuck You...
  
  
  And the Tattoos of Divine Kickass!
  
  
• We finally meet Mammon who is so ugly, we can only assume that Lucifer has a thing for Uruk-Hai. = -4pts. 
• Constantine’s plea to God for assistance in saving mankind from total annihilation at the hands of Mammon goes unanswered. That’s such a God move. = -14pts. 
• Looks like a double-cross deal with The Devil himself is what it’s going to take to win the day. All-in-all, it’s hard to complain when you get to flip off Satan. = +17pts.

Total Score = +107pts.
Available on: DVD, Blu-ray and in the new series Fridays this Fall on NBC!

As supernatural anti-heroes go, Constantine is actually a fairly relatable character, which is probably why he has been so popular for so long. He’s a guy who feels he is trapped in between forces he can’t control and is beholden to a set of rules that only he is following. This movie does a fairly good job at telling us who Constantine is and how he manages to persevere even when the deck is stacked against him. With a two hour running time, this movie gets a little theologically thick at times, but at least it tries to do a little more than the typical action movie. Now, we’ll just have to see if Constantine will do as well when he makes his TV debut next month.

Score Technician: Stacey Hanlon

Point Break

If there were a museum of '90s pop culture, Point Break would most assuredly deserve a prominent place in it. The film takes Patrick Swayze at the tail-end of his glory days, Keanu Reeves at the peak of his stardom, and pre-Oscar-makeover Kathryn Bigelow and tumbles them all together with enough extreme sporting activities to send a tween boy into a Mountain Dew-induced sugar coma. Somehow all of this comes together to make a film so simultaneously awesome and ridiculous that decades after the fact, it’s still a go-to reference for cop movies.

Never one to shy away from the difficult questions, the nanobots and this technician will seek to end once and for all the eternal debate: Is Point Break an awesome action film relegated to camp status by Keanu Reeves' wooden acting, or is it a mediocre action film elevated to camp brilliance by Keanu Reeves' wooden acting?

• If there's a more all-American name in the world than Johnny Utah, we defy you to produce it. = +28pts 
• Key to passing your FBI firearm exam: Shoot only the ethnic-looking targets. = -6pts 
• Keanu's peckerwood boss played by one of the Bobs from Office Space. = +8pts 
• Keanu Reeves' partner played by Gary Busey, who even at the height of his career looks like he perpetually spent the last night under a bridge. = +30pts 
• We can think of worse gimmicks for a gang of bank robbers than "The Ex-Presidents." = +7pts (In fact, we did. So far The Future Ombudsmen are still missing a wheelman and someone to work crowd control). 
• Keanu attempts to shake Gary Busey from his defeatist acceptance of the Ex-Presidents' elusiveness by acting at him AS. HARD. AS. HE. CAN. = -11pts 
• Also worth noting: how none of the cops in the background of the scene seem to notice that two of their colleagues are screaming in each other's faces just a few feet away. = -8pts 
• After dragging the theory that The Ex-Presidents are surfers out of Gary Busey through psychological trickery and verbal abuse, Keanu proceeds to shit all over it. = +2pts 
• Keanu Reeves saved from drowning by Lori Petty. If only he had returned the favor by saving her from Tank Girl. = +5pts
• '90s tech alert: The IBMs with green monochrome monitors the FBI analysts use to look up Lori Petty's criminal record are likely still in use within the Department of Veterans' Affairs. = -17pts (Because that's some shameful shit.) 
• The affectless manner in which Keanu relates his intention to exploit Lori Petty's childhood trauma suggests that maybe he's not a bad actor at all; it's just that Johnny Utah is supposed to be a sociopath. = +14pts 
• Keanu's fabricated backstory about trying to live his own life in the wake of his parents' death is less than convincing. Forget mimicking human emotion...what about just human speech patterns? = -21pts 
• If that learning-to-surf montage song were any more on the nose, it would literally be describing the images unfolding on the screen as we were watching them. = -9pts 
• Lori Petty on Patrick Swayze: "We know each other." The word she left out: "Biblically." = +7pts 
• Keanu wins the trust of Patrick Swayze's gang by being a famous college football player. Good thing this movie takes place before the internet was that much of a thing. A glance at his LinkedIn profile would have kind of ruined his cover. = +11pts 
• Swayze goes Roadhouse on a bunch of surf Nazis trying to beat up Keanu. = +15pts 
• Swayze welcoming Keanu to his party: "Welcome to my home. What's mine is yours." That's an invitation to a threesome with the girl he was dancing with, right? = +5pts 
• Did they just get done shooting a music video in Swayze's room? = -9pts

