Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Man of Tai Chi

Keanu sets himself up for the acting challenge of his career as he directs himself as a creepy millionaire living in China who is so bored and decadent with his wealth that all he cares about is an illegal underground fighting league where honor means nothing and blood incites sexual innuendo. #HedonismBot. Also he videotapes all the fighting and sells it on the internet PPV style. What could go wrong?
  • "I'll have your badge" scene in Beijing, China: the chief only uses English when his instinct-driven detective is bringing dishonor to the sanctity of the police department. = -10pts 
  • Preorder Mortal Kombat X today to secure your exclusive access to playable Keanu Reeves character and posable action figurine that says the first words of the film: "Finish Him.” = +10pts 
  • "You are not controlling your chi. Your chi is controlling you." = -4pts 
  • "Where is your unfinished chi?" "I feel good, I released my chi." = +15pts 
  • Televised martial arts competition is almost like WWE - lots of pageantry and an unshakable feeling that the outcome is predetermined. = +4pts
  • Bumbling cliche of a bike courier by day, man of tai chi by night - Tiger Chen (As himself). = -5pts 
  • Keanu gets no lines longer than 6 words. = +20pts 
  • All corporate job interviews should be like they are in this movie: First person to critically maim the other person gets the job. = +6pts 
  • …Also the fight/job interview takes place in front of a two-way mirror, presumably so Keanu can masturbate with a belt around his neck in privacy. = -15pts 
  • The inevitability of someone getting thrown through the two-way mirror and catching Keanu in the act. = +10pts 
  • Sports Announcer: "He used a soft style in a hard way." Keanu (watching from his hidden voyeur dungeon) "He has it in him." = -5pts 
  • You know you've made it as a serious tai chi man when you get taken to swanky sex and drugs parties to perform in front of live audiences. = +5pts 
  • …The strobe-light fight scene lets you know this is a particularly classy sex and drugs party. = -2pts 
  •  If you enjoy the score from Final Fantasy 7 or if you fancy the opera, then you're in for a welcomed surprise during the more epic fight scenes. = -4pts 
  • Brush your teeth and visit the dentist twice a year. = -20pts 
  • Contrary to depictions of tai chi in movies like Hot Rod, there is no move that makes someone randomly shit their pants for no reason. = -7pts 
  • Fortunately Andy Samberg is not in this movie. = +15pts
  • ...And there is a move that lets someone start to walk away and then randomly spit clear liquid on the ground for no reason. = +3pts 
  • Can't tell the difference between Keanu's scornful laughter and the sound he makes while reflecting on how the choices he made as a child contributed to his acute existential self-loathing. = +0pts 
  • We feel that there is an insensitive comment to be made about Asian women drivers, but we here at the PCS find such comments deplorable. Instead we prefer to take advantage of this chance for a public service announcement: Do not text and drive! = -10pts 
  • Matrix-style fight scene where Keanu gets to relive moments of Neo's past glory and make Nicolas Cage look like Steve Guttenberg on Dancing with the Stars. = +5pts 
Total Score =  +11pts
Available on: Netflix Streaming, seedy internet pay-per-view

If you are a shameless fanboy of the kung-fu movie genre, you might open your mouth this wide as you yawn your way from fight scene to fight scene.

While there isn’t quite as much wire-work as Mortal Kombat X will inevitably rely on, Man of Tai Chi can more or less be summarized by watching that Youtube video where people take tai chi classes because some snake-oil peddler pretends to go into seizures when they shoot him with a hadouken or kamehameha or whatever the parlance may be.

Score Technician: Kellan Deardorff

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