Tuesday, September 2, 2014

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story

When you have a Saved by the Bell movie that’s executive produced by Dustin Diamond, the result is more The Passion of Dustin Diamond than a factual behind-the-scenes look at the series. Add in the fact that it’s a Lifetime movie, and the nanobots may just explode on this one.
  • Somehow the actors in the Lifetime movie look even more precocious than the actual SBTB actors. = +4pts 
  • For some reason, we have to hear all about Screech’s unsupportive dad. We’re guessing Screech lamenting his monster dong is coming up soon. = -7pts 
  • Screech takes over the “Time Out” move from Zach. But you haven’t earned what Zach Morris has earned! =-5pts 
  • “I really want people to see me as an actress.” – something people who are terrible at acting say. = -2pts 
  • Making a Latino guy pretend to be Italian: +5pts (in 1989) – 15pts (in 2014) 
  • Strangely, the casting agents are all played by young hot women, which means the actual casting agents for the movie were old ugly men. = -6pts 
  • Poor Screech alert: no one cares that he’s taking karate lessons. = -4pts 
  • Sweet ‘80s soundtrack may be this film’s only saving grace. Now, close your eyes and envision watching any number of other films that featured these songs. = +12pts 
  • AC Slater randomly doing push ups in the middle of a photoshoot seems like the only thing in this movie that happened in real life. = +10pts 
  • Where’s Mr. Belding? = -8pts 
  • And we finally get to the “I’m So Excited!” recreation. This movie just became worth it. = +16pts 
  • Poor Screech alert: The costume designer did not find it hilarious that he put a fake spider in her office. But who doesn’t love a practical joke done by a spoiled, rich teenage actor? = -7pts 
  • Screech tries to get his own “I’m So Excited!” episode by depicting his descent into alcoholism. If only someone had appreciated his sweet karate moves! = +9pts 
  • Lisa and Zach break up: “Then I guess we’re just as fake as Zach and Kelly!” = +5pts 
  • Screech confronts a bully, saves kitten from a burning house, helps elderly lady cross street, totally willing to give you a massage if you want one. = +11pts 
  • We imagine Screech pitching this movie went a lot like Mac from Always Sunny talking about his sweet roundhouse kicks. “And I get super awesome at karate and I get laid a whole bunch!!!” = +13pts 
  • Lisa and Jessie decide to leave the show. This worked out well for them. = -4pts 
  • Although the writing and acting is appropriately awful for a Lifetime movie, no one’s husband is murdered nor has an aging starlet appeared. You’re losing your touch, Lifetime. = -10pts 
  • Five second appearance of Mr. Belding turns out to be highlight of the film. = +20pts 
  • Sadly, movie ends before recapping Save By the Bell: The College Years or Saved by the Bell: The New Class. = -9pts 
  • Screech tells us what everyone did post-SBTB. Curiously, Screech doesn’t recap his own experiences post-SBTB, because you know, porn. = -17pts 
  • Movie ends with montage of clips from the movie, yes the very movie you just watched, as if you’re lucky enough to forget the past two hours of your life. = -20pts
Total Score = -9pts
Available On: Lifetime, Dustin Diamond’s Tinder Profile

Instead of watching this movie, try watching that SNL skit where Tobey Maguire pretended to be Screech. You’ll get a more accurate depiction of Dustin Diamond in just a fraction of the time.

Score Technician: Amanda Hemmerling

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