• After a particularly exhilarating late-night surf, Keanu confides in Lori Petty, "I can't describe what I'm feeling." Rest assured, he also can't convey it through his acting. = -6pts 
• '90s fashion alert: Even thongs were high-waisted. = +2pts 
• The plan to bust Warchild's gang gets bloody. Keanu ends up getting his ass kicked by a nude woman. = +15pts 
• The lawnmower scene is still really intense. = +18pts 
• Gary Busey assures Keanu that shooting people is no different than shooting paper targets, "just a little more to clean up." Maaaaybe the secret to understanding this movie is coming to terms with the fact that everyone in it is a sociopath? = -12pts 
• Keanu, on discovering that his bust interrupted an undercover DEA operation, and that Warchild's gang has an alibi for the latest robbery: "Ah, shit." = -20pts 
• But, hey, Tom Sizemore! = +5pts 
• Keanu gets a new break in his case, thanks to his character's photographic memory for asses. = +13pts 
• FBI SOP Handbook, Section 31.d: Stakeouts - After sending your partner out to get you lunch (at 10:30 in the morning), make sure to spend the entire time he's gone completely distracted by the funnies. = -8pts 
• FBI SOP Handbook, Section 19.f: Firearms - Discharging your firearm at a car-full of fleeing suspects in the middle of a busy street is a-okay. = -12pts 
• Bank robbers SOP Handbook, Section 28 b: Disposing of evidence - an improvised flamethrower is just a gasoline pump and a cigarette lighter away. = +14pts 
• That foot-chase. = +25pts 
• FBI SOP Handbook, Section 47 k: Losing your suspect. If the suspect you've been chasing on-foot for 10 blocks gets away because you can't bring yourself to shoot him on account of your budding bromance, make sure to completely unload your weapon by firing it straight up in the air while screaming. = +35pts 
• Lori Petty to Keanu: "You've got that look again." That's because he only has one expression. = -17pts 
• Maybe it’s just this technician’s inner 12-year-old boy talking right now, but there is something genuinely moving about the skydiving scene. = +23pts 
• Swayze frames his master plan—in which he has kidnapped Lori Petty and handed her off to his psychopathic button-man, Rosy, in order to coerce Keanu into robbing a bank with him—as being for Keanu’s “growth.” Is this like when our parents told us our punishments were going to hurt them more than us as we were growing up? = -4pts 
• It’s a testament to Patrick Swayze’s abilities as an actor just how convincing Bohdi’s conflicting mish-mash of vaguely hippie-ish bullshit sounds in his mouth. = +18pts 
• Leaving aside the fact that he shot an undercover cop, then got himself and a bank security guard killed, the off-duty cop who interrupted the robbery was actually a bigger bad-ass than any of the main characters. = +7pts 
• Gary Busey gets kind of a raw deal in this movie. = -6pts 
• It would be another decade and change before Keanu would play a doctor in Something’s Gotta Give, but I think he’s already got his bedside manner down: “You’re cold because all the blood is running out of your body, Roach. You’ll be dead soon.” = +10pts 
• Swayze could use a little help in crafting similes, though: “I know you want me so bad, it’s like acid in your mouth.” = -10pts 
• The scene where Keanu dives out of that plane after Swayze with no parachute is still one of the most badass sequences ever put to film. = +100pts 
• Pretty chill of the FBI to not only forgo charging Keanu for armed robbery and several counts of murder, but also to reinstate him as an agent after the colossal, blood-soaked cock-up that his entire investigation turned out to be. = +9pts 
• Keanu doesn’t drop “Vaya Con Dios” nearly as smooth as Monsignor Martinez. = -4pts 
• If this movie had been made in 2014, the fact that they don’t recover Swayze’s body at the end of it would have insured at least two more sequels, plus an origin prequel for the douchey captain played by one of the Bobs. = -20pts

Total Score = +200pts
Available on: DVD, YouTube (for a limited time only, we’re sure)

Well, there you have it, folks. The nanobots can’t lie. Point Break is a good movie. Despite having a fairly limp script and what we will generously describe as a “performance” by Reeves, PB still succeeds thanks to the insane charisma that Patrick Swayze imbues Bohdi with and Katheryn Bigelow’s masterful direction and pacing. Among other actors considered for the role of Johnny Utah were Johnny Depp and Charlie Sheen—you know, people who (at the time, at least) could actually act. One wonders how different the movie would have been with one of them in the lead role. It’s possible that Point Break would be granted Die Hard levels of reverence. Or maybe not. There is something strangely hypnotic in Reeves’ blankness that couldn’t be achieved with another (professional) actor. His vacant, reading-off-a-cue-card delivery is so iconic in its own way that it inspired a guerilla stage production.

Score Technician: Joe Hemmerling

River's Edge

In a way, Neal Jimenez' debut screenplay was a kind of anti-teen movie. A brilliant and deftly wrought explication of the kind of amorality and listlessness that movies like Reality Bites only hinted at, River’s Edge stands out as a weirdly timeless movie about the loss of innocence and the total lack of fucks given by those losing it. HOWEVER! It’s still rife with some exquisitely dated material, totally gonzo performances by both Dennis Hopper AND Crispin Glover, and some really choice cuts from the finest radio metal 1984 had to offer. How are you supposed to parse the social significance of this movie in the midst of all this culture dross? That’s what the Scorecard’s for, dummy. Seriously, is this your first time here??

• Choosing to open your film with a shot of Keanu's Reeves' punk prepubescent little brother throwing his even younger sister's baby doll into a flooded river. = +30pts for giving a big middle-finger to society's firmly entrenched gender roles. -20pts for glorifying a dick who’s destroying a small child's most prized possession. (= +10pts all day.)
• Oh, and also casting the dude who would go on to be the wisecracking, William S. Borroughs-T-shirt-wearing cranky vampire from Kathryn Bigelow’s sublime After Dark to play said little brother. = +13pts
• A grey, completely washed-out scene of John (real name Samson, but his friends call him John because his last name is Tollet… You know, Tollet, toilet, John??) rocking back and forth on the bank of the river next to the body of his dead girlfriend who's totes naked. = -15pts (Since you could’ve blurred that shit out if you wanted to)
• Obviously this underaged homeboy with the dead gf is going to get hassled at the convenience store while trying to buy a single can of Budweiser, we get that. When he points at the clerk and shouts, "I don't give a fuck about you, and I don't give a fuck about your laws"?  Well, we were blown away. For showing a troubled youth from a broken home fighting the power the only way he knows how. = +7pts
• Little dude (his name’s Tim, by the way) who hates his sister's doll snatching 2 tall-boys of terrible beer and greeting John with a query as to whether he's got any weed. Kids say the darndest things. = -20pts
• Setting the mood with a choice cut from Hallows Eve's seminal album Death & Insanity ("Lethal Tendencies," if you were wondering). = +8pts
• There is nothing quite like seeing Crispin Glover roll up in a ridiculously modified VW Beetle shouting "HURRY YOUR ASS!" at a be-jean-jacketed Keanu Reeves. Singular filmmaking right here, folks = +30pts
• Rolling up on Dennis Hopper's house and he's barely playing a saxophone, sitting right next to a consummately creepy blow-up doll that he refers to as his "friend." = -3pts
• Casting Dennis Hopper as a gonzo drug dealer who—for whatever reason—doesn't charge for the drugs he provides to area teens. Man, the ‘80s were a wild time, are we right?! = -5pts
• Uh oh… Crispin Glover is going out with Ione Skye, and that over-sized cable-knit sweater is doing her all sorts of favors in this high school courtyard… If we were Keanu Reeves right now (and we can't stress enough how thankful we are that we aren't) we'd probably want to put the moves on her, as well. = -4pts
• Aggro murder-bro shows up to school, promptly announces he's murdered his girlfriend, and everyone makes like they don't give a fuck. Man, these high school kids are some pretty cool customers. = +7pts
• A totally impotent high school teacher telling all his students about how "fundamental changes" were accomplished by the hippie generation. "We stopped a war, man!" And all the kids are about ready to give him a wedgie. = +500pts
• The teacher's reminiscences about Vietnam War protests and cracking police officers' skulls provides the impetus for a rousing classroom debate. "But don't you think violence is wrong?" "Oh, fuck off, Kevin. Wasting pigs is radical." = +200pts
• The teen girls in this group of wasteoids reacting with a lot my sympathy upon seeing their dead friend by the River's Edge. Nice way to reassert a "nurturing" trait in women, shitlords. = -800pts
• Crispin Glover trying to rally this raggle-taggle band of miscreants like he knows what he's talking about. = +3pts
• Keanu's little bro and his dirtbag friend shooting crayfish in a bucket with pellet rifles. Not mellow. = -45pts
• Keanu's response: "Why are you two such delinquents?" = +4pts
• Little Bro's rejoinder? "Because of our fucked-up childhoods." Game set and match. = +30pts
• Crispin Glover's expected compensation for burying someone's dead girlfriend is totally a sixer. "You think I'd at least rate a Michelob." = -20pts (Michelob has never been good. Crispin Glover obviously has terrible taste in beer/friends).
• We're getting the distinct impression that Crispin Glover is the only one who cares about what's going on around him, and the only reason he does is because he's otherwise bored. These kids are terminally chill. We love it. = +25pts
• This cop leaning on Keanu Reeves is getting super judgey. Wouldn't hurt if he toned down the rhetoric a little bit. Consider this buzz irrevocably harshed. = -60pts
• If we were trying to hide our completely apathetic murderous buddy, we couldn't think of a better place to do so than Dennis Hopper's grody ranch house, either. Strong work, Crispin Glover! = +20pts
• Keanu Reeves, mustering the fullness of his vocabulary of insults to hit up his exemplary lame stepdad with, "Motherfucker! Food eater!" = +3pts
• The narrative is further complicated by the fact that Keanu Reeves' 12-year-old brother now considers him a traitor for talking to the cops about the murder, and is almost definitely trying to kill him now. "Go get your nunchucks and your dad's car. I know where we can get a gun." = +40pts
• Ione Skye's headboard incorporates an over-sized, vaguely traditional Japanese hand fan. CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. = -350pts
• Little brother's reaction to riding around in a stolen car is about as perfect as possible: "Bitchin'!" = +70pts
• On recounting his days as a biker, Dennis Hopper remarks that he "ate so much pussy in those days" that his "beard looked like a glazed donut. = +60pts for m-to-f oral sex advocacy. -30pts for an analogy that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. +30pts all day.
• Aggro dude sums up the philosophy of the movie thus: "You do shit, and then it's done, and then you die..." = -3pts (Heavy)
• When Ione Skye starts doubting whether or not she should keep her friend's death a secret, Crispin Glover quickly explains to her how little he needs her and then kicks her out of his car in the middle of town. Firing on all cylinders. = +7pts
• When little brother and his lackey break into Dennis Hopper's house things get just about as weird as we'd expected them to. Yep. Time for some black garbage bags filled with the fakest looking weed ever committed to film. = -9pts
• Those dulcet synth lines do an incredible job setting the tone for Ione and Keanu's romantic sleeping bag meanderings in the middle of some weird field. The ‘80s were pretty desolate, we guess. = +4pts
• Keanu's trying to come off as serious as he can about the death of their mutual friend, but his face looks about as dumb as you're imagining it does right now. = +11pts
• When John and Feck make their way to the river it's all fun and humping real-dolls until someone starts shouting at them from across the river and shots are fired. = +2pts
• "I wasn't even mad, really… She didn't look too surprised… I had total control over her…" of course this is juxtaposed with a super awkward sex scene between Keanu and Ione. "She was dead there right in front of me, and I felt. SO. FUCKING. ALIVE!" -1pt
• Those fuckin' kids! They just took Feck out with their nunchucks, showing absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Part of us wants to get behind that kind of radical freedom, but another, much larger part of us just wants to call them out on being little shitheels. = -40pts.
• Reeves' bedroom is everything we hoped it would be. An unpainted wall, a respectable smattering of heavy metal posters, a sign reading "safety glasses required beyond this point" leading to the hallway. We really, really wish more of the movie could've been shot in here. = +2pts
• When your mom's in the middle of a nervous breakdown, it's imperative to explain to her that the joint you're about to leave the house with is from your stash, and not hers. Little things, really. = +20pts.
• This squirrely fading hippie teacher is giving his class all sorts of hell about how they aren't authentic or whatever because they aren't outraged over their friend's death. Can this guy just move to Vermont already, make some ice cream and call it day? Ugh. Ground Control to Major Downer. = -30pts
• Crispin Glover's fantastic riverside meltdown upon finding John's dead body is about as Crispin Glover as it gets. Whereas (FUN FACT!) Keanu Reeves trying to calm him down is the inspiration for the classic Buzzfeed listicle “17 Keanu Reeveses Who Forgot How To Human.” = +23pts
• Crispin Glover inadvertently inventing planking, like, 15 years before its time. = +60pts

Total Score = -276pts

Available on: DVD, Karagarga if your rad cousin can hook you up with a login

River’s Edge caused a bit of commotion (critically, if not commercially) when it came out, mainly because it laid bare the alternating pattern of apathy and outrage that lies at the core of any group behavior. Oddly enough this doesn’t play well to most major market audiences. We’ve got a young Keanu Reeves playing a role almost perfectly suited to him, since, after all, “affectless, barely lifeless” fits his M.O. to a tee. Dennis Hopper seems thrown in almost as a nod to the revolutionary films he helped create that obviously shaped Jimenez’s writing and Tim Hunter’s direction. The real standout of the film is Crispin Glover, whose insane portrayal of Layne is one of the most singular ever filmed. What does it all mean? We guess that’s a trick question, since the whole movie is kind of about a lack of meaning. However, with this scorecard, you’ll definitely have a better time watching the decline of Western Civilization as people in Reagan’s 1st term know it.

Score Technician: Paul Bower

Keanu week is coming!

Join The Progressive Cinema Scorecard as we say farewell to summer with a week's worth of Scorecards celebrating the cinematic achievements of Keanu Reeves.

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

This is our third scorecard involving a film featuring the character Pinhead. What can we say, we like order.

• Hellraiser
• Hellbound: Hellraiser II

So arrives the third film featuring the Cenobites, an unearthly coven of former mortals who, in their quest to experience sensations at the outer limits of experience, were transported to a hellish netherworld by a magical puzzle-box. There, they live forever in a strange Nirvana, a tranquility brought through centuries of endless, unimaginable suffering.

The Cenobites remain eager to adopt other mortals into their order—they have such sights to show us—but they do not inflict their tortures on hapless victims surprised in the dark. They come only when called; it is desire, and nothing else, that brings them.

At least, that was until Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. It is at this point in the series that Hollywood seizes the original story’s fascinating mythology, pierces it with iron hooks and pulls it apart in a paroxysm of bloody goo.

Join us now, as we subject Hellraiser III to the pitiless probing of the nanobots. Let us hope it gets what it deserves.

• Clive Barker presents … a movie he didn’t write. Which will only become more obvious as HR III wears on. = -5pts 
• Wealthy, entitled young nightclub owner J.P. Monroe visits an empty art gallery in the middle of the night. Because that’s a thing that people do. = -2pts 
• Monroe’s car and fashion-sense are totally cool and awesome—provided that you are 10 years old and are Kid Rock. = -1pt 
• The art gallery is run by what appears to be Kris Kristofferson. I guess being Blade’s sidekick doesn’t pay the bills. = +1pt 
• J.P. Monroe buys this fucking thing to decorate his home, thus clearly establishing himself as NOT ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS. = +5pts (For clarity.)

• Introducing Joey Summerskill, feisty television journalist, staking out her city’s crappiest subway station. = +/- 0pts. 
• Oh, wait. That’s a hospital. = -4pts 
•  Joey’s cameraman, Doc, is so kindly and avuncular that we immediately start the countdown to his grisly demise. = +3pts 
• Hey, some action! A bleeding assault victim is brought in, trailing hooks and chains. You just know that the doctor on call can’t wait to see what large, inconveniently shaped thing this guy has lodged in his butt. = +9pts 
• The ER casualty’s companion gibbers something about “the boiler room,” which Joey repeats a couple of times so we remember it. = +1pt (For being helpful.) 
• Thanks for zooming in on the heart-monitor flatline, movie. We almost missed that important implication of the man’s head exploding. = -7pts 
• J.P. Monroe, as it turns out, runs the nightclub called “The Boiler Room”--and … this … club … is … METAL. Like, all-of-Motley-Crue-simultaneously- getting-blowjobs-while-motorcycling-down-a-studded-leather-waterslide-full-of-vodka-that’s-built-into-a-mountain-of-cocaine, metal. = +9pts 
• Joey spends two minutes describing to the club DJ the girl who brought the victim to the hospital before adding “… and she might be the club owner’s girlfriend.” Way to bury the lede .= -8pts 
• This supermetal nightclub is physically attached to a posh restaurant so snooty that one wonders why they condescend to play Vivaldi. = -25pts
• Joey Summerskill has a dream in which she watches her father die in Vietnam. Which looks surprisingly like Vermont in autumn. = -6pts 
• We finally meet Twitchy Terri, the elusive witness from the hospital scene. Terri is homeless, friendless, and poor, drifting from one boyfriend to the next and stealing to get by, with nothing but a bag of short skirts and heels to her name. She’s the type of character that Dickens would have created if he wrote porn. = -2pts 
• Back at the Boiler Room, J.P. Monroe surveys his douchebag domain in much the same way that we imagine George W. Bush did: while wearing a bathrobe and cowboy boots. = +4pts 
• Via an unlikely turn of events involving a rat, The Pillar of Yuck gets blood on it, which disappears into the mouth of Pinhead sculpted into its surface. = +15pts 
• J.P. Monroe, Keanu-like, grins and says “Whoa!” Instead of wetting ‘em and having a myocardial infarction, like a human being would. = -11pts 
• We return to Joey and Twitchy Terri’s “Tell-Don’t-Show” festival, where TT reveals that it was she who discovered the Pillar of Yuck in the art gallery and sent J.P. there. This is starting to sound a bit like Cenobite entrapment. = -9pts 
• On to the art gallery, where TT and Joey encounter a minor god of exposition: “ATTEND YE, MORTALS; I AM HE-WHO-WALKS-HIS-TINY-DOG-ABOUT-THE-NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I SEETH ALL. YON ART GALLERY SHALT BE CLOSED NIGH UNTO THE END OF THE MONTH, FOR THE OWNER HATH GONE TO HAWAII. ” = +4pts 
• “These places are always all show.” Well, it’s an art gallery, Terri. They show things here. = -2pts 
• TT stumbles across extensive videotaped testimony from Kirsty Cotton (Ashley Lawrence!), a character from a much better movie. Kirsty spills a metric buttload of information about the Cenobites and their puzzle-box. = +29pts (For reminding us of Hellraiser.) 
• Back at the Boiler Room, J.P. Monroe likes seducing women with an offer of a single rose out of the beer-cooler. Good luck with that, Mystery. = -11pts 
• What? That worked? J.P.’s lucky that the screenwriter understands women exactly as well as he does. = 30pts 
• After the boning, J.P.’s single-serving ladyfriend wakes up and realizes that he’s a tool. And just as she’s starting to light him up for being deceptive, cruel, and unfeeling, the Pillar of Yuck shoots out its hook-chains and peels her like a banana. So the moral of that story is … not entirely clear. = 15pts

• Pinhead opines: “There is no good; there is no evil. Only flesh, and the patterns to which we submit it.” Which we think was Johnnie Cochrane’s closing argument at the O.J. trial. = +12 pts
• J.P. agrees to feed more victims to Pinhead, freeing him from the Pillar, in exchange for being granted spiky-leather sex-magic powers. = +8pts (for being comprehensible) 
• Twitchy Terri is back at Joey’s condo, reading and occasionally glancing curiously at the puzzle-box which FOR FUCK’S SAKE SHE’S GOT THE DOORWAY TO HELL JUST SITTING ON THE TV. = -66pts 
• TT gets a booty call from J.P. She resists his charms … barely. = +15pts 
• The answering machine takes another call. A fake message fools Terri into believing that Joey has betrayed her and is fixin’ to throw her back out onto the street. Because Terri is a rich chocolate center of emotional dysfunction surrounded by a thin candy shell of stupid. = 10pts. 
• … and off goes Terri to make the next in a lifelong series of degrading mistakes. His name is J.P. Monroe. = -11pts 
• J.P. makes an incredibly clumsy attempt to sacrifice Terri to the Pillar of Yuck, and ends up getting himself knocked out. = +25pts 
• Rule #1: When a hellishly grotesque carving of dubious origin grows a face and starts offering you “black miracles” and “unknown pleasures,” you get right the fuck out of there. = -5pts 
• Long story short, Terri sacrifices J.P. to the pillar, and Pinhead is released. Now maybe the movie can start. = +13pts 
• Joey wakes up to a WWI-era radio playing in her closet. She tries to tune in some “lite rock,” but gets the “interdimensional travel” station instead. = +11pts 
• We learn that, at the end of a much better movie, Kirsty Cotton only released the “good half” of Elliot Spencer-Pinhead’s soul. The “bad half” went to live in the Pillar of Yuck, along with the puzzle-box—and bided its time until it found a patsy to set it free. = -14pts (For theological incoherence.) 
• Now “evil half-Spencer,” in the form of Pinhead, is “unbound … unstoppable.” = +5pts 
• Well, maybe “pretty much unstoppable, mostly” would be more accurate, since they’re already planning to stop him. = -5pts 
• Back on earth, Pinhead turns all the decorative accoutrements of the Boiler Room into machines of butchery. It takes everybody a couple of minutes to notice. That’s just how metal this place is. = +4pts 
• Joey sees the massacre on the TV news and races downtown, where she contaminates an active crime scene. Oh … and also confronts Pinhead in a church he has constructed for himself, for some reason. Things go badly. = +3pts 
• Joey is pursued down the street by sentient power lines and Cenobite hook chains that can now come out of the sewer for some reason. = -14pts
• Behold the worst atrocity this film has to show us: the new Cenobites. Apparently, Pinhead can just create them instantly now, using nothing but murder-victims and irony. Each of them has eeeeevil supermurderpowers that are thematically linked to what they did in life. Cenobite Twitchy Terri, for example, kills her victims by making poor sexual choices and not being very bright. = -33pts 
• Joey flees into a real church … and Pinhead’s there. Because of course he is. = -19pts 
• Holy shit, can Pinhead lay down some blasphemy. = +25pts

• J.P. and Terri get to show off their “Pistonhead” and “Smoking Female” Cenobite costumes for about 10 seconds before Joey captures them in the puzzle-box, along with the other bargain-basement Cenobitches. = +10pts 
• Back in the dreamscape Viet Nermont, Pinhead masquerades as Joey’s dead dad to trick her into giving him the puzzle-box. Well played, Mr. Head. = +9pts 
• Elliot merges himself back into Pinhead, and it’s exactly as sexy as it sounds. Joey then sends him/them back to hell. = +7pts

• Joey sinks the puzzle-box into a block of wet cement in the smartest move she’s made this half of the movie. = +12pts 
• EPILOGUE: The construction site where the puzzle-box was buried has become an office building, with the interior design all done in images of the box. Presumably this is the new headquarters of Goldman-Sachs. = +8pts

Final Score = -68pts
Available from: Netflix, in the “Because you watched Troll 2 and enjoyed it un-ironically” category.

Well, there you have it. Pinhead, one of the most complex and original horror-movie villains the genre has ever given us, is reduced to just another leather-clad psychopath who enjoys torture and mass murder.

Except for the fact that he can only be defeated by … being raped. By himself. So there’s that.

On the up side, the Motorhead song over the closing credits is far, far better than this movie deserves. Lemmy, make the hurting stop.

Score Technician: John Ormond